John Travolta
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“John Travolta was found guilty on many occasions of premeditated regicide.”
~ Oscar Wilde on John Travolta
“The Church of Scientology does not permit gay love. But that's not stopping me and Tom!”
~ John Travolta on his burning lust for Tom Cruise
Vinnie Barbarino, better known today as John Travolta, is actually a real life person who became very rich in the loan sharking business. In his will he left a sizeable amount of money to have a set of films and television shows made to document his life. The popular show “Welcome Back Kotter” was the first project to come out of this effort. After high school Vincent Barbarino -- his real name -- spent a period of his youth entering dance contests, which later were documented in “Saturday Night Fever”. After figuring out that this was not a very profitable trade he moved to Miami where he worked as a loan shark. This was somewhat documented in the movie “Get Shorty”. It was during this period of his life that he moved to Hollywood, California and became intrigued with the idea for the movies that document his life and eventual death. It wasn’t until much later after he was involved in the drug business and was killed while on a stakeout by a boxer that the “almost” final chapter of his life was written – “Pulp Fiction”. "Almost" because the movie “Michael” portrays him as an overweight angel. This part of his life/afterlife is only speculation, though there is a Vinnie Barbarino cult that is fixated on his life and death that claims to have some level of proof that "Michael" was actually based on a real set of events.
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[edit] John Travolta Disease
John Travolta disease is a disease started by John Travolta. It emerged in the mid-nineties just after Pulp Fiction when co-stars frequently experienced bouts of excessive scalp hair and mushed chin syndrome (MCS). Since then it has been listed as the main money-drainer as cited by the NHS and is the only reason American's buy health insurance (they used to fear Super AIDS and lupos). Symptoms are varied but always include long black hair and dellusions of aliens. Some long-term sufferers have beeen known to drive their cars off cliffs believing they have a licence to fly, whilst others simply attempt to eat their own mouth. John Travolta has recently donated a large sum of money to the John Travolta Disease foundation started by Steve Ballmer and himself, an irnoy in itself, whilst also passing his disease on to co-stars Matt Damon and Richard Greico.
[edit] Political Career
Travolta was the biggest loser ever known who briefly reigned over pluto during the terrible reign of Disco. By some historians he therefore has been wrongly accredited to have invented Electricity - which was later reaccredited to Thomas Edison. Unfortunately, truth was revealed too late to prevent the unit for Magnetism from being named "Travolta" by the IEEE.
Travolta himself is actually an airline pilot that spends part of his time employed by the movie industry making movies about Barbarino’s life and the rest as an employee of Qantas. He gained his flying experience in a stint in the Air Force, after the acting career lull that came in response to the movie “Look Who’s Talking”. Travolta advanced to captain and actually --did fly the B-2 Stealth Bomber that was used in the movie “Broken Arrow”.
There are plans for a “Welcome Back Kotter” reunion where the sweathogs go looking for Vinnie. The show is set to premiere this fall on HBO. Travolta will be playing the part of Gabe Kaplan, who refused to join the old crew in a dispute over rights to his jokes about body sounds that his Father would make.
Travolta also appeared in the movie Fountainhead Earth, where he pays tribute to Ayn Rand, founder of the Church of Objectivism. In real life, inspired by the teachings of the Church of Scientology, Travolta achieved supercosmic transcendence, projecting his astral self into an alternate universe where he merged with his counterpart, an actor named Vinnie Barborino who portrayed - character John Travolta (otherwise known as the "Italian Stallion"), whose personality (or lack of) overwrote Travolta's memory engrams, and thus became known as God (or perhaps more appropriately, one of His nine billion names--see Ray Bradbury). He took the shortened stage-name Travoltorino (inspired by the car from another 70s sitcom Starsky and Hutch) and "went back to where it all began", chronicling some more of the life of his counterpart/alter-ego in the movie "Be Cool", a sequel to Get Shorty. This film made blasé headlines when, during filming, Travoltorino revealed that he is actually black, an illegitimate child of the Wayans underworld crime family who influenced the 1500th U.S. presidential election. Travoltorino was injured during the making of this movie when co-star Pumbaa Thurman hocked his nads with a sushi knife.
[edit] Hair
It is well known that John Travolta has the greasiest hair ever, with infinite amounts of grease with which he could take over the world if he wanted. In order to maintain his status as the 'disco grease lord', Travolta orders barrels of purified crude oil for his hair. He often is near bankruptcy when oil prices increase. Some conspiracy theorists suggest that Vincent's hair is actually a secret government stockpile of oil and grease reserves for war time use, and fear that he could at any moment turn rogue much like their previously trained Osama Bin Laden mechanization and use it against us. In fact, when all the world's oil is used up in 2008, Travolta will have the only oil reserve left which will give him world supremacy - not to mention a really easy commute to work. Assassination attempts on Travolta's life have failed three times; the first two assassins (in 1990 and 1994) simply missed, with the third (during the making of Pulp Fiction) hitting him in the back of the head with two hollow-tip rounds from a 0.45 Colt. Unfortunately for the would-be assassin, Travolta's miles of grease shattered acted as a repulsor shield, and both bullets returned to their source, killing the shooter.
[edit] Movie budgets
Roughly 2/3rds of the budget for Travolta movies goes into hiring people who's sole purpose is to convince him that science in movies isn't real and he can calm the down. Ironically these same people are in charge of Tom Cruise's daily electroshock and sperm facial treatments.
[edit] See also
| Preceded by: Homsar | Ladies Men 1970 - 1983 | Succeeded by: Tom Jones |
| This article forms part of the series on Scientology | |
| Beliefs | Space Opera ~ Xenu ~ Dianetics ~ Thetans ~ The Sacred Movements of Goa Tse | |
| Concepts | AT Field ~ Objectivism ~ The Force ~ Clear ~ Hodgepodge (the hidden truth) | |
| Practices | Kitten Huffing ~ ITASTWD | |
| People | Tom Cruise ~ Katie Holmes ~ Lestat de Lioncourt ~ John Travolta ~ Beck ~ Superman ~ Chef ~ Will Smith | |
| Enemies | You ~ Me ~ Oprah ~ South Park ~ YTMND ~ 4chan ~ The Holiday Hawk ~ Walken! ~ Rick Astley | |
