Jonas Holmquist
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| Jonas Holmquist | |
|---|---|
| |
| Occupation | God |
| Date Of Birth | February 16th |
| Place Of Birth | Denmark |
| Wife | Mary Magdalene |
| Favorite Band | Megadeth |
Jonas Holmquist (1990) is a Danish True Metal Bassist, Radio Host, Mathematician and Philosopher. He is known as John Ass to his fans, and is widely regarded for his awe-inspiring bass solos and striking poetry.
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[edit] Early Years
Jonas Holmquist was born in Stairwell Hospital on February 16. 1990. He was allegedly born playing an amazing chord progression on his umbillical chord, which sounded so awesome the doctor's head exploded into a million tiny My Little Ponies.
At the age of 0 Jonas was taught bass by Cliff Burton, John Myung, Mark King, Les Claypool and John Entwistle all at the same time, and after only 20 minutes he could play so well they all gave up on their lives and comitted suicide.
At the age of 3, Jonas was attacked by a rogue squadron of hulk-mutant scuba ninja shark lions, but before they could even get close to him, he played a slap solo so hardcore the un-amplified bass put out so many decibels the rogue squadron of hulk-mutant scuba ninja shark lions' intenstines exploded. He recieved an award from Ibi Støvring for his bravery.
At age 6, he discovered the heavy metal band Metallica due to running into Lars Ulrich at a Seven-Elleven in Stairwell where he was trying to buy a bottle of orange juice, and the moment he saw Lars Ulrich he boiled over with rage due to him abandoning his home country to go to America to play with Metallica, and also because Jonas hates orange juice. He released a banshee shriek that reverberated through all of Bosnia, and proceeded to play a bass solo so hardcore that Lars' face melted.
At age 7, a random passerby asked Jonas why he did the things he did. He promptly answered "Killing is my business.... And business is good!" He then stabbed the pedestrian through the heart with his bass guitar.
At age 8, he promptly joined the Heavy Metal band Megadeth, but left a few minutes later because he was just too damn fast and he made Dave Mustaine cry.
At age 9, he simultaneously studied philosophy, mathematics and radio hosting and graduated with a bachelor degree in 42 seconds. He then proceeded to dig up Niels Bohr, a danish atomic physician, and proceeded to eat him. This made him so depressed he wrote a 562365 page poem about corn fields and his love for cheap beer from Spar, which earnt him 7000 Nobel Peace Prizes and one Emmy, even though it wasn't a TV Series, but just because it was so awesome the Emmy's thought up a special award specifically for Jonas. He wins this award every year. In the year 2003 Sonny Bono tried to win it, but Jonas called him a douche and he went home and cried.
At age 13, he joined a boyband, played a bass solo so hardcore the rest of the members melted, and then proceeded to go into puberty and get 9000 girlfriends. It was all a part of a plan to eradicate the world of boybands, and get poon-tang. His plan has to this day almost succeeded completely.
[edit] Currently
On June 2. Jonas had a bad beef sandwich. He responded by eradicating the world of cows so the people who made it went out of business. Then he laughed.
On June 3. Jonas punched out Robert Trujillo for being a punk, looking like a retard, acting like a monkey, and not being able to play bass solos for shit.
Last thursday, he went back in time and forced everyone in the 80's to shave their eyebrows.
In 1365, he met some ginger kid with a Rammstein beanie who wouldn't share his candy because he was mean. And I emphasize the "was".
[edit] Equipment
Jonas plays a Fender Yamaha Dean Ibanez Warwick Gibson Traben Cort 19-string Jonas Holmquist custom bass with 14 pickups, whereas three are on the head of the bass. He plays using a Jonas Holmquist Custom Mesa Boogie Marshall Custom x Amp, made of diamonds, kryptonite and the skulls of all the former kings of Scotland. The amp has three settings: Fucking Awesome, Double Fuckly Awesome and Holy Dick Fuck Shit mode. The last time he played in Holy Dick Fuck Shit mode, Ulrik Larsen was never found.
