Jose Mourinho

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“Football is like working in the garden, if you wear no pants people will see you and laugh but when they see your garden growing nicely they will start saying that gardening without pants is unfair”

~ Mourinho on his managerial techniques

“I'm the best. I'm the bestest best. I'm the best of the best. There is nobody better than me yet I still can't figure out why I get called big-headed all the time”

~ Mourinho on being the best

“What the hell? Who does this guy think he is? I'll roundhouse kick his ass!”

~ Chuck Norris on the previous quote

“Mourinho thinks he is the best”

~ Captain Obvious on Mourinho being the best

"Zis is my favourite shexual position, no?" (Mourinho, shortly before leaving Chelsea over an argument over the size of John Terry's penis)

José Mourinho was born on 17th August 1902, and is the product of a sexual encounter between Ronnie Corbett and a Portuguese gyppo with syphilis. He is often mistaken to be Portuguese, when in fact, he was born and raised in Croydon. Every week he bums John Terry, so he can perform well, He also threatens to rape referees if crucial decisions don't go his way. A prime example being the Liverpool v Chelsea match in August 2007 in which referee Rob Styles awarded Chelsea a penalty, which never was of course. You could clearly see after Lampard scored the penalty that Styles let out a breath of relief, knowing he wouldn't have to be bummed by the worlds biggest whore. He plays sado-maso sexual practices with his wife, where he is the submiss part, and consequently does the same to his football team players.

[edit] The Arsene Wenger War

The lovable Portuguese rogue had a fued with the Arsenal manager, Arsene Wenger, after Mourinho called him a sick voyuer who likes to spy on Chelsea. Arsene retaliates by using one of Mourinho's special techniques known as "WTFOMGBBQ talk". Wenger simply said "if I am a voyeur, why does your team wear blue and why are you gay? If they wore nothing, then it is only because you take away their pants" To which Mourinho replied "That is because when the blanket is smaller than the player, you need to get your grandma to knit bigger clothes for you, or else the fans will want to be naked too". To which the world replied "yeah,but my dick is 20inch,so pwned"

[edit] Career

Mourinho started out as a left-back for Ebbsfleet United, where he gained the affectionate nickname "That Portuguese bastard". Details of the origins of this nickname are sketchy. Many people believed it came about because of him being an illegtimate offspring of unmarried parents, however when Ebbsfleet fans where questioned on how he got his nickname, they replied "because he's a twat". Fair enough.

After Jose's non-eventful footballing career, Bobby Robson appointed him rent boy of FC Porto. He soon left, saying the job was "a bit of a handful".

Mourinho then went on to "manage" several Portuguese first division clubs. His first stop was Benfica. Jose did a decent job, and thrashed rivals Sporting Lesbian 3-0, however a nasty man took over the club, and replaced him with a bloke called Toni. Gutting. He then took over at União de Leiria, a mediocre mid-table club, and actually did quite well, reaching the giddy heights of 4th place. This attracted the attention of FC Porto where he became manager and led them to victory in the Champions League, which is a money-driven farce of a competition designed to make rich European clubs even richer. Mourinho was then offered the managerial position at Chelsea by some Russian with a load of cash.

On January 15, 2007 Mourinho won the Golden Globe for Best Actor in a Drama series, for the leading role in "The Special One, after receiving the award he accused Arsène Wenger and Alex Ferguson of not being 'special' enough. He also got quite teary eyed when speaking about the lack of funds available at Chelsea and dedicated the award to all clubs striving for success with little or no money, like Chelsea. After the award show he was seen speaking to Tom Cruise, and asked about it afterwards he said he was there to recruit for Chelsea. He said that Tom was in top physical condition, had experience from acting and accustomed to receiving ridiculously large pay checks, which are the three most important attributes for modern day Chelsea players. He also rclaims referees play with tackle

[edit] Life at Chelski

Jose began his tenure at Chelsea by announcing that he was a pro-nazi. He also said some bollocks about being special or something. Jose put together a team of talented individuals, and Didier 'i like to dive' Drogba now officially known as DIDIER 'DOG-BRA',Andriy '30 odd million waste of money' Shevchenko, and Michael 'i hate the english' Ballack, and instructed them to dive, grind out results and play as boring as possible. Wait a minute, I'm not supposed to be typing factual stuff here, am I? Mourinho also developed a tendency to blow large amounts Roman 'i got all my money from selling stolen oil'Abramovich's money on players who he either didn't intend to play (Shaun Wright-Phillips), or on players who were well past their best (Shevchenko, anyone?). Mourinho has been successful in his time at Chelsea, and has so far won 2 Premiership titles, one FA Cup and twoLeague Cup. But he got to start winning Liverpool in the Champions League to become more sucessful.

Sadly this won't happen as he left Chelsea today 19-09-2007, but not before his unsuccessful attempt to make Micheal Ballack into a real human boy. Sources say that involved hard and sloppy penetration.

He has been linked with many other jobs since leaving, including accountant, financial consultant, and professional cunt.

[edit] Personal Life

John Terry's sex wee was just a bit too bitter at times

Mourinho recently announced his engagement to Chelsea captain John Terry much to the disbelief of his ex-wife Frank Lampard. Civil Partnerships are wonderful things, aren't they?

Not much is known about Mourinho's personal life, and we didn't gain much from that awful American Express advert.

What is known however, is that he collects figs, is an avid Beano reader, and he has abducted a total of 8 children. He strenuously denies being a paedophile.

He has great sympathy for Iain Dowie and famously said, "I'd loan him my face if I could. Poor bloke."

Oh yeah, and he partakes in kitten huffing. Who doesn't?

Was caught prancing around his house hoovering while wearing his wife's lingerie

Decides that the only way he'll get the Chelsea players attention is if he talks to them bollock naked.

Questioned by police after importing a Portuguese dog into the country without going into quarantine. Ricardo Carvalho was eventually allowed to stay at Chelski after negotiations.

Was caught "playing" with a mobile phone with Cashley Cole.

He is also called the special one, because he is the only man who had sexual relationship with Bill Clinton and John Terry whi;st he was buming Motty.

He also would wear pink Mickie Mouse panties worn by Rosie O'Donnell during every match because he thought that was lucky which is obviously not.

[edit] Megson and Mouriniho

megson shared many treasured moments as a friend to jose and due to the success of gary's management he was compared to jose. Fans called him ginger mouriniho as he was compared to him for having several classes on management due to his terrible career with mouriniho. jose has fell down the pecking order for management jobs and is currently unemployed due to the fact eveyone wants meggo