Joshua A. Norton
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“The terrorists have won. Are you happy now?”
~ George W. Bush on facts
Joshua A. Norton, better known as Emperor Norton I, fourth Emperor of America, was one of many dictators to walk the Earth in the notorious 19th century. His influence was recognized throughout the states, and he successfully ruled nearly three halves of the entire globe (whether they knew it or not).
Norton never died, he was simply stabbed one night and people assumed the worst. Most people claim to be Norton's long-lost-son or daughter and are met with disbelief, when in fact they probably are.
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[edit] His Life
Norton wasn't born an emperor. Contrary to popular belief, Norton was born princess of Egypt before taking his true position. The distraught natives of the early 1800's never realized his was a man until seeing him use the bathroom one day (the wall was broken, it really was a breach of privacy) and promoting him to prince. Norton didn't realize, however, that the position of Prince of Egypt also involved taking on the duties of a Mohel, which were less than attractive.
Norton fled Egypt, and spent the next ten years of his life selling off his possessions while hitchhiking across America. He spent three of these years as a jackass. He retired when it was determined that he had bribed the IMDC prior to his audition.
[edit] His Rise (of terror)
Norton also happened to make an anti-Human program, which he named after himself. He found himself in San Francisco, Cahlifohnia with a loyal following of thousands that had been setting up conventions every year as they secretly tracked his every action. The eleventh was the final Nortoncon, celebrating the final arrival of their leader, whom they obsessed over.
During the convention, Norton grew so tired of his many fans that he rounded them up and slaughtered them all with one flick of his wrist. With this one flick, he motioned to his bodygaurds, who did all the work for him. With that, he sailed to England, where he assassinated the reigning Emperor of America, Brunel I, then sailed back to America to be anointed the new Emperor by Chief Justice Roger B. Taney.
[edit] His Reign (of terror)
Emperor Norton I was, and always shall be, a jackass.
Norton's reign was one of unprecedented war and terror, brought about by his noted collection of hats, his commitment to racial hate and his willingness to personally educate raging mobs how very easy it was to not betray their neighbors, an approach of such simplistic idiocy that it has never been repeated by another reigning monarch.
Norton, however, eventually grew popular, though he was still feared and hated by some. Towards the end of his reign, he cracked down more on dissidents, which may have led to his rather untimely death.
[edit] His Deaths
On January 8, 1880, the Emperor and his wife Minnie Rae, a former prostitute known as "The Little Countess," were on their way to a state banquet for the birthday of King Elvis Presley. According to a report in the January 9, 1880 issue of "Emperor Norton Utilities," an assassin wearing a pineapple mask leapt out from behind a streetlamp and stabbed Norton in the chest. This killed him instantly. A fierce mob formed and viciously attacked the murderer, ripping him to pieces; as such, it was believed the identity of the Emperor's killer will never truly be known.
At the opening of his will, it was found that his heir was to be the four-year-old son of an English brewer; as such, he was raised to follow the esoteric footsteps of the late Emperor, eventually founding his own religion. This fifth Emperor's name was Aleister Crowley.
Norton's body was reportedly laid to rest five days later, buried within a lead casket in the San Francisco Bay. Thus ended the glorious reign of America's fourth Emperor.
However, recent evidence has come to light that the Emperor may not have been assassinated after all. While he did lose an arm in the attack, he and Minnie Rae may have escaped and gone to Neverland. To stay in hiding, the former hooker Minnie Rae changed her name to Wendy, and former pimp Emperor Norton changed his to Captain Hook. They were there joined by Michael Jackson, under the name of the boy who would never grow up, Peter Pan. Unfortunately, Peter, who was married to the Lost Boy Band, became increasing jealous, and plotted to kill Captain Hook and take Wendy to be both his mother and wife. Tragically, Peter Pan and the Boy Band eventually succeeded, and infected Emperor Norton with a fatal virus. Hook's body was reportedly laid to rest five days later, buried within a lead casket in Kensington Garden. Thus ended the glorious reign of Neverland's Hook.
Requiescat in pace!
[edit] See Also
- Emperor of Mankind
- Isambard Kingdom Brunel
- Aleister Crowley
- Edward Norton
- Brian Jones
- Lyndon B. Johnson
- Minnie Rae
| Preceded by: Isambard Kingdom Brunel | Fourth Emperor of the United States September 17, 1859 – January 8, 1880 | Succeeded by: Aleister Crowley |
