Johnny Depp

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

PIECE OF CRAP WARNING! This page is a piece of crap. The author(s) acknowledge this.

“Fine Faggot. You go to hell, you go to hell and you die”

~ Mrs. Garisson on Johnny Depp

Johnny "Douchebag" Depp is a well known british(you can tell by his yellow teeth that he is british) tooth brush burglar who steals tooth brushes at night. No one knows what he does with all the brushes since its obvious he doesn't use them to brush. It is believed that he sticks them all up his ass. It is also believed that he is the mystery partner of the tooth fairy. Contrary to popular belief, he is entirely CGI.

He's the famouse sea turtle/emo - nobody is quite sure which or if they are the same person?), now a famous booty pirate, currently resides in France, and works in the film and television industry. For the last fifteen years the UCLA science department has studied Depp, as that he is the only known human to emit what is know called the "Depp Particle." He has been voted "most oversexed man of the year over 40" for the last five years running in Senior Citizen Magazine. Nuclear scientists theorize that the speed to which young girls are drawn to Depp Particle emissions is approximately UNIQ4d9260ccaf6d25e-math44f3d780206df59100000001 meters per second, whereas X is equal to the Joules of energy present in his body odor, and M is equal to the inverse particle distribution in meters, and S is equal to whether or not he's in a pirate suit. Johnny is also twin to rock-star Jack White

Contents 1 Early Life and Works 2 Love Life 3 Later Life and Works 4 Random Facts

[edit] Early Life and Works

Born John Paul II in the Vatican, Italy on June 9, 1763, Depp wasn't a sea turtle yet but was a adult Pope but found his legacy tedious and mundane. He dropped out at age 15 and declared that popes should be elected by a Catholic Referendum, to be conducted online and internationally. He became a rock star, eventually moving to France and then Saudi Arabia, while writing lyrics in a religious, albeit progressively morbid, vein. Depp fans worldwide, sensing his deep sense of religious loss, endeavored to persuade him that their country offered true salvation. Muslim Sunnis in Saudi Arabia finally convinced Depp, offering him 70 virgins in this world without having to wait and a ready-made oil fortune. Unfortunately, as a Muslim Depp's musical genius was somewhat tainted, since the local muslims never took a hankering to his blasphemous brand of beatbox. While Depp adored his 70 wives, he found the oppressive atmosphere and intolerance of non-Muslims reminiscent of the Vatican, so one day he dressed up as Vincent Price and fled the country in disguise. Adding to the offence, He was beaten savagely by The Brave Little Toaster wielding a pistol.

Returning to France, Depp pondered Hollywood as a future option, then trashed the idea, saying "Holy Shit!", instead he turned to piracy and sailed the Spanish Main and a film called Pirates of the Caribbean was made about his life and his relationship with his dad who was actually the Pirate leader.

Currently it is suspected that Depp is on a quest to find the legendary pirate tresure, one piece, hidden 100 years ago by the great pirate king, Gold Roger. He has alegedly been spotted with a strange young man with elastic like streaching capabilities, however these reports have not been verified. Its also possible that he is in a ship sailing out into the stars with his one true love, Orlando Bloom. Unfortunatly, during the shooting of Black Hawk Down II, Orlando fell out of the helicopter yet again and died on impact. The world rejoices. Their man-babies (carried by Orlando) are in hiding, for Depp fears for that chick who starred in the POTC movies with them (ya' know the one--she had a really annoying voice and no tits) will toss them off a cliff and use their innards to make jelly for her toast. Thier names can be found in fanfiction. *u* He rapped my ass u fuck face cunt!!!<- indeed he did...=)

[edit] Love Life

Johnny Depp is a sexy bitch... And thats cool.... anal leakage

“HOW DARE THAT BASTARD; ADAM SANDLER YOU DIE!!!!”

~ Crystal "Rain" McDaniel on Johnny's affair

Johnny depp is said to have dated co-star Edward Scissorhands, more commonly known as Tim Burton, for 20 years. After their break-up (Tim prefered partners of the he/she zombie variety) Depp had been romantically linked to Adam Sandler. Recent reports claim that Depp has been sighted with far to many white children- fueling rumours that Burton has indeed followed up his bid to mass produce biological offspring of he and Depps' through a self engineered cloning/IVF/surrogate procedure. Two 'Hosts', Vanessa Paradis and Helena Bonham Carter, will carry the offspring to full term before they are removed and placed in a specially designed, top-secret boarding school to be trained in the arts or bush hair, make-up, black, moody looks, off-balance set design, Danny Elfman, trashing hotel rooms and air guitar. This step in advanced science will ensure, Burton hopes, that he and Depp will continue to make feature films together for the rest of all eternity.

“By the way, I'ma gonna hog tie you Johnny!!!!”

~ Crystal "Rain" McDaniel on Johnny's affair, again

On June 32, 3001, Depp broke up with Adam Sandler after he found the latter masterbating to a video of Holly Hunter. He is now said to be dating Big Papi.

[edit] Later Life and Works

Revived by fart a Hollywood producer in 1999, Depp was feeling sleepy and hollow, so he decided to chang he species and become a sea turtle. He moved to London, but found that while the atmosphere was alright, things could've been better off with other co-workers. Pretty soon things quickly turned from bad to worse and the time in London really didn't help Depp to get out of his depression. Upon his return to France he - seemingly shocked by the experience - said to the press that he was back from hell. Following these gruesome events, Johnny decided that he needed to take a vacation in the Caribbean, where he learned how to sail, fight and drink ridiculous amounts of liquor. His time there was well spent and he met a lot of beautiful women who nursed him back to health as a return favor for his Don Juan years. When he got back he moved out of his old French apartment and built the world's greatest chocolate factory. That was however given away, and a recent press release claims that Johnny now has found his Neverland, as he is planning to move in with his secret lover Helena Bonham Corpsebride. The couple have bought a house from the famous real estate agent Tim Burton, and the move-in will take place sometime during 2006.

Update: 1 May 2006 In a tragic plane accident over the Atlantic Ocean, the young star in the height of his glory lost his life when the plane crashed into a mountain. There were no survivors of the crash and the body has been identified only by his dental records.

Update: 6 July 2006 Johnny Depp was found alive when Queen Latifah mistook him for a baked ham and was about to sink her teeth into his juicy buttocks when she was startled by his cry of "Wait! Wait! I'm not kosher!" He then beat her with a cactus. The public was starled by the reappeance of the beloved star. It seemed fishy, however, that he reappeared just in time for the release of his most recent movie, Pirates of the Caribbean 3: Dead Man's Vest. Almost as he has been leading a... double life...

[edit] Random Facts

• Johnny Depp is scared of clowns after being savagley raped by one.
• Johnny depp is a famous example of a metrosexual.
• Johhny Depp loves pudding.
• There's no mom joke involving Johnny Depp.
• You were conceived by Johnny Depp.
• Johnny Depp is in fact your father.
• Nobody likes you because you were conceived by Johnny Depp.
• Johnny Depp fucked your mother for a buck yesterday ( what a cheap whore she is ! )
• Johnny Depp tried to commit suicide after you were born.
• Johnny Depp owns lots of money.
• Johnny Depp is prounounced Joni Deep.
• Johnny Depp is NOT not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not Tim Burton's son's godfather.
• Oxygen is the cause of Global Warming, not Johnny Depp.
• Edward scissor hands is in fact Johnny Depp- therefore he dated himself for 20 years.
• Horseradish sauce does NOT go well with cabbage.
• Johnny Depp has one daughter, that he knows of. Her name is Orlando Bloom, Orlando's mother is

Captain Barbossa's Twin sister.

• Edward Scissorhands has no penis due to a masturbation incident.
• Lord Durham is a close friend of Johnny Depp
• During the filming of Pirates of the Caribbean 25, Johnny Self-contiously fired a cannon at Orlando Bloom's head resulting in a re-cast for the film. After this happened every women tried to kill him.
• CJ Sparrow/Johnny has had a few secret children over the years most of whom have become famous in their own right. However only Keith Richards has portrayed one of his own relatives when he unknowingly played his own grandfathe

HE LOVES PUDDING! Plus he is a meth dealer who smokes.

\