Johnny Rotten

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Sir Johnny Rotten was born in 1956 in Finsbury Park, London. He supports Arsenal, and perhaps, coincidentally, is something of an arsenalhole. Rotten is considered by many to be a God among men; by others, just a God. Made famous for his work with The Socks Pickles, whether you dislike John or just think he's a prat, he's hard to ignore. He invented "punk rock" 15 minutes before Dee Dee Ramone discovered what a pen was.

He is famous for his chipped teeth, which he says he got from apparently surviving a bomb blast by Al Qaeda. He also made Duffy cry, what a badass.

[edit] Childhood

Rotten had a troubled childhood, contracting a terrible disease from the rats that he made friends with. They all lived in the same house in Lahndan (London). Fearing that they couldn't provide the impetus that he needed, they recommended some distant relatives that may help him with his emerging career. Their names? Malcom McLaren and Vivienne Westwood.

[edit] A Punk and His Music

John, or "fuck off, mate, no one's cared about your opinion since 1978" as he is known by all, became a shelf-stacker for Malcolm McLaren at his his shop, 'Sex', before forming a rock 'n' roll band with Steve Jones, Paul Cook and Glen Matlock. The band started doing well and Johnny's songs such as "I Actually Rather Like The Queen" and "Bodies - Abortion is Bad" soon became Top of The Pops chart hits, narrowly beating Rod Stewart and his rearrangement of the classic, "Bollocks to You, I Fucked Your Grandma's Cunt".

Rotten soon decided that Matlock was too good a bass player, songwriter and better looker, and decided to get teetotaller mate Sid "John John" Vicious in to replace him, because Sid "John John" liked the Beatles more. Sid "John John", Johnny "John" Rotten "Lydon" and Jah "John" Wobble "Wardle" then started PiL which has been scientifically proven to be worthless unless you enjoy wearing grey overcoats, which 100% of the population does. Sid Vicious then robbed a bank, and never hurt nobody. It is understood he just loved to live that way and loved to steal your money.

Johnny now wants to become the new world leader and has been in talks with world green expert, Al Gore to formulate a plan which will get rid of President Dubya Muff of the USA. He believes this will make things easier for him, although experts say he still has to reckon with Vorderman's Russia.

Since Johnny claims that he invented music, this pissed the shit out of Showaddywaddy, who of course, are responsible for every piece of music ever written.

[edit] Claims

John has claimed to have invented:

• Oxygen
• Music
• Trees
• Hatred of Sting and The Police
• Your mom
• A small Kentish town known only as Nowhere. Apparently, the bus ride is quite fun.
• Belgium
• Morris Dancing
• Bollocks
• His Own Face
• The Letter P
• Llamas
• Mineral Water
• Another small Kentish town known as "Boredom", but more commonly called "Ramsgate".

[edit] Hates

John has also claimed to hate:

• Oxygen
• Music
• Trees
• Hatred of Sting and The Police
• A small Kentish town known only as Nowhere. Apparently, the bus ride is quite fun.
• Belgium
• Morris Dancing
• His Own Face
• The Letter P
• Llamas
• Mineral Water
• Another small Kentish town known as "Boredom", but more commonly called "Ramsgate".

[edit] Today

The very existence of Public I'm a Celebrity Ltd, or PiL for short, made clever rock critics come up with the term post-punk and a good time was had by all. Except Johnny Rotten who no longer enjoys anything and spends his moonlight years in a small room sneering at anything that comes near him, or alternately insulting those who come near him.