Julius Cæsar
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“I'm 2 gods short of a trinity”
~ Julius Caesar on Julius Caesar
“I-a cannot-a stand-a this-a bad-a weather!”
~ Julius Caesar on the-a stupido Breeteesh-a weather
“Nonsense, Brvtvs and I are the best of chvms!”
~ Julius Caesar, moments before death
Julius "Brut-" Caesar (July 4, 100 BC – Thursday, March 15, 44 BC ), pronounced "Julius Kaiser" (yes really, the Germans got it right) is the Once and Future King of Rome. He was the son of one pretty rich motha a' and and another pretty rich motha ette. Needless to say, his early years were wracked with poverty. He would later state in his televised memoirs that his hardships as a youth were what enabled him to rise through the ranks to become yet another pretty rich motha a'.
After several years of traveling the Mediterranean having busts made of himself, he decided to settle down and become a humble King of Rome. This period was referred to as the climax of the Roman Empire, as Caesar perfected to concept of the discount and coined the term 'harlot'. Europe would never be the same.
On his way to the top of the social totem pole, he never failed to take advantage of an opportunity to make enemies. His knack for angering senators is epitomized in a quote of his, circa March 14; 'You can't please everyone, but you can piss off every last one of them, and when that happens, you get stabbed thirtysomething times and die a horrible, gruesome death.' Unfortunately, this gave certain Brutuses and Cassiuses ideas, and the next day he was stabbed thirtysomething times and died a horrible, gruesome death. The event (his gory, lengthy stabbing and subsequent puking of blood and explosive disembowelment) has been made into three major motion pictures.
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[edit] Caesar at War
[edit] Gaul
Perhaps Caesar's greatest legacy were his fantastic wars. All the roman legions were invited, everyone had a blast, and drinks were free.
"Well, ...", a drunken Caesar would begin every Saturday night, "we haven't slaughtered any Germanic tribesmen in ages. Howsabout we march the army out to Gaul and kill a few hundred of the damn hippies! We'll give them what-for, claim the region as our own, and tie it down with some of them whatchemacallits... aqueducts."
He meant to conquer Germany although sadly because he and the rest of the army were drunk they ended up in ancient Gaul a.k.a. France. Although Caesar tried to get back to Rome the Gauls would not stop surrendering; eventually killing each other over who could surrender first. This proud French tradition of surrendering to any foreign power that even looks at them started with a bunch of drunken Romans. That is how empires are forged.
[edit] Britain
Caesar started an invasion of Britain but after a few days of the horrible weather and having to endure the locals his army packed-up and went back to the continental mainland.
[edit] Civil War
Caesar decided to make his way back to Rome so he could strut around and make the senators "bow down and kiss the ring". Unfortunately, an old Roman law stated that no general could bring his armies with him into the province of Italy. Caesar, being a man of action had no time for these legal niceties; in a famous act he "crossed the Rubicon" into Italy with his army declaring as he did so "the die is cast". Eventually, his soldiers persuaded him to stop playing Risk and get on with playing cock of the wood in Rome.
The Roman senate met for an emergency session and Caesar was declared a turncoat, an amoral gangster, a traitorous cur, a most despicable and uncouth villain and other insults usually only seen in english-language North Korean government press-releases. Pompey the Great (so-named because of the Great size of his ass) wobbled to his feet and declared that he would raise and army and go to meet Caesar in battle. He left the city at the head of 10,000 men to the applause of the senators. After Caesar easily kicked his ass Pompey fled to Egypt hoping that the Ptolemy's would shelter him Caesar entered Rome at the head of 15,000 men and 2,000 prisoners to the applause of the senate. He was immediately voted into office as Dictator for Life.
[edit] Intervention in Egypt
Caesar wasn't the sort to sit around in Rome eating grapes and having boring old sex, though, he quickly jumped into a fast tireme and sailed to Alexandria in Egypt where he was told Pompey had escaped to. Pompey had made it to the desert kingdom looking for asylum but was instead punk'd by being stabbed to bits and having his head cut off. This severed head was presented to Caesar on his arrival in Alexandria but instead of being happy he got really angry! Some people! He also found the kingdom in the middle of a civil war between Queen Cleopatra and her teenage brother Ptolemy XIII. Caesar checked them both out before deciding that the Queen was the one he'd rather sleep with and joined her side leading to its inevitable victory. Caesar and Cleopatra became lovers producing a son and lots of stained linen and the Queen accompanied Caesar on his triumphant return to Rome.
[edit] Caesar at Peace
See: Caesar at War
[edit] Caesar at Home
Caesar's public image was very different from his private one. While in public he was a dashing, nude, self-confident ruler of the known world, once work hours were over he would often come home, slouch himself over a ratty old recliner, and watch re-runs on MTV. His wife, Calpurnia, was an opinionated black housekeeper from Maycomb, Alabama.
[edit] Caesar in bed
There's no two ways about it: Caesar loved cock and pussy in equal measure and he made sure he got plenty; indeed, Caesar enjoyed playing the skin flute so much that he had a cockarium installed in his private baths. His lovers included Cleopatra, Asterix, Slave Boy Number 7 and Constantius II. Asked to comment on his sex life he stated "I myself enjoy both snails and oysters".
[edit] Famous Quotes
- "Veni, vici, vomi"
- "Hi, Brutus! What's with the knife?"
- "Is that a dagger in my back or are you just happy to see me?"
- "It takes balls to be DickTater for Life"
- "This salad is pretty good."
- "The die has been cast, and I land on free parking bitches!"
- "Perhaps this dispute is best settled over a life-sized game of Risk"
- "I came, I saw, I played conkers."
- "I came, I saw, I'm pompous."
- "I came, I saw, I concurred."
- "I came, I saw, I wandered." (On donning of an Alzheimer's suit)
- "I came, I saw, I fondled."
- "I came, I saw, I came a cropper."
- "I came, I saw, I came again."
- "I came, I saw, I'm going to cum."
- "I saw, I conquered, I came."
- "I came."
- "Atchoo? Brute?"
- "Et tu, you utter !"
- "I called it shithole ... why did the English translation change it to Birmingham?"
[edit] Inventions
Caesar was a skilled inventonatorometite, and has many feathers in his hat when it comes to inventions.
- The Orange Julius- The emperor invented this after realizing that people were getting scurvy while watching events at the Colosseum.
- Caesar salad- This was invented after Octavius bet him that no one would eat a salad with anchovies in it.
- Caesar's Palace hotel and Wal Mart chain, in collaboration with Bugs Morgan.
[edit] The characters of Shakespeare's Julius Caesar Play
- Mark Antony-gay buddy of Caesar who talks a lot
- Marcus Brutus-dim witted senator who only talks and is wrong all the time who thinks he's the main character
- Julius Caesar himself-he doesn't listen to anybody and comes to the Capitol and gets hacked 33 times and later is the ghost in the play and meets Marcus Brutus at Philippi
- Caius Cassius-the lean and hungry-looking guy that is dangerous with an above average IQ in the play that does not speak his mind and caused the loss of his life
- Octavius Caesar-stepson and nephew of Caesar who is a kid who promises to avenge his uncle
- Lepidus-stupid messenger person for Octavius who doesn't help anyone
- Casca-guy who stabs Caesar first
- Cinna-conspirator who does nothing at all
- Cinna-poet who gets killed because of his name
- Calpurnia-lady who has bad dreams all the time and warns her husband who doesn't listen ever and gets killed
- Portia-one who swallows charcoal and gives that really really really long speech
- Lucius-random slave kid of Brutus
- Decius Brutus-guy who shares the last name with Marcus Brutus but not as famous and flatters Caesar with his gayness
- Pindarus-slave of Cassius that can't wait to kill his own master
- Titinius-guy who is not important
- Soothsayer-crazy guy who says "Beware the Ides of March" too many times
- Metellus Cimber- guy who wants his brother back for some reason
- Flavius and Murellus-two peoples who hate Caesar's guts and later get killed in Act I Scene ii
- Artimodorus-guy with a note
- Messala- "Ride Messala Ride" the main character in Act V Scene iv
[edit] See also
 | The complete works of William Shakespeare |
|---|---|
| Tragedies: | Romeo and Juliet | Macbeth | King Lear | Hamlet | Othello | Titus Andronicus | Titus Androgynous | Julius Caesar | Antony and Cleopatra | Coriolanus | Troilus and Cressida | Timon of Athens |
| Comedies: | A Midsummer Night's Dream | All's Well That Ends Well | As You Like It | Cymbeline | Love's Labour's Lost | Measure for Measure | The Merchant of Venice | The Merry Wives of Windsor | Much Ado About Nothing | Pericles, Prince of Tyre | Taming of the Shrew | The Comedy of Errors | The Tempest | Twelfth Night | The Two Gentlemen of Verona | The Two Noble Kinsmen | The Winter's Tale |
| Histories: | King John | Richard II | Henry IV, Part 1 | Henry IV, Part 2 | Henry V | Henry VI, part 1 | Henry VI, part 2 | Henry VI, part 3 | Richard III | Henry VIII |
| Poems and Sonnets: | Venus and Adonis | The Rape of Lucrece | The Passionate Pilgrim | The Phoenix and the Turtle | A Lover's Complaint |
