Jujutsu

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

“Ges-und-heit? Sounds like Nazi talk to me!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Jujutsu

“Jujutsu? I'm going to learn... Jujustu?”

~ Keanu Reeves on Jujutsu

“First i was affraid, i was petrified”

~ Gloria Gaynor on being confronted by a Rabbi

Jujutsu is the common wrong spelling for the word Jew Jitsu. It is an ancient art used to collect money from those around them. It is dissimilar to other Martial arts in that instead of collecting ki from the surroundings, they collect coins. Especially those of small value.

The actual techniques of Jew Jitsu are obscure and very shrouded in secrecy.

One of the only techniques confirmed to exist is the Jew claw. It was revealed to the public by Borat Sagdiyev.

Other fabled techniques include:

• The Jew parade/stampede, the jew summons a stampede of jews by dropping a coin of low value, and rolling it towards the enemy, the oncoming mob will kill the victim in pursuit of the coin.
• A Jew's nose is said to be a last resort weapon, hardened by years of money-sniffing, and sharpened by Jewish stinginess, it has the potential to be a lethal weapon.

[edit] Jew Jitsu Sessions

In a reluctant interview, well-known Jew, Mr Cohen (Jew-belt in Jew Jitsu) divulged information of the where-abouts of these Jew Jitsu practise sessions. Jew-belt masters of Jew Jitsu can teach up to eight padawans (also known as "lil' hob noses") at one time and they are usually taught in bank vaults where the Jews can accustome themselves to the sacred ways of the 'penny-follower'.

No further information was extracted from the interrogation, and the identity of Mr Cohen remains anonymous.

[edit] Origins of Jew Jitsu

Although no one really knows when Jew Jitsu was invented, the most likely of the theories is that a small group of Jews created it in Auschwitz during the fall of 1944 to defend themselves against Nazis. The original Jew-belt masters (in our terms Rabbis) knew it was dangerous to teach the Art of the Jew to other jews in the camps, so training was secretive. Before the "liberation" of Auschwitz by the communists, however, some of the "Jew Terror Cells" (as the Nazis came to call them) were discovered and a few of the Jew-belt masters were executed. Jew Jitsu spread quickly among surviving jews in europe after World War 2, but it didn't spread into western europe until a few jewish East Berlin jew-belt masters (and their jew padawans) escaped into West Berlin after the construction of the Berlin Wall. Jew jitsu flourished in the west, due to the free ways of capitalism allowing them to be one with the sacred ways of the 'penny-follower', but underwent hard times in the east, due to the monetary part of communism ideology.