UnBooks:Johnny Foreigner's Guide to British Humour
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“Wait...I don't get it.”
~ Oscar Wilde on British Humour
“WTF Oscar Wilde is British!”
~ Captain Obvious on Top of Your Mum
British humour is the greatest of all forms of entertainment. No foreign person ever invented has truly understood this, especially not inhabitants of the fucking terrible nation of Europe. This handy, helpful guide will let you, Johnny Foreigner, get to grips with this important part of British culture.
Before we start, two extremely important ground rules should be brought to the attention of the non-British:
- 1. We (the British) don't like you. Whether we're scared of you or we laugh at you, either way you're not our friends nearly as much as you think you are. Ha.
- 2. We (the British) don't like ourselves. We're socially inept, we've pissed our Empire up the wall, we’ve pissed off everyone in our own continent of Europe and the rest of the world and our only friends are the United States.
- 3. No truly British person likes the United States.
- 4. The only way we survive is by always taking the mickey out of ourselves.
Collectively, the way we disguise shameful ingrained impulses is known as humour.
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[edit] The History of Humour
Humour was invented in Britain in 1066 by John Cleese when he was heard to quip, "Those bleedin' Normans will be making a carpet about this!" Unfortunately, he was correct, but who can guess what the French will do next?!
The development of humour was slow during the Dark Ages that followed, mostly because French people ruled the country and as everyone knows French people have a rubbish sense of humour.
The next jump in humour was the development of actors, invented in 1584 by William Shakespeare. The use of actors allowed the spreading of humour further than ever before as their main job was to ram humour down the throats of those who came to watch them. Shakespeare has been credited with the invention of innumerable hilarious one-liners such as "Out, out damned spot", "To be or not to be, that is the question", "God, I want to die", and "I bite my thumb at thee".
True British humour only really came to the fore after the invention of the radio in 1910 by then top comedian King George V. This allowed the much more subtle play-on-words-style of humMAS associated with the British today.
The current state of British humour is one of disarray. Monty Python, the famous snake-charmer and fortune-teller, has often been quoted as the biggest influence of current surreal comedy in the UK, with his own cult following. Current devotees of the Cult of Python are Queen Elizabeth II, Harold Shipman, The Mighty Boosh and Tony Blair, amongst other famous comedians.
[edit] The Essential Components of British Humour
[edit] Sarcasm
Oxford English Dictionary definition of Sarcasm: "If I could say this and roll my eyes it would be funny."
Sarcasm is the "use" of "quotation marks" around any "word" to "make" it "funnier". You will know when "Johnny Foreigner" does this because he will actually use his "fingers" to make little "speech mark things" in the "air". The thing about British "people" is that they don't always do this so it can be "hard" to tell when they are being "sarcastic". An example of "sarcasm" is "Johnny Foreigner now understands British humour completely!"
Foreigners can safely assume that any time a British man compliments another British person they are using sarcasm; the only exception is for beautiful women, whom they may actually be complimenting in an attempt to sleep with them. This is a common occurrence, as the British have a lot of suppressed emotion ("horniness"). This explains the almost universal unattractiveness of British men to foreign women, except of course for American women, who love British men. This could be yet another sign of a complete lack of humour, or possibly the best joke ever, who knows.
[edit] The 'Fuck off'
Used throughout time, history and space the 'Fuck Off' is both an excellent and celebrated act as well as a joke. Invented by Oscar Wilde on his trip to Canal Street, Manchester, the 'Fuck off' was designed to have men thrust their hips violently forwards whilst moving away from the onslaught joker. It later gained a second way of being performed and is now in common use by people form eight to eighty. The act of having someone 'Fuck Off' is one that varies from place to place in Britain. For example, here is the routine 'Fuck Off' in Scotland. "Good sir, by chance is their an asian ladyboy brothel nearby?"
"FOOK OFF LADDIE!"
A noticeable dialect, you must agree. However, just a few miles south of the border and in Manchester you may hear: "Got a light, mate?"
"Fuh' off, lad."
No doubt there is a noticeable difference now. However, once you travel to London the change really shows. "Excuse me, could you direct me to the tobacconist please?"
"YOU WHAT MATE? That's fuckin' hilarious! Dave! Dave! Come an' 'ave a look at this ponce!"
"Fackin' hell! What's he wearing on 'is 'ed? It's loik' a fackin' handbag!"
"'Owld on, I'm takin' a pictcha'!"
"Ha ha! Nice one."
"Alright, mate, ya' can fuck off nah."
The cockney slang is still effective and can extend a simple dismissal into public humiliation. You can yourself use the 'fuck off' in conversation, such as with your mother, your grandmother or your cat.
[edit] Irony
Irony is the use of iron in humour. For example many people feel that the “iron lady” (note the speech marks), Margaret Thatcher was the biggest joke of her time. The person who is funny, or the comedian, will pull out an iron bar or similar and beat the listener over the head with it repeatedly. This is incredibly funny for those people watching.
An example of verbal irony would be saying "I haven't had a comedian batter me over the head with an iron bar recently" just as a comedian is walking up behind you with an iron bar.
But a better example of irony would be an impressive example:
- Football Player 1: "I'm going to get some water" (see below for more information on British Water)
- Football Player 2: "Get me some"
- Football Player 3: "Get me some too"
- Football Player 1: "Water's not cheap you know!" (being a good example of irony in itself)
- Football Player 2: "Yeah, anyone would think it falls from the sky" (thus completing the proof of the infinite power of British Humour)
Irony must be quoted with the upmost seriousness, otherwise it simply isn't funny. An example of sarcasm would be, "Hey you, Suck MY BALLS!" However those of whom live in the north of England may hear the joke told of: "People say that 'cos I'm from Wigan I always end me sentences wiv' a pronoun. I don't even know what a pronoun is, me."
[edit] Self-Deprecation
Self-deprecation is a form of humour unknown to the American. It is when a person says something about themselves that is nearly always true and horrible. It only works well when combined with sarcasm. For example, "I am a stupid moron" is self-deprecating but not funny, whereas the phrase "I am a genius", combined with the power of sarcasm, becomes hilarious.
[edit] The Piss-Take
All British people are great fans of the piss-take ("Taking the Mickey"). This is when one person makes fun of another in front of their mutual friends without the second person knowing they are. This is often the start of a fight; traditionally the phrase "are you taking the piss?" is said and then the two people go at it Marquis of Queensbury style, as this is how all British people fight.
If you suspect a British person of making fun of you in this way, the best thing to do is to pretend to be genuinely offended. The British do not know how to respond to actual emotion as they have spent countless years hiding theirs behind "humour".
If you are German then the traditional piss-take is for a Brit to ask "Is Germany really THE wurst place in Europe?" (notice the emphasis on THE). If you are German then the best course of action is to answer in the affirmative and then place your towel on the nearest sun-lounger. This will totally defuse the situation and earn you enormous respect (see also: Sarcasm).
[edit] Playground Humour
Playground humour is the type of humour practiced in Britain only in the playground by small children below the age of 6, but in America is the dominant form of humour and is called Humor. It involves words like poo and wee and oblique references to body parts normally hidden from view even when bathing. In playground humour adding the word 'bum' to any sentence makes it funny (in America 'yo ass' is substituted for the word bum. For instance the joke "Knock Knock, who's there, yo ass" is, I am told, particularly popular in some states). Rule one of the Humor handbook states that a kick in the balls is the world's funniest thing and therefore any joke or comic sketch that lacks a punchline can be ended with a kick in the balls and will always be funny. For examples of this see any Hollywood comedy billed as 'hilarious' or which the film reviewer from The Sun calls 'laugh-a-minute'.
Some "interesting" facts about Playground Humour:
- In the state of California any heavy or fast moving flying object must land squarely in the groin of a hapless antihero, who must then cross his eyes in extreme close up. This is the absolute law. As above, see any Hollywood-produced comedy for confirmation of this.
- A joke that contains reference to poo but does not end with a kick in the balls is known as Toilet Humour.
- The film reviewer of The Sun is contracted to say that all comedies are laugh-a-minute and all thrillers are thrill-a-minute in order to get quotes in every film advertisement ever created. (The clause that stated all Romances should be dubbed shag-a-minute was written out as it didn't work. A team of highly paid script writers have been working on a universal review quote for Hollywood romances for a number of years but is yet to present a definitive answer. The current front runner is 'really crap').
[edit] Potty Humour
Toilet humour is at once the best and the worst of British humour. Seen as the realm of the child and the moron, toilet humour is often despised. It is also just about the funniest kind of humour there is. Unfortunately many foreigners can also make toilet humour, or indeed construct devices for harvesting it from toilets. (Note: this should not be confused with 'taking the piss'.) This means that the world is full of toilet humour so for the cultivated British expert it just doesn't come up to scratch. There isn't an abundance of it in the United Kingdom, mainly due to the Nickelodeon Famine (2003-2105) of Ireland.
Words that constitute toilet humour, in alphabetical order, along with the literal American-English translation, are:
- Arse: Your ass
- Bugger: Sex with one's ass
- Bum: Your ass
- Fanny: Your ass but not ours
- Cock: Male chicken
- Chelsea: Old Age Pensioner
- France: Cheese-eating surrender monkey
- Pooh: Bear excrement. Also a type of bird
- Shit: Victoria Beckham. Also a type of bird
- Tit: David Beckham. Also a type of bird
Another example of toilet humour is its use in songs. If you make a song, there are two things you can do to make it funny. The first is take the piss out of fat people (see "The Piss-Take"), and the second is to fart in the most loud and disgusting way possible (only the Irish do this as a result of said crisis above). Both of these methods will instantly make even the most unfunny song sound more humorous than your mum.
[edit] Satire
Britons have always used their powers of humour for good, as such they direct their awesome ability to crush opponents beneath a heap of laughing people against politicians and famous people in general. This is called satire and is done mostly in the form of cartoons wrapped around bricks and thrown through windows. Other techniques are egg throwing and dressing as fictional characters and climbing buildings, or sometimes pigs in tuxedoes who support communism.
Recent technological inventions like TV have increased the average satire output of the country, making the UK the largest exporter of satire in the world today. Famous satirists such as Rory Bremner get their laughs by dressing up as other people and committing crimes so the other person gets arrested. This kind of behaviour is greatly encouraged, as it keeps the police from shooting immigrants in the street.
A recent example of the successful use of satire was in the removal of the Tory party from government. In 1979 Margaret Thatcher swept into power and the nation's satirists arose as one to defeat her; 18 short years later they were successful, but now the joke is on them.
[edit] The Pun
The pun is a rare and elusive creature outside of the UK. Spawned in a passionate lovemaking session between rhyme and ness, the pun is often used in newspaper headlines, as a punishment and by physicists who know no other form of humour. It was used with devastating effect during the Cold War, when Hungarian physicists incorporated puns into newspaper headlines to punish Russia for invading their homeland and not being sufficiently funny.
A good pun is its own reword. The basic principle is to take a known and loved everyday phrase and turn it into something awful by changing the spelling or pronunciation. For example: "Pun for your life", "Be careful, he's got a pun", or "I'll punish you for that, you puny person". As these examples state, the pun is hated and reviled, but at least shows there is something going on in that little mind of yours, which will earn you some grudging respect from the British quarter.
e.g. "My wife's on vacation to the West Indies." "Did you make her/Jamaica" "No, she wanted to go". or "Having entered a play-on-words competition with 10 entries I am disappointed to learn that I didn't win. In fact, no pun in ten did".
It is also a cute little animal (see image).
A pun is not the lowest form of wit, but a bun is the lowest form of wheat.
Americans cannot find that last line funny, no matter how hard they try.
“Yes we can! Oh shit I'm British. Why is Humour not a word in editor?”
~ Oscar Wilde on British Humour
“Actually I'm Irish...twats.”
~ Oscar Wilde on British Humour
“Actually Ireland is part of Britain...so who's the twat now.”
~ Ian Paisley on British Humour
“No, it's not! You cockstain!”
~ Oscar Wilde on British Humour
“I meant Northern Ireland you cretin! Now piss off and let me eat my Marmite sandwiches!”
~ Ian Paisley on British Humour
“I'm from Dublin, in Southern Ireland. So you're still a twat, a cockstain and a cretin. While I, you see, aren't.”
~ Oscar Wilde on British Humour
“Actually, at the time, all of Ireland was part of the United Kingdom and thus Oscar Wilde was indeed a British citizen”
~ Pedants on British Humour
“Yes, but the United Kingdom and Britain are different, Britain refers to England, Scotland and Wales, where as the United Kingdom is the United Kingdom of Britain and Ireland”
~ The final word on British Humour
“Pelicans.”
~ Gregory Peck on Anonymous
“We do not like being eaten!”
~ Marmite sandwiche on Ian Paisley
“I got it, but I'm so very very alone...”
~ American raised on Monty Python on this article
“I fart in your general direction.”
~ Some ginger twat on on Monty Python
No self respecting Brit would find the above exchanges funny.
[edit] Examples
“The greatest monarch on the proudest throne, is oblig'd to sit upon his own arse.”
The above is a classical example by one of the greatest British humourists in recorded history (coincidentally he was a member of the last generation of British to be born in the American Colonies). Notice the use of the word arse and the high levels of irony. Unfortunately, the dumb Americans didn't get the jokes and thought that he referred to independence from the mightily benevolent English Empire, which caused much pain and general unhappiness.
“I'm from London.”
~ First Londoner
“....I'm sorry.”
~ Second Londoner
“Let's talk about how bad it is.”
~ First Londoner
This is an example of British locational joke. This mainly uses the style of self-depreciation, but incorporates a newer style or hating everything. Unlike American locational jokes, which usually go like this...
“Yo dude! I'm from New York”
~ First American
“WOOOOOOOO YEAH!!! NEW YORK BABY”
~ Second American
“YEAH!!”
~ First American
...which is then proceeded by a chest bump and a keg of beer.
To be a really funny, however, a British locational joke requires the use of another country as demonstrated here:
“Hey where's Bobby?”
~ American
“He's been sent to Coventry”
~ Brit
“I get it!!! You mean no-one wants to talk to him!!”
~ American
as compared to...
“Hey where's Bobby?”
~ Brit 1
“He's been moved to one of our offices in France”
~ Brit 2
“Wow you people must really hate that guy”
~ Brit 1
[edit] Great British Humour Today
- The word "mum"
- Fat people
- Anything to do with current events (it's all rigged, so its OK to laugh at)
- Anything to do with sultana events as well
- The death of Bernard Manning
- Saying to certain minorities "Oh look, I think that's Salman Rushdie over there!"
- Cancelled for another repeat of Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps, and an interview with Matt Lucas.
- British Politics (see point three)
- Pointing out the lack of points after those bullets above, a few lines AFTER the joke. Even though anyone who would understand the derivation of humour from the aforementioned blank lines wouldn't need to read this one to get it.
- errr....
- Ending lists with "errr..." and "that's all."
- That's all.
[edit] Geographical Location of British Humour
The funniest part of the UK is England, closely followed by France. These are the funniest parts of the country because they have the most jokes about them. For example, any sentence containing the words "Dear" "English" "your" "saint" "is" "a" "turk" "and" "your" "Queen" "is" "a" "Kraut" or "I'd" "rather" "wear "a" "Turban" "than" "a" "rose" is considered extremely funny, as everyone knows English people are only 2.2845 percent English to begin with, so the jokes make absolute sense.
Northern Irish people drink too much, and it is always funny to make jokes about boozers, especially jokes that sound really funny after you've had a round or two.
“This is an outrage.”
~ Ian Paisley on Everything
Cornwall comes in a close third due to the number of old people and ugly tourists, and another stupid accent, despite the fact the accent is little to never heard in anyone other than cafe owners. Note from a Cornish person: "Actually, the worst things are (a) the New Age Travellers (b) the tourists (c) the tourists clogging up roads..." (the list continues ad infinitum; I hate Cornwall, and I am Cornish). P.s. the accent does not exist - only the infamously corny Cornish comedian Jethro does it.
Scotland is the least funny part of the country, as the people don't stop talking about independence which gets really boring. Also they are scary and tight gits and no one wants to talk to them (or do child labour harvesting heroin in high-rises), and their accent is so scary no-one can understand them anyway (Well actually, Americans consider Scottish people funny, but we're not really talking about them now, are we?). Within England itself, the North is considered funny by southerners and the South is considered funny by northerners.
Places that everyone can make fun of include Liverpool, Birmingham, Sunderland, Liverpool again, Dudley, America, Liverpool, Yorkshire and Scouseland (aka Liverpool).
[edit] The Science of British Humour
Scientists have long been trying to determine what makes the British so great at being funny. In 1986 Murray-Gellmann proposed a new particle to add to the Standard Model of particle physics for just this purpose. Regarding it as a fundamental building block of nature, he called it the 'funny quark' or FQ and hypothesised that it was caused when a strange quark combines with a bottom quark.
In response, Codlington (1992) published his own study declaring that the fundamental particle of humour was of a much higher order, and proposed the designation 'ironion'. The scientific debate rapidly deteriorated after Murray-Gellman was seen following Codlington around in public bellowing "FQ!" at every opportunity.
Also unresolved, and currently unstudied, is any theory explaining how British people end up with more of the fundamental particles of humour than other nationalities. Current consensus favours the hypothesis that there is something in the water in the UK. In fact, the government of the UK has been tampering with the water supply since 1924, when they began adding fluorine to help with dental care after every single dentist in the country had been killed in the First World War.
The actuallity is infact that "with all this bloody rain around you've got to be funny". This interesting fact was unearthed when someone thought to actually ask British person. The person who asked the question was either Canadian or Australian because Yanks obviously lack the basic intellect required for such a brilliant solution.
[edit] The Funniest Joke Ever Told
In 1940, Adolf Hitler, then head honcho of Germany, already attempting to force German "humor" down the rest of Europe's throats, turned his sights upon Great Britain. This tactic did not work for the simple reason that German "humor" was not funny when compared to proper British humour, primarily because everything a German tried to say just sounded angry.
“Sie beißtschrecklichenjetzt sichfeuchtejederürchtet Zungeerschreckenaufegebrochenen gefingertwerdenimmegangen weilsiesich gerneleckenlässt.”
~ Adolf Hitler on Why a Jew is different from a pizza, we think..
Needless to say, the British didn't take this affront to their self-described "wonderful" sense of humour too kindly, and began their development of the Funniest Joke Ever Told. Though its use was a tremendous success to combat the German lack of humour, it was, perhaps, a bit too funny, as it would kill anyone who heard it. The ensuing slaughter became known as the Lolocaust.
Hitler, so distraught at learning that he could never be as funny as the British began work on his own version of the Funniest Joke in the World. He finally completed it on April 30, 1945. Unfortunately, the only people ever to read it were hiding away with him, and none of them survived. The joke was destroyed by Allied troops upon discovery.
[edit] Accent and Dialect (Not the hoovers!) Pisstake
As the Scouser twat said to the shitty little kid in the McDonalds advert, "Wha wod u lak in ur happa meel?" Because their are many different places in Britain, there are different ways of talking too. Examples include: Scousers(liverpool), Brummies(Birmingham), Fucking Twats(Londoners), Sheepshaggers(Welsh) and many more!
[edit] Reception
“When I read this book I'm no closer to understanding British humor than I was five seconds ago. Prehaps they should go see that cool website "Uncyclopedia" and learn how to be funny and not just stupid.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Johnny Foreigner's Guide to British Humour
[edit] Links
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