Bat Villains
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In the Batman series of comic books, as well as in its various forms in other media, Batman, Robin, and his allies in the fight against injustice have a group of 'usual suspects' in Gotham City who repeatedly offend the Dark Knight and his chums. These costumed villains serve as a wicked reversal of the masked justice that Batman brings to Gotham City. As is usual in the Batman mythos, many of the most colorful characters have interesting back stories which provide a fascinating highlight of the effects of human psychological dysfunction and the various ways it can be manifest.
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[edit] Superman
At a young age, Superman was anally raped by his exploding planet. This lead to his only weakness, which Batman frequently uses against him, the fear of having ANOTHER piece of Kryptonite shoved up his butt. Batman gets a laugh out of the fact that a little green rock brings this so called "Super" Man to his knees. Batman has deduced that Superman is in fact a giant pussy.
[edit] The Joker
He he he ha ho ho he he he hahaha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ho. He he ha ho he he. He ha ho ho ha ha he.
The Joker, also known as the Clown Prince of Crime, brings deadly capers to the citizens of Gotham yet always with a sickly comedic twist and a smile. He is famous (or infamous) for his special 'Joker Gas', which is consisted of 51,532 molecules of laughonium, an element discovered by The Joker's clown ancestors 500 years ago with an atom # of 34234. Rumors told the world (and the universe) if you breathe in it, you can smile for the camera HELL more efficiently. His psychosis stems from a childhood trauma in which he was anally raped by Mr. Jingles, Gotham's favorite clown, as revealed in "The Cheap Anal Rape Joke" (not Alan Moore's "The Killing Joke").
It later turned out that the Joker was none other than Cherie Booth, wife of Tony Blair - she used to trip Bruce Wayne up on his way to school and sit on him taking his dinner money; when Bruce's parents became involved she tried to force them to join the Labour Party, it got heated and she sliced his parents heads off by nasty paper cuts as Bruce watched, this dominated Bruce's life and he therefore became a Rockefeller Republican and later backed Arnold Schwarzenegger, he also vowed to take revenge and one day breaking in on Cherie undergoing beauty treatments they struggled and she feel into a VAT of boiling face cream - actually this made no difference to her appearance but she was convinced it did and vowed revenge upon Batman she became a lawyer and defended the worst of Gotham's underworld, spends most of her time in Machievelian plots. He is also the father of Ronald McDonald. He is also known for forcing people into boners.
[edit] The Penguin
The Penguin was rescued by one Henry VIII during his conquest of Russia. He saw the Penguin about to be launched from a catapult and said, "I am a nut, I have a rubber butt, every time I turn around it goes putt-putt". The Russian man let the Penguin go. Henry brought the Penguin to Old New York (New Amsterdam) and put him in a zoo, where he met a snowman named Mr. Freeze, and they became good friends talking about the stock market. Then Batman came and threw peanuts at the Penguin saying, "Do a flip or I'll stab your ass". The Penguin did not do a flip and his ass was raped by Batman's knife. This ass-stabbing incident was a turning point for the Penguin and he turned to a life of crime to avenge his brother, The Polar Bear, who was killed in Poland by Hitler because he was a Jew.
[edit] Mr. Freeze
Mr. Freeze is not actually a villain at all. He is actually a cute cuddly snow man found somewhere near the Democratic Republic of Congo. He was taken in by a young sheep herder who decided to sexually abuse him. Mr. Freeze was tied to a lamp post in front of the post office, and was bending over to tie his shoes when he was anally raped by a falling icicle. When turning around to see who was causing these anal fissures, he saw a man that looked like a bat. He swore revenge on this so called Batman, and came very close to destroying him, but sadly he was killed in a freak gasoline fight accident.
[edit] Mr. Fees
Mr. Freeze's lawyer, specialising in freezing assets - especially Batman's. Noted for wrapping everything up in red tape, now runs most of Western civilization.
[edit] Two-Face
Batman's emotionally and physically scarred adversary Harvey Dent became the maniacal lawyer Two-Face after being anally raped by two men at the SAME TIME as revealed in "The Dark Knight Gets Flushed", originally "The Dark Knight Returns, Only to Be Anally Raped". (That incident was rumored to be witnessed by Frank Miller, who created "The Dark Knight Returns" and "The Dark Knight Strikes Again".) His face was scarred after the incident because one of the men who anally raped him, though not revealed at the time, was actually the mutant villain Lord Acid, whose bodily fluids are all made of extremely strong acid. Lord Acid's semen got on one side of Dent's face, permanently scarring it. Two-Face suffered further mental trauma once his prized collection of 50-state quarters was stolen by The Joker in a humorous attempt to make Two-Face go that much more crazy. Batman, though reluctant to admit it, actually had to leave a fight with the Joker to rush home to the Bat-Cave to laugh for several hours after the Joker revealed this plot. It was one of only three times the Joker ever got Batman to laugh. The third time resulted in the Joker's near-demise when he attempted W.C. Fields's "Nose-Expansion" gag and nearly killed Batman with laughter. The second time, Batman read the Joker's Uncyclopedia pages about the lives of Shithead McFuck and Joe Shit the Rag Man. Batman has never recovered from his guilt at laughing at Two-Face's condition. Also loves a good fart joke.
TAILS
[edit] Captain Planet
It's well known that Batman hates the environment. Many of the things he does to hurt the environment are: Cut all the trees in his yard, signed a document that allowed Wayne Enterprises to dump their nuclear waste in a pond with fish, dump all his condoms from his Brutal anal rape exploits (Over 10,000) in the Yellowstone National Park. and he beat Smokey the Bear into a coma which he still hasn't come out of (December 12, 2006). Naturally Captain Planet couldn't let this continue so he went to the Batcave to talk about it, because he's a tree-hugging hippie bitch. However, when he arrived there Batman challenged him to a sword fight. After the fight that lasted 13 hours, Batman beat him. Since Batman won he commanded Captain Planet to let Robin and himself double team him in the behind. Captain Planet left in tears, and still to this days they are enemies because, and I quote (Captain Planet), "He couldn't even give a reach around."
[edit] The Riddler
The Riddler was somehow anally raped by a board game, which was based around trivia (No, NOT Trivial Pursuit). This drove him crazy and he decided to follow the patterns of the game (more like a couple). He somehow crossed paths with Batman, and the two quickly became enemies. He tried to solve a tongue twister, "How much would could a wood chuck, chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood", which also drove him insane when he tried to figure it out.
[edit] Batman
Batman himself turned to a life of masked justice after witnessing the brutal anal rape of his parents, therefore having a dual personality at the age of eight. Before the rapist could turn on him, he was saved by a low flying bat which hit the man in the head, as revealed in "What's Wrong With Me and Why Am I Using Batman Comics To Express My Dysfunctions?" (rumored to be written by Frank Miller).
[edit] Catwoman
Where's my Kitty Kat. Catwoman (born Dawn Primarolo) was for a number of years has been one of Batman's main enemies, turning to a life of crime after being animalistically anal-raped by 23 cream-loving house cats. Mysteriously enough, either Kevzspeare or Frank Miller has yet to write a comic about this event. A definite case of miaow though - notable for bad breath and wearing lots of leather catsuits, always jumping on Batman and Robin and pinning them down. They both say how wicked she is but both have children by her and she has swapped claws for clause now getting financial support for their children in the courts.
[edit] Batwoman
More commonly known as Clare Short, Batman has no idea why he married her - doesn't do much but moan in a strange voice. Had a bust up with Catwoman over her affair with Batman and when Catwoman called her Fatwoman, whacked Catwoman over the head with a frying pan and sat on her, however catwoman breathed on her and her catbreath was so bad that Batwoman fell off enabling Catwoman to get on top and triumph.
Disapproving of Batman's involvement in the War in Iraq, Batwoman left Gotham at the next General Elections.
[edit] Scarecrow
One of the few characters who was NOT anally raped. Before dabbling in the forces of not-niceness, Scarecrow, aka Dr. Niles Crane, was a college professor who taught some biology-related subjects. However, in the movie "Batman Starts it Up", he was fired for a combination of habitually parking in the dean's handicapped spot and for knocking up one of his graduate students. Since then, he's become of one Gotham's most prolific mass murderers. He kills his victims by tricking them to "pull his straw", thus releasing his "Feared Gas", a noxious, poisonous, terrifying gas that strikes fear in the hearts of all men.
In his formative years, he was picked on by his entire school for having a gangly body and for wondering why people laughed at Peewee Herman. You can guess what eventually happened to them. He will also brutally rape you in the ass if you make a Wizard of Oz wisecrack. Just ask Catwoman. He also considers Silent Hill to be a, "Nice place to unwind,".
Although not anally raped in Earth-One, in Earth-Two he was anally raped by a scarecrow.
[edit] Lord Xenu
Long before he was leading countless celebutards to Hell, Lord Xenu was one of Batman's most fearsome foes. When Batman's childhood friend was tricked into joining the Church of Scientology which caused him to become bat fuck insane, Batman led an attack on the Church's headquarters. After a fierce, year-long battle, Batman defeated Xenu by throwing him into a Volcano causing him to expire. He returned many years later in human form. Although he never anally raped Batman it is strongly hinted at in leaked memoirs that Xenu had an affinity for Batman, due to the fact that he suffered from being a homosexual.
[edit] Mad Hatter
A deranged computer programmer who grew up in Detroit, the Mad Hatter occasionally kidnapped women and brainwashed them into thinking that they were Alice in Wonderland characters and occasionally performing bondage on them, which later inspired CLAMP's "Miyuki-chan in Wonderland."
[edit] Rentboy
Otherwise known as the Boy Wonder, however this swindling asshole turned nasty when Batman stopped paying him and proceeded to rape Batman in the ass.
But eventually he was assassinated by Batman's butler Alfred Pennyworth, who is known for his exceptionally good sniping skills and his service in World War II, Korean War, Vietnam War, Gulf War, and more recently the Iraq War.
[edit] Batman look-alikes
Many over the years have tried to imitate the style of Bruce Wayne. The most famous of cases was the notorious picture of Pope John Paul II taken over what was later admitted to be a "wild weekend in Vegas." This image can be found here. The costume was supposedly created by Hell's Angels members in Vegas who wanted to pay their tribute to the Pope.
[edit] He-Man
He-Man once came to earth from a planet called Eternia in the hopes of shoving a magic sword given to him by some Sorceress, called the Sorceress up Batman's ass. He-Man was a seemingly unstoppable warrior whose mother was of earth origin, and many babbled on about his invincability, claiming that he was the most powerful man in the universe. When He-Man finally attempted to shove the sword up Batman's ass, the Dark Knight used a gadget in his utility belt to shave the blonde hair off of the so-called Most Powerful Man in the Universe. He-Man was sent back to Eternia through some black hole, and has not been heard from by earthlings since.
[edit] Big Ears
Former British Prime Minister Tony Blair discovred that former District attorney Harvey Kent had, after a promising begining of being idolised by all his people, only to crack under the preassure, raise taxes, start to resort to methods as imoral as those he opposed before giving into his bitterness and deciding people's very fates with the flip of coin. Feeling this was blatant plagrism, Blair vowed he would not rest until Two Face was destroyed. Taking on the name Big Ears, Blair waged a gang war that almoast tore Gotham City in two. Eventually, Batman had no choice but to call on George Bush to sort the crisis out. However, Bush being Bush, his policy was, "nuke em all and let Gawd sort em out!" Bush proceeded to fire an H Bomb onto Two Face and Blair's location while Batman, beliving his end was nigh, confessed his secret love of all things pink and fluffy. Fortunately, the bomb was Iranian made so upon a direct hit with Gotham it's only effects included a slight city wide stomach upset and a few nuns to explode.
[edit] Bat-See Also
