Jon Bon Jesus

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Jon Bon Jesus (1982-1991, 1994-present) - The carnation of Jesus most widely reported in the 1980's, Jon Bon Jesus was the man every girl wanted, and the man every man wanted to be. In the early years of the so-called Decade of Decadence, God (better known by his Italian pen name, Dio) recognized that the flock of faithful Christians began to dwindle rapidly, and decided to transform His one and only Son into a rock idol by fusing him with the entire band Van Halen using quantum combinatorial gene therapy. The result of said event laid somewhere between the two extremes of righteousness and debauchery, and the era of pop glam rock was born.

[edit] Musical Career

Beginning as a solo artist, Jon Bon Jesus was unable to sign onto a major record label and drew support mainly through local radio airtime and prayer. Realizing his need for back-up talent, Jon Bon Jesus decided to form Christian rock band Stryper and his music finally caught on in the mainstream. Unfortunately, Stryper kicked Jon Bon Jesus out of the band only a few years later, citing irreconcilable differences with the Lord. When asked if this schism was related to Jon Bon Jesus's experimentation with kitten huffing and cunnilingus, the remainder of Stryper declined to comment. Without the supporting cast of a band, Jon Bon Jesus once again faded away as a solo artist, much like his predecessor David Lee Roth.

[edit] Death and Rising Again

The onset of the grunge music in the late 80's and early 90's has been blamed to be the death of the era of rock and roll. For Jon Bon Jesus, this held especially true. Like glowing green kryptonite, Jon Bon Jesus found his powers weakened over several years until 1991, when the monstrous debut of Nirvana, headed by The Anti-Christ aka Kurt Cobain, dealt the Lord a fatal blow. Being half-mortal, it took Jon Bon Jesus three full years (as opposed to three days) to resurrect himself. Upon his rising, Jon Bon Jesus took the form of Dylan Carlson, bought a shotgun and impressed upon the mind of Cobain thoughts of suicide. The rest is history. Jon Bon Jesus is currently retired from stage performances and serves as inspiration for his new-found clan of disciples, The Darkness.