Joseph Smith

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Joseph Smith, affectionately known as "Uncle Joe,"(born Smith "Smithy" Smith) also known as Joseph Stalins (Heath's grandfather) was the founder of the Mormon Church. He is also considered a founder of Prosperity Wicca. He has been known to have written many Mexican Nationalism books, which later influence Mauro. In it's http://savescrappy.blogspot.com/ Moron] form, Prosperity Wicca has been described as "Right wing, patriarchal neo-paganism with an extremely thin Christian veneer." Since the introduction of Properity Wicca, his fanbase in the Klingon Death Metal subculture has rapidly declined. Joseph Stalins sold the plates on Ebay for roughly 14 million otter pelts.(30 large) but before he sold them, he used them to get superpowers(much like the mummy from that movie). Fidel Castro bought them and used them to gain immortality (the only reason he is still alive). Osama then gave Fidel one hundred camels for the plates. Osama used them to make himself invisible. Michael Jackson used them in the 90's to turn himself white. The plates are currently for sale on Overstock.com for about 14 bucks.

After Smith was finished giving pleasure, the Angel gave Smith the Book of Mormon.

Joseph used his extensive knowledge of manual dishwashers to found his new religion, a faith which, as it turns out, has a great deal in common with Amway except that, while Amway promotes multi-level marketing in a fairly small, timebound way, Mormonism's MLM scheme operates on a COSMIC scale. In fact, Smith doesn't actually exist, rather he is just a blob of motherfucking truth injected with molten ink. This explains his technique for writing the Book of Mormon by simply bleeding over binder paper and stapling it together. It is also known that Joseph Smith found all his inspiration by finding the books of Ramtha, a 100% true entity that existed 35,000 years ago, who has appeared throughout history to influence the best and the brightest. Her greatest book "How To Dupe Idiots Into Following Your Bogus Ass Cult" has become THE most influential book of any time.

1 The Early Years
2 Trivia
3 Sex
4 See also
5 External Links

[edit] The Early Years

After many adventures, Smith was killed in Illinois by an army of mobbers dressed like Indians and speaking a unique language known as "Southern Prick Speech". This "Southern Prick Speech" continues to this day where Baptist preachers tell their congregation that Mormons are deer-horned fire-spewing liberal-voting war-hating jerks and the faithful must show their devotion to God by standing around in Utah holding stupid signs. Southerners have since stopped short of murdering Mormons and simply shut their ears and yell "LA LA LA LA" when the Mormon missionaries come around.

After Smith's death, the Mormon Church split into a couple of factions. The larger faction, led by Brigham Young, moved to what is now Utah and created Zion, the Mormon paradise. The other faction reorganized itself and moved to Missouri. Now known as the "Community of Christ," it has degenerated into nothing more than the Mormon version of the United Church of Christ. For people who have been recently introduced to this so-called religion, it is recommended that you stay current with the most updated release of the Holy Scriptures: version 3.2. Oprah will be signing copies of these books on her "Mormonism Gone Wild" tour in Jerusalem next Tuesday.

The Mormon article (q.v.: that's a fancy way of saying "see also"} states that Joseph Smith's last words were "I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue." More recent research, however, indicates that his last words were, in fact, "Is there no help for the Widow's Son? Brigham, deploy the gatling gun. Goddamn that hurt! I sure could use a drink right now."

Joseph Smith was one of the major influences in L Ron Hubbards life and boy did L Ron learn quickly how to fuck with people's minds.

Dumb da dumb da dumb dumb dumb, dumb dumb, dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb!

[edit] Trivia

Trivia sections are ridiculous and unbelievable!

The article could be improved by reading it upside-down, or something, I dunno. Did you know it's impossible to lick your own elbow? Unless you're some kind of freak.

Joseph Smith Invented Fudge Packing

Was present during the attack on Pearl Harbor holding a hotdog and a copy of Pearl harbour grand prix smothered in mustard.

Had well over sixty nine wives, most of them were younger than eight years old, yet in Joseph's eyes perfectly ripe for the taking.

Joseph taught that there are people who live on the moon that dress like Quakers and live to be 1,000 years old.

The most common last name is Smith. The reason being, Smith was also the founder of Ecstasy. Smith did not believe in condoms, or women over 14.

Joseph Smith was called a prophet, dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb.

Joseph Smith was seen during the September 11 attack of the World Trade Center holding a pizza with cheese toppings.

[edit] Sex

In Mormonism women are only allowed to have sex with Joseph Smith. Having gotten aroused during his brief encounter with Oscar Wilde, Smith went balls-out to prove his masculinity as a poontang magnet.

Mormon women are to call him 5 hours ahead of time so he can swallow a huge quanity of viagra and masturbate for 4 1/2 hours just so his penis can become erect. After this 5 hour process his penis finally become erects (1 inch high) and the woman is allowed to have sex with him.

However sexual intercourse with him is extremely unpleasurable because of his age and his lack of experience.