Johnson County, Kansas
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βThem rich motherfuckers can't drive!β
~ Oscar Wilde on Johnson County, Kansas
Johnson County is situated in northeastern Kansas, is the most populous, most wealthy and therefore the preeminent community in both the northern and western hemispheres. Its largest suburb, Kansas City, Missouri, is situated immediately to the east.
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[edit] History
Organized in 1857, the county's original function was as a rest area and weigh station for travelers heading west on the Santa Ana Trail. But then pioneer J.C. Nichols discovered the color beige and built the world's first cul-de-sac on a desolate flat prairie. Johnson County (also known as JoCo) comes from the Shawnee Indian term for Nouveau riche. The county seat is Phillip Michael Thomasville.
The county is also the sole source for all urban problems. Detoriating schools, rampant drug use, decaying infrastructures, poor decorating taste, venereal diseases, and CHUD were solely caused by Johnson County.
Overland Park is the largest city in Johnson County and was the first city in the United States to be named after a highway overpass. Although people have resided in Overland Park for many decades, the city did not officially incorporate as a city until 1961 when Kansas City needed a convenient scapegoat for its detoriating condition. Shortly thereafter, the city build a protective bubble over the entire city to protect itself from crime, blight, and dark-skinned people. Overland Park houses some of the finest public schools in the country, home to some of the highest quality marijuana sold in the area.
Olathe (pronouced Oh-lat-hey) is the second largest city in Johnson County and is located 17 miles south of Nebraska Furniture Mart. This city is the proud home to a Home Depot, Go Chicken Go, a Sonic, and is also the home of used car salesman and five time Kansas Senator "Hap" Hazard. Not surprisingly this bland beige wasteland is the only city to win the prestigious "Whitest City on Earth Award" nine times running, surpassing close rivals in Caucasianosity Des Moines, Iowa and Baton Rouge, Louisiana after the 1992 invasion of Huns. Olathe is also the birthplace of mayonnaise, the "Soccer Mom", popped collars, upside-down visors, the gated community, and homosexuality.
Other Johnson County cities include Fairway, Prairie Village, Leawood, Roeland Park, Overland Park, Oak Park, Mission, Mission Hills, Mission Woods, Mission Forest, Mission Park, Roeland Mission, Sub Mission, Trans Mission, Mission Impossible, Missionary Position, Just Plain Shawnee, East Shawnee, Northeast Shawnee-Southwest, Crate and Barrel, Lake Shawnee, Bass Pro Shop, Shawnee Mission, De Soto, and Sunflower Army Ammunition Plant.
[edit] Significant Events
- May, 1986 - Arthur S. of Overland Park paints his house a tasteful shade of blue. He and his family are ceremoniously exiled, and the house is restored to its original beige.
- January, 1998 - Rocker Marilyn Manson goes door to door in Johnson County in attempt to shock people.
- January, 2002 - Man drops newspaper.
- October, 2005 - Lenexa erects a statue in honor of its residents - that of Suzy the soccer mom, wearing the customary JoCo uniform: an early 90s hairstyle, JCrew classic v-neck, Gap khakis, and Croc sandals.
[edit] Culture
Johnson County is considered a "mecca" of culture and refinement in Kansas, as evidenced by its overabundance of WalMart stores, strip malls, and chain restaurants. It is home to many different ethnic restaurants such as Pizza Hut, Taco Bell, and Olive Garden. One local hot spot for teenagers is Rosana Square. It also features an exciting nightlife, including several highly-regulated strip mall bar chains and a Dick Clark's American Bandstand.
[edit] Education
Johnson County has some of the most highly-ranked public schools in the nation. Students can choose from a wide range of courses including BMW repair, landscaping/golf course design, and traffic engineering. Local students were the inspiration for V.J., the brainiac child in Robin Cook's book, "Mutation".
[edit] Transportation
All citizens are issued one (1) large SUV and one (1) minivan plus one additional vehicle of any type that is never driven. Teens are issued their choice of a Jeep, BMW, or high-performance sports car and they must display either a ku or a JCCC decal in at least two places on the vehicle for it to pass initial inspections.
These vehicles are most commonly found dodging traffic and slamming into barriers on I-35 or I-435, usually heading to or from raids on the cultural attractions of neighboring Kansas City, Missouri. They are also commonly found in vast asphalt seas in front of strip malls, frequently driven from store to store in the same strip mall.
[edit] Road Rage Capital of the Midwest
Johnson County is also known as the Road Rage Capital of the Midwest, Drivers are very well encouraged to flip other drivers off, pull over and fight, cut other people off on I-35, Speed on I-435, bad mouth construction workers on US-69, and ignore the stoplight at Metcalf and 119th Street. Traffic signal and signage are meant for those less fortunate enough to live in Johnson County. The use of turn signals is also optional for JoCo residents - all other are expected to utilize them.
Precipitation is also a major source of road rage, and traffic accidents in Johnson County. Once precipitation begins all drivers are immediately required to accelerate to no less than 20 mph above the posted speed limit and begin ignoring marked lanes, road signs, and traffic signals. It is also common practice to drive into the first vehicle and/or road sign during the onset of a rain storm. During winter storms in Johnson County 4-wheel drive vehicles are required to roll or crash at least once per winter season, especially Tahoes and Suburbans.
[edit] Public Transportation
Johnson County is also home to The Jo, a bus-based transportation system that ranges from Overland Park, KS to somewhere inside Kansas City. The Jo is named after Joe Montana, a former oft-benchwarming first-string quarterback for the seminal Kansas City Chiefs. The system's route starts inside Oak Park Mall and ends in random locations inside the downtown area. Actual stop locations are not pre-listed due to hazardous stream crossings, unnavigable construction terrain, road-side bombs, and anti-bus protesters throwing rocks. Passengers are issued kevlar vests and are encouraged to view non-anglo persons aboard the bus, including the driver, with suspicion.
[edit] Socioeconomics
Johnson County is a very diverse community where you can find both Anglos and Saxons.
Ethnicity: White (99.73%), Black (.00002% mostly the ones that trickle over from Kansas City), Asian (.01%), Hispanic (.2598% officially, more if you count the hired help).
Income: JoCo residents were "hesitant to give a number" when asked about income by the latest U.S. Census, due to their well bred upbringing, making any collected information unusable. However, residents will tastefully boast their salaries to others at dinner parties and almost any other social function. According to the figures collected from these situations, the median household income appears to be $5,000,000,000,000,000.
Johnson County residents carry an average of $4,202,990.31 in credit card debt. Lowes, Home Depot, The Gap, and Target credit cards carry the bulk of this collective debt. And that used BMW your neighbor just bought? Yeah, dude is working at Papa Johns trying to make the payments because he rolled the negative equity from his 2004 F-150 into it so he would "pay less" per month.
[edit] Political Disputes
Johnson County has filed numerous complaints about the condition of Douglas County's lawn. Wyandotte County has been asked repeatedly to keep the noise down and has also painted their house an unapproved shade of taupe. Miami County has an RV parked out front that is raising some eyebrows and the height of their privacy fence is of some concern as well. Johnson County insists that its property values are being harmed because neighboring Jackson County uses composite shingles rather than cedar shake tiles on its roof. It is also certainly a dirty lie that JoCo is losing value while some neighboring counties are seeing a growth in property values, county funds, and household incomes. Probably started by that jealous old bag Wyandotte County.
[edit] Famous Johnson Countians
Some famous Johnson Countians include the Stepford Wives, Blondie Bumstead, and Kaiser Wilhelm.
