Julius Ceaser
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“Veni, vidi, venci, va-va-voom.”
~ Ceaser
“Et tu, Ceaser. Show me a man who can spell his own name and I'll show you a man who can't cash a check.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Julius Ceaser
Julius Ceaser is often shortened to J-Dog C to the E to the A to the S to the E to the R. Wait, thats not shortened!
Julius "Samuel L. Jackson" Ceaser (a.k.a. Lucius Leftfoot, Smiley, Undercover Mother and "The Family Jewels") pretended to be the first Roman emperor. The real emporer, Julius Cæsar, hired him as a buttock double because the two men had identical rumps. Julius Ceaser is known for his various good and bad deeds, and his terrible sense of humor. In later life Julius Caesar was given the name 'Pressey', meaning "a guy of whom one hell of a lot can be said".
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[edit] Rise to Power
Julius nipple idiot butthole Ceaser has born to a stinky family that lived in a poor village. Ceaser was tired of this weird position so he left his family and journeyed to Rome. He learned much about washing, joined the Grand Guild of Bath Attendants, and slowly plotted the takeover of the Roman Baths lol.
While Julius Cæsar used his power and beauty to seduce Cleopatra, Queen of Egypt, Julius Ceaser married an overweight German who worked as a crotch inspector (eew) at the Roman Baths. Her fellow bath workers didn't like this at all, so they tried to stick a bar of Ivory soap up his nose. He stopped them and later murdered them all with the help of his gang, the 'Roma pro Vita', in a series of drive-by linguini stranglings "(thats stupid). He replaced the bath attendants with his own people, mostly illiterate but brutal Turks and Spaniards. Once he had done that, he declared himself emperor and had a big party.
Then Julius Cæsar came back from Egypt, told him he was not any sort of emperor, and hired him as a buttock double (eew).
When Ceaser was asked about his parents help into his rise to power he famously quoted " Do my parents not realize i Hate them"
[edit] Reign
During his reign, Julius Cæsar was known to be very demanding, evil, malicious, menacing, cruel, destroying, unloving, stupid, idiotic, and overall a big stinky wide butthole. His buttock double, Julius Ceaser, imposed heavy bathing taxes and made used his army to bring him pictures of sexy women. This caused the Roman Baths to become very popular.
In a fit of feline madness Ceaser put cats on the Roman's bars of soap. The Egyptians, considering cats gods, quit taking baths. Cleopatra and her new boyfriend, Octavius, said they would refuse to bathe until they got new, un-catty soap from France. Ceaser and his Turkish bath attendants blocked a crucial supply of French soap and Cleopatra and Octavius died of armpit rot lol (yeah right). The main reason for Ceasars rise to power is because of his closest Bill Manion. Without him Caesar would be nowhere.
[edit] Decline
People eventually came to hate Ceasar. They objected to his bath taxes, his cat-stamped soap, his idiotic rules for bathing. So they plotted to kill him and eventually did -- by forcing him to eat fifteen helpings of linguini. He exploded, and his disgraced bath attendants were forced to clean up the mess.
Julius Cæsar's last words were "Et tu, Krute...I mean, Mute, I mean...damn."
Julius Ceasar's last words were "Mmmmmmm...Linguini!"
[edit] Inventions
The Orange Julius- The emporor invented this after realizing that people were getting scurvey while watching events at the Coliseum.
Caesar salad- This was invented after Octavius bet him that no one would eat a salad with anchovies in it.
Ceaser's palace, Las Vegas, Nevada
And recently discovered: nigger balls!!! sweet delicious candy coated apples.
[edit] Life as a rice wine enema
Julius spent forty years of his life as a small radish entitled as one last cookie for Berny. His rice wine addiction worsened when he began to ask senators to forcibly insert grains of rice into his anus. The addiction drove him to adore the word "Cigarette", and he thusly named 15 of his bastard tree children various words related to cigarette. Ten were just named "smokearama" with different highs and lows on the syllables. Julius loved puppies.
