Jonathan Ross
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“A wivetting womantic comedy which weally wedefined and wevolutionised Wobert Wedford's caweer”
~ Jonathan Ross on a film
“I wank him highly!”
~ Biggus Dickus on Jonathan Ross
“Bloody 'ell, he looks a bit like me, doesn't he?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Jonathan Ross
“FUCK YOU!!!”
~ R on Jonathan Ross
Jonathan Woss is a weally good film weviewer, wadio and TV show host. Weally, most people wemember him for his TV show Fwiday Night with Jonathan Woss.
He was born in a cave in 1647 to a family from the 'No R Tribe'. It is strictly against their weligion to pronounce 'R's, under the threat of death (although no-one actually knows why). So a terrified Mr Woss has spent his entire life in constant fear of making the dreaded 'R' sound, or else. When asked about this, Woss said 'It's a widiculous witual weally, a wight load of old weligious wubbish but I weally don't want to wisk wuining my life over it. It's weally scawy'
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[edit] Early Caweer
Before he became a well-known film critic and chat show host, Mr Woss first had a job as a wefewee at boxing matches. But this was short-lived and he was quickly forced to abandon it as every time he tried to announce a fight with the words 'Let's get Weady to Wumble!!', everyone in the crowd would fall into uncontrollable fits of hysterical laughter and the event had to be cancelled.
He then went on to become a went boy for a few years, on the instruction of his mother. He claimed this was fulfilling a 'lifelong dweam' and hoped to 'have more cock than Bernard Matthews'. He did.
In fact it was through several sexual favours for Michael Parkinson (his no.1 client for many years) that Jonathan finally managed to get his big bweak at the BBC in 1981. BBC actually stands for 'Bum Bandit Community' and is known for offering lucrative contracts to those most willing to bugger their way to the top. Everyone at the BBC has had sex with each other at one time.
Jonathan first appeared as a regular panellist on They Wank It All Over, starring along side Nick Hand-on-cock and Rory McPieChart. The winner was the one who could climax the quickest whilst simultaneously answering questions about sport. After always losing (no-one could compete with Rory's mighty thrusts), Jonathan gave up and decided to start his own programme so that he could masturbate with his guests at his own leisure and with no time restrictions.
[edit] Notable Facts
In 1912 he lost his (bum) virginity to Ian Hislop, and the pair have been inseparable ever since. However there were wumours going around at the time that Jonathan was having an affair with Ricky Gervais after the pair were seen canoodling on various TV programmes, but he angrily denied this, saying 'Wubbish. We're just weally good fwiends'. He mawwied Ian in 1939 and they have two children, John and John.
Jonathan is currently pwegnant with a third child, who is due to be a girl. They are also going to call her John.
He appeared with Woland Wivwon on the Last Wesort chat show. However Wivwon was swiftly sacked after Jonathan accused him of making up his own name for the primary purpose of making Woss look stupid. "Woland Wivwon? WOLAND FUCKING WIVWON?!?" Jonathan was quoted as saying, "What kind of wetarded widiculous kind of name is that? You can't sewiously be for weal?! Are you twying to make me look like some kind of cunt?" they then got into a fist-fight which lasted 32 days.
His favourite music genres are Wap and Wock 'n' Woll.
His favourite TV progwammes are Weady Steady Cook, Woland's Wat Wace and The Wuth Wendell Mystewies.
He has 15 homosexual slaves, all called John. He keeps them locked in his basement.
One of his homosexual slaves once embawwassed him by intewwupting a live performance [1]
In 1971, during a vicious turf war with the No 'S' Tribe (a bunch of people with lisps led by Toyah Wilcox), Jonathan was too much of a pansy to fight and got scared. Instead, he went and hid up Dawn French's uterus for a number of years until it was safe to come out again. Even today he still goes there for the occasional holiday.
His hobbies include kicking away blind people's walking sticks, vomitting, cutting the grass with his teeth and running over old ladies.
[edit] Fashion Sense
Part of the twadition of Jonathan's twibe is that they must wear garments that are completely widiculous and step dangerously close to the mark of gayness. Jonathan is no exception to this and has faithfully continued the twadition on to this day.
When questioned on his opinions of Jonathan's clothing tastes, Dale Winton was recently quoted as saying 'Oh why it's just faaaaaaab-ulous. I'd bum him silly'. Indeed many high-profile celebrities have made no secret of their love of Jonathan's unusual apparel, including the well-known gay porn star Terry Wogan who was notorious for getting an uncontrollable erection whenever Jonathan interviewed him.
This became a huge embarrassment for the producers at the BBC who received endless complaints from 100,000 identical old women with curly hair. Eventually the humiliation was too much for the station (hey, that rhymed!) and Wogan was promptly assassinated in 1952 by Ronnie Corbett.
Jonathan claims his choice of clothes are purely down to individual taste and he had no intention of looking like 'such a big gay'. But he was still flattered by the amount of male attention he was getting anyway and shows no sign of changing his ways.
[edit] OK, so this whole 'R' joke is getting a bit shit now
Later on in Jonathan's life, he was getting weally fed up with being made a figure of widicule all the time, and decided he could take it no longer. He even threatened to 'play Wussian Woulette with a fully-loaded wevolver'. W..... oh, hang on a minute.
“Look, this whole 'joke' is weally getting tiresome now. It's not funny, its just bloody childish.”
~ Jonathan Ross on this rather worn-out joke
“Oh.. come on, lighten up. It's only a bit of fun”
~ Uncyclopaedia on Jonathan Ross
“Fuck off.”
~ Jonathan Ross on Uncyclopaedia
