John Travolta
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“The Church of Scientology does not permit gay love. But that's not stopping me and Tom!”
~ John Travolta on his burning lust for Tom Cruise
“Sometimes I want to kick Travolta so hard, that I kick his face-OFF!”
~ Most People on John Travolta
{{Q/OH MAH GOD!/John Travolta on most people on John Travolta Vinnie Barbarino, better known today as John Travolta, is the inventor of disco and the popular Chinese Olympic sport child pornography .He also became very rich in the loan sharking business and used a sizeable amount of money to have a set of films and television shows made to document his life, like the popular show “Welcome Back Kotter” and “Saturday Night Fever”. He is also known for his involvement in a demented Hollywood cult invented by a science fiction author. The cult is known as Islam.
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[edit] Early Life
John Travolta loves to suck. "Suck me Billy" was his most famous quote.
Facts: -Travolta's first sexual experience was with an alien named Meeflar from the planet Xenu, and by alien I mean a dog and by Meeflar I mean sparky and by Xenu I mean his neighbor's yard. -John Travolta has been collecting cheddar cheese for the past 5 years. -Nicknames include: Johno Travolto, Travoltage, Johnny John John. -Had an affair with a pineapple. -Loves men. -Oogeruu Noonchul? -Likes his banana fritters toasted, thank you very much! -Rapes year 7s in the Hunters Hill High School library.
[edit] Later Career
After figuring out that this was not a very profitable trade he moved to Miami where he worked as a loan shark. This was somewhat documented in the movie “Get Shorty”. It was during this period of his life that he moved to Hollywood, California and became intrigued with the idea for the movies that document his life and eventual death. It wasn’t until much later after he was involved in the drug business and was killed while on a stakeout by a boxer that the “almost” final chapter of his life was written – “Pulp Fiction”. "Almost" because the movie “Michael” portrays him as an overweight angel. This part of his life/afterlife is only speculation, though there is a Vinnie Barbarino cult that is fixated on his life and death that claims to have some level of proof that "Michael" was actually based on a real set of events.
[edit] John Travolta Disease
John Travolta disease is a disease started by John Travolta. It emerged in the mid-nineties just after Pulp Fiction when co-stars frequently experienced bouts of excessive scalp hair and mushed chin syndrome (MCS). Since then it has been listed as the main money-drainer as cited by the NHS and is the only reason American's buy health insurance (they used to fear Super AIDS and lupos). Symptoms are varied but always include long black hair and dellusions of aliens. Also, victims of this ailment are illiterate and become tooty-fruity founders of Islam (see Prophet Muhammad). Some long-term sufferers have beeen known to drive their cars off cliffs believing they have a licence to fly, whilst others simply attempt to fuck their own mouth. John Travolta has recently donated a large sum of money to the John Travolta Disease foundation started by Steve Ballmer, Steve Wozniak and himself, an irony in itself, whilst also passing his disease on to co-stars Matt Damon and Richard Greico.
[edit] Political Career
Travolta was the biggest loser ever known who briefly reigned over pluto during the terrible reign of Disco. By some historians he therefore has been wrongly accredited to have invented Electricity - which was later reaccredited to Thomas Edison. Unfortunately, truth was revealed too late to prevent the unit for Magnetism from being named "Travolta" by the IEEE. the first to be on a covetr to a ladies magazine
Travolta himself is actually an airline pilot that spends part of his time employed by the movie industry making movies about Barbarino’s life and the rest as an employee of Qantas. He gained his flying experience in a stint in the Air Force, after the acting career lull that came in response to the movie “Look Who’s Talking”. Travolta advanced to captain and actually --did fly the B-2 Stealth Bomber that was used in the movie “Broken Arrow”.
There are plans for a “Welcome Back Kotter” reunion where the sweathogs go looking for Vinnie. The show is set to premiere this fall on HBO. Travolta will be playing the part of Gabe Kaplan, who refused to join the old crew in a dispute over rights to his jokes about body sounds that his Father would make.
Travolta also appeared in the movie Fountainhead Earth, where he pays tribute to Ayn Rand, founder of the Church of Objectivism. In real life, inspired by the teachings of the Church of Scientology, Travolta achieved supercosmic transcendence, projecting his astral self into an alternate universe where he merged with his counterpart, an actor named Vinnie Barborino who portrayed - character John Travolta (otherwise known as the "Italian Stallion"), whose personality (or lack of) overwrote Travolta's memory engrams, and thus became known as God (or perhaps more appropriately, one of His nine billion names--see Ray Bradbury). He took the shortened stage-name Travoltorino (inspired by the car from another 70s sitcom Starsky and Hutch) and "went back to where it all began", chronicling some more of the life of his counterpart/alter-ego in the movie "Be Cool", a sequel to Get Shorty. This film made blasé headlines when, during filming, Travoltorino revealed that he is actually black, an illegitimate child of the Wayans underworld crime family who influenced the 1500th U.S. presidential election. Travoltorino was injured during the making of this movie when co-star Pumbaa Thurman hocked his nads with a sushi knife.
[edit] Hair
It is well known that John Travolta has the greasiest hair ever, with infinite amounts of grease with which he could take over the world if he wanted. In order to maintain his status as the 'disco grease lord', Travolta orders barrels of purified crude oil for his hair. He often is near bankruptcy when oil prices increase. Some conspiracy theorists suggest that Vincent's hair is actually a secret government stockpile of oil and grease reserves for war time use, and fear that he could at any moment turn rogue much like their previously trained Osama Bin Laden mechanization and use it against us. In fact, when all the world's oil is used up in 2008, Travolta will have the only oil reserve left which will give him world supremacy - not to mention a really easy commute to work. Assassination attempts on Travolta's life have failed three times; the first two assassins (in 1990 and 1994) simply missed, with the third (during the making of Pulp Fiction) hitting him in the back of the head with two hollow-tip rounds from a 0.45 Colt. Unfortunately for the would-be assassin, Travolta's miles of grease shattered acted as a repulsor shield, and both bullets returned to their source, killing the shooter.
[edit] Movie budgets
Roughly 2/3rds of the budget for Travolta movies goes into hiring people who's sole purpose is to convince him that science in movies isn't real and he can calm down. Ironically these same people are in charge of Tom Cruise's daily electroshock and sperm facial treatments.
he loves rap not disco
[edit] Trivia
- Real name is Enis-Jonathan Travolinia III
- First acting gig was playing a pregnant kangaroo in a High School play.
- Is actually a really bad actor
- Communicates with L. Ron Hubbard via psch-IM, an instant messaging system that uses mental brainwaves that pre-clears are incapable of understanding
- Once ran for President as a Third Party Ticket with E.T. as his running mate.
- is a traveler of both time and space, much like Robert Plant in the song Kashmir, but unlike him, does not accrue frequent flier miles.
- a avid fan of the short lived t.v. show "After M*A*S*H," a spinoff of the enormously popular series, which followed the lives of Colonel Potter and Corporal Klinger after their time at the 4077th.
- Believes in a religion invented by a guy 60 years ago so he could get rich.
- Hates Miley and Hilary.
- Had a retarded son until he died.
[edit] See also
| Preceded by: Homsar | Ladies Men 1970 - 1983 | Succeeded by: Tom Jones |
| This article forms part of the series on Scientology | |
| Beliefs | Space Opera ~ Xenu ~ Dianetics ~ Thetans ~ The Sacred Movements of Goa Tse ~ Emo Hitler ~ Anonymus | |
| Concepts | AT Field ~ Objectivism ~ The Force ~ Clear ~ Hodgepodge (the hidden truth) | |
| Practices | Kitten Huffing ~ ITASTWD | |
| People | Tom Cruise ~ Katie Holmes ~ Lestat de Lioncourt ~ John Travolta ~ Beck ~ Superman ~ Chef ~ Will Smith ~ Captian Caveman ~ Dazi I ~ Dazi II | |
| Enemies | You ~ Me ~ Oprah ~ South Park ~ YTMND ~ 4chan ~ The Holiday Hawk ~ Walken! ~ Rick Astley ~ Paris Hilton(Person)b~ Dr. Mario~ Pacman~ Horses~ Italians~ W. Mark Felt~ Mr. Men | |
[edit] Filmography
- 2008 - Squirt
- 2007 - Cum Spray
- 2007 - Wild Bitches
- 1994 - Pulped from friction
