Juan Pablo Montoya
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“NASCAR is the new Formula One and Juan Pablo Montoya is the Latino version of Kyle Petty”
“Juan Pablo Montoya gives me a hard on ”
~ Scott "The Fru-it" Pruett
“I want Juan to be the hotdog in my bun ”
“I like to do Juan Pablo Montoya's brake rotor. ”
~ Connor Allen
“Well, lookee thar! Some spic boy trying to ruff them up, I don't like the sounds of this..Everybody grab a pitch fork, we're going hunting. ”
~ Redneck
“Here, greaseball greaseball. Here, greaseball greaseball. ”
~ the Taco Bell dog
Juan Pablo 'the guy who isn't white Protestant' Montoya is an illegal Latino immigrant who happens to own a five-star restaurant in Farmers Branch, Texas. Montoya insists that George W. Bush learns to speak Spanish when visiting his millionaire's crack house in Miami, Florida (purchased from a certain Mr. Tommy Vercetti on September 10, 2001). He likes his mother, I Love Lucy, Christianity, Colombian crack and Colombian coffee (for which he simply calls 'caw-feeee').
After leaving the McDonald's racing team in the middle of 2006, Juan entered the Bush (now called the Notion Wide) series of NASCAR. Much to his surprise, his excellent racing skills were discovered to be crazy enough good enough to take him to the highest level, where he gets to race alongside the rednecks who consider him as the "brother" that they couldn't have because he wasn't already "in the family." The only places where Juan Pablo Montoya is a hero are Japan, any Spanish speaking country, and by illegal immigrants who are seeking the Great American Dream (as seen on Lifetime, television for women). Despite his Super Famicom Juan Pablo Montoya's No Fear Racing only selling 250 copies in Japan, Montoya remains as a hero to Japanese drivers everywhere who have to fight through Tokyo's rush hour traffic to get home to their trophy wives and children that look like Sailor Moon and anime characters.
Montoya is married to Dora the Explorer, who cooks Taco Bell cuisine for her husband after every race. They have three sons, Rey Mysterio, the Spanish announcer that always does those fútbol football soccer matches on Gol TV, and George the Explorer who is a caveman. In his free time he is enjoys blogging about professional wrestling, which he insists is a real sport. Montoya is currently a full time racer on the Potato Chip Grease racing team, where he learned to release his inner redneck and become one with the beer. When Teddy Ruxpin bought 50% of the team, the name changed to Potato Chip Grease Racing With Foreigners. By foreigners, they mean anyone who wasn't born in the United States or Canada.
CONSUMER ALERT: Please do not buy Juan Pablo Montoya gear from triple w dot NASCAR dot com. It was all made in sweatshops that were funded by blood diamond money and crack cocaine money. Boycott Juan Pablo Montoya gear today. You will be saving children's lives in Colombia by not ordering Juan Pablo Montoya merchandise. If you accidentally purchased Juan Pablo Montoya gear, just call 1-900-MONTOYA, and you will hear Juan Pablo Montoya doing his warrior cry because it's his money now and not yours. The call costs $1.50 per second and. Also the, caller must be 81 years old or have permission from whoever makes the most money in the household. If you make the most money in your house, consult your local Tarot reader before calling.
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[edit] Career
[edit] 2007
Juan's first racing gig of 2007 involved him driving a race car for 24 hours straight with his teammate Duran Duran. This extremely long and boring practice exciting session was an actually an unsanctioned race against John Andretti. After the race, Andretti got a carburetor stuffed down his lungs by Montoya afterwards for being a drunken loser. Duran Duran eventually did the post-game entertainment show; with free beer for anyone who spoke to the bartender in Spanish without using a word of English.
At the 2007 running of the Daytona 500, Mr. Montoya was stopped by some INS agents. They asked for a Mr. Juan Pablo Montoya and when he pitted at the 200th lap, they had "confidential government information" that the only dirt racing Mr. Montoya had done was smuggling drugs through Central America, and that he was in the country illegally. However, after showing them his passport, a $100 Wal-Mart gift card, and a bribe that consists of a bible, a Playboy magazine, and a $500 gift certificate at Sears, the investigation was terminated and the government personally apologized to him (realizing that they made up everything just to avert media attention from that war in Iraq).
After winning the Bush series race in Mexico City, Juan Pablo found Prince Albert in a can and ran for dictator in British Columbia. Unfortunately, he lost the election and his racing has suffered recently. After doing badly at the race in Talladega, Juan was notified that he will never will a race in an oval track. While this upsetted Montoya at first, he realizes that Jeff Gordon will never win a road course, things returned back to normal and he went to his trailer to masturbate to Jennifer Lopez.
On June of 2007, Juan Pablo Montoya finally won his first NASCAR victory at Infinite Speedway in Silicon Valley, California. The rest of the summer was spent fending off death threats from Ricky Bobby and Darrell Waltrip, so he summoned the dark arts and created a television so that he would watch Pokemon. Meanwhile, his evil twin was making him lose races, so when Superman released him from the curse, they was no way to win the championship. Therefore, Montoya's goal for next year (2008) is to end the season in 13th place so that his little wife can make a trophy for him. That would be a big improvement from 2007 for him.
[edit] 2008
After being given award for being NASCAR's resident greaseball, wetback, and spic, Juan Pablo is focusing on eventually winning an oval track. He is training himself by playing Gran Turismo 4 and Pole Position. If he makes it to the top 12 this year, his wish would be to go to Walt Disney World and drive the Honda Civic at the Richard Petty Race Car Experience. At the Daytona 500 this year, he actually finished the race. He is expected to finish all 40 races this year while filming his new advertisements for Taco Bell, Tourism Mexico, Spike Lee's Nike sneaker commercials (featuring Air Juan Pablos), and the newest Batman movie all the same time. In the Batman movie, he plays the Joker while Heath Ledger does his voice from beyond the grave. Since Juan Pablo Montoya is a racer and not a "real celebrity," Heath Ledger would get the Oscar by default.
[edit] Juan Pablo Montoya's Personal Hell
Instead of Juan Pablo Montoya defecting to NASCAR, Kyle Busch defects to Formula One where he wins every championship until the end of time and Montoya has to witness Kyle Busch winning every Formula One race for the rest of eternity. In addition to this, Montoya always starts the race in last place and somehow always ends up worse than 10th place (which is like 30th place in NASCAR). The press ignores Montoya and speaking Spanish is punishable by automatic disqualification for two races every time he is caught speaking Spanish.
[edit] Strengths
- like fast cars (he's been to Formula 1)
- likes women
- like fast music
- likes to wreck other cars
- speaks decent English
- knows what one plus two plus negative three in both Spanish and English
- has three pet chupacabras
- weighs just a bit more than his NASCAR automobile
- likes to wreck other cars
- has a cool paint scheme
- likes to wreck more cars
[edit] Weaknesses
- can't drive American vehicles unless inside a track that turns left AND right
- refuses to vote Democratic
- he still says baseball as two words (base ball as opposed to baseball)
- applied to be a member of The Justice League of Jesus but was denied because he refused to accept English as the official language of the League
- he fights a lot with Jeff Gordon because he is the actual father of Ella Sofia Gordon (her actual name was Juanita Montoya-Explorer before social services took her away and Jeff Gordon adopted her)
- wrecks more cars
- is, as scientifically proven by Steve 'Arris of I, Ron Maiden, a miserable turd
Categories: F1 | NASCAR
