Jon Gaunt
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Many people have said many things about Jon Gaunt over the years: phrases such as overweight, shrill, simplistic, reactionary, and racist bigot spring to mind.
Known to many simply as "The Daddy" Gaunt is somewhat of a minor celebrity, he has many of his fat fingers in many pies. His two top achievements in life are writing for Marvel Comic "The Sun" and hosting his own one way talk show on England's 59th largest Radio Station talkSPORT. Gaunt is well known for his outspoken beliefs, in 2005 he was arrested for holding a naked protest outside the Houses of Parliament after a rise in taxes on toilet paper. Somewhat ironically, despite the arrest possibly being a breach of Gaunt's human rights, he was later charged with terrorism offences thanks to a recent Sun campaign for zero tolerance and sentenced to death by crucifixion. The sentence is expected to be carried out in 2014, when the hated Human Rights Act is repealed.
Contents |
[edit] Biography
[edit] Early Years
Early childhood was not good to Jon Gaunt - a series of devastating events led odd perversions such as masturbating in his mothers lingerie and poking his finger in his cat's bottom. In his autobiography "Unreadable" Gaunt attempts to explore the many reasons why this fetish which still controls his life to this day coming to the conclusion that the sudden death of his pet hamster at the age of 12 lead to him looking for a release for his grief, which in this case was wanking in to the pants of loved ones and massive over eating. Reports that he actaually killed the hamster in some sort of a sordid sex game remain unconfirmed and profusely denied by Gaunt. It is more likely he ate the Hamster. It is around this time that the young Gaunt is believed to have joined the neo-Nazi group "Combat 18", having developed an extreme hating of non-whites.
The next 10 years of his life remain shrouded in mystery - he was abandoned by his parents shortly after the masturbating/hamster incident and was placed in the care of the state. Foster home after foster home ensued leaving the young Gaunt bewildered and lonely. It was here that his passion for the sound of his own voice kicked in, he would use and old Dictaphone his Grandfather passed to him as a young child to record himself reading nursery rhymes, he would then play these back to himself at night as he wanked himself off to sleep.
All of this no doubt explains Gaunt's minor obsession with sordid sex and how to punish it.
[edit] First Breakthrough
Gaunt's first major breakthrough came after he sent one of his night time recordings to the BBC's children show Jackanory. His shrill, high pitch voice became an instant hit with the kiddies much to the chagrin of pet dogs across the UK, on the back of his success he starred in several novelty music singles based on the show - his popularity peaked when "Gauntynory" reached 87th in the UK charts. Gaunts time at the BBC came to an end after he worked in a story about immigrants to the UK deserving the death penalty into his show under the working title "Gaunt's Kampf"
[edit] talkSport
Suffice to say Gaunts racist exploits at the BBC earned him legendary status in some areas of the UK, the National Front voted him their Bigot of the year 1999 and a year later Bigot of the century. The BNP were quick to align themselves to this new maverick of racist England and they offered him a slot on their radio station and propaganda machine talkSport. Gaunt was an instant hit, he had white van men across the country nodding their heads in unison like a giant Churchill's Insurance dog. The White Van Man became Gaunts key demographic, his lewd views appealed to them sexually whilst his narrow minded approach to life satisfied them intellectually. The high frequency of his voice actually strengthened the talkSPORT signal 10 fold meaning for the first time in their history they could be heard outside of a two mile radius from the BNP HQ.
Eventually paedophiles and rapists became part of his wider audience after Gaunt began a campaign to make it legal to rape and abuse immigrants. No stranger to perversion himself Gaunt felt an instant kinship with his new audience but things were not going well behind the scenes — viewing figures were tumbling, even long time listner Ian Huntley had turned off his wireless in favour of Jeremy Kyle on ITV. Gaunt had to hit back and hit back he did — A nationwide tour of British prisons was scheduled for 2007. Gaunt traveled from prison to prison using his unique squealing voice to distract prisoners from their daily activities of beatings and rough anal sex. Free radios were given out by Gaunt throughout his tour, in a clever ratings boosting ploy Gaunt himself spent hours soldering each radios tuner to the exact frequency of talkSPORT. The tour was a success, ratings went up 1%.
Gaunt remains on talkSPORT to this day although his show no longer accepts calls, it has become somewhat of a monologue akin to the Vagina Monologues, some have taken to calling it the Penis Monologues although this may relate to the presenter himself rather than the show content. At this time there are no plans for a West End show....
[edit] Current Activities
Gaunt currently holds the title of Obersturmbannführer in the BNP, and regularly holds fundraising orgies for the party — guests at his last "Aryan Gang-Bang" are said to have included Richard Littlejohn, Nick Griffin, Mark Wain (white supremacist, BNP footsoldier and leader of the BNP's Griffin Youth), and Jim Davidson, all taking turns on white supremacist ballet dancer Simone Clark. Once a week a page appears in the right-wing British comic The Sun with Gaunt's tainted name and hideous face at the top, although the column's content is believed to be written by a 5-year old ape with half a brain and no nob.
He was arrested in June 2006 for bestiality after it was reported that he had forced a badger to drink whiskey and smoke heroin before having his wicked way with it. However, all charges were later dropped as he was found to be drunk on pies when the event in question took place. On his release from Broadmoor prison he told reporters, "There's no justice in this bloody country anymore! We've got the bloody immigrants to thank for that! That badger was a known illegal: it's PC gone mad".
When walking the streets he is often mistaken for a taxi driver due to his pot belly, so-squeaky-it-could-kill-a-cat voice, and "cor blimey guv" style rants. He has attempted to disguise this by wearing a cheap suit and boasting about sending his children to a public school — so much for representing the common man.
His favourite activities are said to include beating women, shooting poor people, torturing immigrants, and immediately regarding anyone who disagrees with him as "stupid". His eldest daughter is said to give "The best damn blowjobs in the land", according to a survey of 7000 public schoolboys and Hurrah Henry's that Gaunt makes his family socialise with in his desperate bid to claw his way up the class ladder.
BNP Publishing INC last week announced the release of his latest literary offering: 'Not Fat, Just Big Boned'. Details released so far suggest it details his ongoing battle with obesity with special attention paid to the blame he apportions to immigrants — Indian immigrants to be exact and the curse of the Balti Pie they have inflicted upon him.
A preview cover of Gaunts latest book
