Joseph Haydn

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“I have nothing to declare except WAR ON AUSTRIA”

~ Oscar Wilde on War on Austria

“His string quartets are better than mine? Well ya know what? I'm deaf. So I think it's pretty damn good that I composed so much as a scherzo, not to mention NEARLY TEN SYMPHONIES, AN OPERA, 32 PIANO SONATAS AND A SHITLOAD OF OTHER CRAP I DON'T FEEL LIKE BRAGGING ABOUT.”

~ Ludwig van Beethoven on jealousy of Haydn

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Joseph Haydn.

1 Early Achievements
2 Works
3 Life
4 Trivia
5 See also

[edit] Early Achievements

Writing a Salve Regina in twelve parts
Inventing the didgeridoo and the synthesizer
Becoming an expert sight-reader, singer, and player of the clavier, violin, and organ
Learning to make his voice shake (trill) when bribed with cherries that were ‘’not’’ genetically engineered
Narrowly avoiding castration

Mike Franz Joseph Ferdinand Prometheus Luxury-Yacht Xavier Bach Haydn (1732-1809)was a German or Austrian composer, hobgoblin and practical-joker who was very popular in 18th century Vienna. He was the only son of Johann Sebastian Bach who changed his last name in order to find better luck in the music business. Haydn fathered over one hundred symphonies. Before, symphonies were orphans. Some of these include:

[edit] Works

Symphony No. 2.573, "Now let's go on to something ruder" (1762)

Symphony No. 13, "Wankel rotary engine" (1762)

Symphony No. 22, "Chamber Pot" (1764)

Symphony No. 39, "Maritza" (1766)

Symphony No. 44, "Nightmare" (1770)

Symphony No. 45, "Matches" (1772)

Symphony No. 59, "Firemen" (before 1769)

Symphony No. 70, "Firecracker"(1779)

Symphony No. 82, "The Hen" (1786)

Symphony No. 88 "Oxfordton" (1787)

Symphony No. 92, "Monkey Business" (1789)

Symphony No. 94, "Surprise! Surprise!" (1791)

Symphony No. 96 "Mozart's dead! How terrible. It shall be named miracle." (1791)

Symphony No. 98 attributed to his brother, Mitch.(1792)

Symphony No. 100, "Aereal" (1794)

Symphony No. 101, "The Witch" (1794)

Symphony No. 102 "Ugly Duckling"(1795)

Symphony No. 103, "Hangover" (1795)

Symphony No. 104, "Live at London" (1795)

[edit] Life

Franz Joseph Haydn, a prolific Austrian composer and inventor of rice, was born in 1734 to Mathias Haydn, a wheelwright that took evening classes in espionage. At an early age, Joseph showed a deep passion for music and ~~those Damn Fundamentalist Christians~~ the righteous religion of Catholicism. Though his mother wished for him to become a priest (as ~~corporate lobbyists society’s inability to use logic to create another explanation of their ontology~~ virtuous and devout individuals framed a society in which the clergy was educated in various subjects for ~~a lifetime of service~~ free), he instead became a chorister in a medieval church, then St. Stephan’s Cathedral.

He composed a total of six hundred symphonies, but most of them were lost in fires, floods, marketplaces, etc. Some where even used as toilet paper and are now in roughly the same place as Johann Sebastian Bach's music that was used to pack fish.

It is said (citation needed) that he was one of the promoters of the infamous plot to murder Mozart, but later backed out because of he found out the conspiracy wasn't just a practical joke. At the turn of the century, Haydn grew old and stopped composing. His sense of humor turned sour and he began to write a column in which he trashed Vienna's new composers, including the Second Viennese School. He decided to stop composing music altogether shortly after his death in 1809.