Kingdom Hearts
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Kingdom Hearts is a video game on several consoles. It has been enjoyed by many. You should make your own opinions and play the game yourself before you believe these comments below this one.
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[edit] Geography
The locations of Kingdom Hearts are relatively close together in Japan. One part, however, is not.
- Castle Oblivion - The plastic castle in Disney land that looks like a Lego toy set. Its called oblivion because of it's tendency to cause spontaneous combustion.
- Destiny Islands - A pair of small islands, they are the former home of Lord Sora, General Riku and Vicereine Kairi. Now a playground for a naked Sora and a naked Kairi. Tickets to the islands can be bought off the internet for half price.
- Twilight Town - town populated by hippies who get high to witness a fantasy land where they prance around, chasing disney characters with chain saws. Everyone who lives in the town has hurrendously bad posture and habitually attaches bed-springs to their shoes.
- Traverse Town - A town located south of Twilight Town that is home to outcasts of every other location in the kingdom. Actually called 'Hobos-R-Ent-Us-U-Stu-Pid-Mutha-Fuka', but censorship issues forced them to change the name.
- Hollow Bastion - A castle north of Castle Oblivion that serves as a small city to its citizens. It was created by a man who ripped his body in half and is now half dead.
- The World that Never Said It Was - "The World that Never Said It Was WAS, OK? Just because it saying it isn't doesn't mean it is. Well it is, but it isn't. Know what I'm saying? Ah, get fucked Kairi, I never should try and explain shit to you." Just so you know, all moral contradictions and failed contraceptives adside, The World That Never Said It Was never was a city never with futuristic buildings and never a small cove somewhere. Some never said it didn't ever exist, and they weren't ever right because it never was. It never was called Deep Dive City ever because a man never ever took a dive off of it ever in effort to never kill himself but never was successful, and because nobody never never ever never knew what its true name never or ever was. The never true name never was ever revealed when somebody never realized that the city never was. It never was the home to the Mickey Mouse League's never centers for never creation and distribution of never software for computers and never video games. Uttering anything about the 'Pudding of Naught within the castle will result in immediate ASHS.-
- End of the World - A location, not a date, unlike what it sounds like. Random parts of the Earth that were fucked off of the planet by the League of Super Devils, collected together and stuck together with gluestick. It is also home to the actual landmark called Kingdom Hearts, a door that connects our dimension with another one. Recently, End of the World has crashed into the ocean, while Kingdom Hearts drifted above the World that Never Said It Was, hoping to find that special someone.
[edit] History
[edit] The New Age (1418-1958)
Known as the Golden Age by some. Darkwing Duck, arguably the second best leader that Kingdom Hearts ever had, brought forth a time of goodness in the kingdom. He and a group of construction workers created Twilight Town and Hollow Bastion, two landmarks that are famous to this very day. Darkwing Duck was assassinated in 1851 by a warfaring man, Gooferneur Gimmler,he was a sadistic man dog who became the dictator of Kingdom Hearts. Goofernuer brought a new age to Kingdom Hearts, an age that wasn't very good for the kingdom at all.
[edit] The Invasion of Disney (1958-1989)
Gooferneur Gimmler started war with a small town now known as the World that Never Was for fun, and the city became part of the small kingdom. A few years later in 1857, Gooferneur declared war on Disneyland, which ended one week later after Disneyland easily defeated Kingdom Hearts and made it into part of their empire. Under the control of Disneyland, Gooferneur was executed and Kingdom Hearts was temporarily put under control of the current ruler of Disneyland. During this time, Traverse Town was created by outcasts from Twilight Town. The End of the World started to form around the Kingdom Hearts door, all of which were orbiting the Earth. However, instead of being temporary, the kingdom remained under the rule of whoever Disneyland's present leader was until 1989, when Lord Sora, General Riku and Vicereine Kairi came to Kingdom Hearts from the Destiny Islands.
[edit] The New New Age (1989-2006)
Lord Sora and his friends, Riku and Kairi, showed great leadership in Kingdom Hearts, so the Mickey Mouse League made Sora the ruler of Kingdom Hearts, Riku the head of its defense and Kairi the leader when Sora was busy. The Destiny Islands were also accepted into Kingdom Hearts. In 1993, war erupted between strange creatures known as the Heartless and the people of Kingdom Hearts known as the Great Heartless Raid. Lord Sora, General Riku , Admiral Donald Duck and Lieutenant Goofy helped in defeating the great menace all around the world and around time, including in ancient Rome. Soon after this, members of the XIII Order invaded Castle Oblivion and Lord Sora had to clear them out and stop them from taking over his castle. A year later, the new enemies of Kingdom Hearts, the XIII Order led by the evil Mansex, attacked Kingdom Hearts and other places across time. This fued is known as the Nobody War. General Riku became a double agent for the Order and Kingdom Hearts during this war, which helped win the war. After these two wars ended, Kingdom Hearts was back in a period of peace.
[edit] The Invasion (2006-2006)
Shortly after the period of peace arrived, Flash Gordon, with no reason in mind, invaded. It was a fierce battle between the quarterback and a militia of assorted personified farm animals, and many were lost on Kingdom Hearts's side. All was not lost however, soon Sora and Riku ran to meet Flash Gordon in battle. Riku ran in first, but was promptly hit in the face with a football. His fangirls, who usually worshipped him for his hotness, noticed the large lump and tore him up for becoming ugly. Sora, seeing this, knew that he would have to devise a plan to defeat this powerful foe, but before he could finish thinking that he needed a plan, Flash grabbed him by the neck and stuck a laser at Fayt Leingod, who was on the battlefield for no apparent reason. Was all lost? Only time will tell. One things is certain though: getting hit in the face with a football hurts.
[edit] The Reconstruction (2006-???X)*
While in a battle in the Invasion, Flash Gordon's hip was broken by Riku, who had cut off his lump from his face and made it into a keyblade. Fayt Leingod then said "Hip, hip, hooray" at response to his broken hip. The people from the TV show Whose Line Is It Anyways heard of this and sued Leingod for copyright infringements. Leingod was sentenced to the second longest prison sentence ever: 3,182 years in prison. Gordon was given a sentence of disallowing him to have sex ever again, which caused him to commit suicide. Admiral Donald Duck then used his magic to turn everything in Kingdom Hearts back to normal.
Exactly..
*Note: this whole subsection is actually just a drug induced delusion by Mickey Mouse, or possibly written by an emo (AKA <insert name here>)
[edit] The Battle for Middle Earth (The Third Age)
Sora decided it would be fun to go fight orcs and break expensive jewelery. So he got an OAP named Merlin to create a portal to a random world that had orcs and expensive jewellery in it. The portal led to Middle Earth, a world located on the far reaches of the Kingdom Hearts galaxy, hidden among the worlds of Pirates of the Caribbean and High School Musical. Lord Sora and his gang then went around Middle Earth for a couple of years, killing a couple of elves for food and kidnapping hobbits for pleasure. Some hobos with long hair tried to stop them, but who could stand up to Lord Sora? None of them. They were all killed. Admiral Donald Duck was killed by some dwarf, as Sora couldnt be bothered to heal him...again. They would have to get Riku to do his Donal Duck impression for a couple of years.
[edit] Politics
Kingdom Hearts, being a -monarchy, has always had the sole leader make decisions, because either the leader was trusted or because the citizens had no choice. Currently, Lord Sora, General Riku and Vicereine Kairi make all decisions for the kingdom because they are trusted more than anyone else in the kingdom. Lord Sora resides in Castle Oblivion, making decisions about the nation and planning to make it better while General Riku and Vicereine Kairi do the same in the Twilight Town Clock Tower.
[edit] The Princesses of Heart
While an evil plot was created by the forces of Evil to try and collect the seven princesses of heart to sell as a set on ebay, things did not go to plan after accusations that the collection was not truly complete. Having already captured seven, including The Burger King, Mr. Pelican Shit, This Guy, and Paris Hilton, the set was not 'complete' much to Riku's dismay. It was found that there was one more princess of heart, which was Sora.
[edit] Economy
Most of the money made for the government of Kingdom Hearts is from its successful video game and computer software sales, which are both funded by money from the Mickey Mouse League and the Sony Republic. The rest of the money was spent on cocaine and booze, as well as pornography. The creation and production buildings of the software receive some tourism by people interested in the video games that they make, so they have a store for them in the World that Never Was, the location of all video game and computer software creation factories. The video games that they sell are based on historical figures of the Mickey Mouse League's nations, such as Sora and Mickey Mouse the Great. The suicide effort at Deep Dive City's video game and software production facility was kept discreet to avoid scaring tourists away.
The domestic economy is almost completely supported by Sea-salt Ice Cream. Prospects for exporting this "good" have been low largely due to the food's taste. I mean, come on - SEA SALT?! Caustic lye would make a better ice cream flavor.
[edit] Currency
The official currency of Kingdom Hearts is the Castle Oblivion Battle Card which comes in bills of 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 and 0. The $0 bill, however, is unique in that when you are giving change it is the most valuable bill but when you are buying products it is the least valuable bill. Thus, travelers in Kingdom Hearts trying to convert foreign currencies to Castle Oblivion Battle Cards are likely to experience a phenomenon known as a "card break" in which their funds become completely worthless. However, in Soviet Russia, card breaks YOU!! Avoid "card breaks" at any cost, unless you are breaking somebody else.
[edit] Culture
Everyone in Kingdom Hearts is bilingual, speaking both Japanese and English fluently, though some places speak Japanese more than English or vice versa. For example, people in Hollow Bastion generally speak Japanese, while people in Traverse Town are known to prefer English over Japanese. The appearance of people also changes between towns in the kingdom. People outside of Traverse Town usually look Japanese, while most of the people in Traverse Town appear to be American or European. Sword fighting is a common tradition in most parts of Kingdom Hearts, although few prefer to attack their shadows with enlarged versions of car keys.
Recently, alternate worlds of Kingdom Hearts were found in the mythical lands of Japan and are called Kingdom Hearts Final Mix and Kingdom Hearts 2 Final Mix+. Why the fuck is it a "Final Mix" and what the "+" means is still unknown, but it is kickass and a lot more fun because, well...., nevermind.
[edit] Kingdom Hearts
What everyone in all three fucking games wants. It's nothing special at ALL- It's a giant fucking door leading to a really spooky beach with water made of LSD, which causes hallucinations and seems to incite really gay dialogue.
[edit] The Characters
[edit] Sora
Sora (last name is unknown, though rumored to be Presley; a realtion to Elvis is not yet confirmed.) A kid who oddly happens to be the Keyblade's master. Sora is in love with Kairi. Sora's weapon is a giant key used for self-defense and unlocking people's stuff.
Sora has two best friends named Riku and his crush,Kairi whom he spends every day with. Their parents, it is rumoured, are convicts sentenced to life in prison after a failed attempt at robbing the higher-income sections of Twilight Town.
Sora owns a pair of pants, this special pair has rarely been cleaned. As this is the pair that he is seen wearing throughout both games continuously. When it came for a wardrobe change in Kingdom Hearts II, rather then replacing the pants they were simply transformed to fit better with a different color scheme. Currently, he holds "Longest time wearing a single pair of pants" in the Guinness Book of World Records. And I don't even want to think about his underpants. XP
[edit] Riku
Riku (AKA The Fonz): The real main character, Riku was supposed to be the geeky wielder of the Keyblade, but chose the higher road and joined the Dark Side. The uniform was a mix of cool and feminity (men don't wear skirts, sorry Scotland), though his naturally hot face allowed him to keep his fangirl army.
Riku even gets the Keyblade and throws a wooden sword at Sora, mocking him in a proud and respectable show of arrogance and supremacy, but then becomes possessed by a ghost Heartless named Ansem.
[edit] Kairi
Kairi (AKA Token Female Presence): Kairi does nothing. She spends most of the first game comatose, and as soon as she wakes up she spews hours of mind-numbing drivel about love and hearts. No one else talks to Kairi (except Selphie, her love interest), despite her being the most PURE-HEARTED PRINCESS IN THE UNIVERSE, and so she has no impact, other than being an excuse for Sora to contiue his slaughtering streak. She fills that purpose quite well. Kairi was also a bodybuilder, using Sora's cum (yeah she sucks his long dick) as her everyday 8 glasses of water.
Ansem The Wise: Not to be confused with Ansem the Heartless, who is made of awesome, Ansem the Wise is a pedophilic old man who has the gayest job in the world; he researches hearts. Shiny, floaty red hearts. He has a giant lazer of doom...
He employs six nubile young men as his assistants. However, they get into some heavy duty BDSM he doesn't interest in, but when he told them to knock it off and get their acts together, they led a coup against him, employing the help of Orgy XIII and Winne the Pooh.
[edit] Ansem
Ansem the Heartless/Xehanort/Mansex: Not to be confused with Ansem the Wise, Ansem the Heartless is the main villain of Kingdom Hearts 1. He talks a lot about Darkness, a little about Hearts, and then about more darkness. And then he brings up the subject of...eh, who the hell am I kidding? He mentions darkness at least 40 times every 5 minutes, and when all else fails, he yells stuff like "DARKNESS" and "SUBMIT!" Given that those are his two most used lines in the entire series, all else must fail quite often.
[edit] Others
- Darth Vader: Not Disney owned, but Disney Pwned. Darth Vader makes a cameo appearance in Kingdom Hearts during the trip to FunkyTown... or wait... that was ManBearPig. Same difference.
- Organization XIII: A group of young males who's main mission is to look as feminine as possible.
- Roxas (AKA Jesse McRoxas): Roxas is a Nobody voiced by a nobody. This makes him cool. He has two Keyblades, and is friends with Axel. This makes him hot AND cool. Roxas is all sad because he can't feel anything. But then he can't feel sad either, leading to him questioning the simple possibility of it. In short, Roxas is the gayest character in the whole game, ever. He's always taking it up the ass from Axel.
- Larxene: The Leader of the group, since (s)he looks the most feminine. In addition to that, (s)he has a crush on Magnetman. Although modern psychoanalysts believe now believe (s)he may have a really bad case of gender identity disorder. That or she's a fag hag
- Axel: A tall man with hair borrowed from Goku, Axel is an experienced mechanic, specializing in auto repair and maintenence. However, because the Organization lacks the use or possession of cars, he is useless. He also shoots fire. He is also known to have on more than one occasion attempt to molest Roxas
- Demyx: An indie with a mullet. That's really the only important thing.
- Zexion: Is a blue-haired guy that has his nose stuck in a book. His job is to smell other people and clean. Has been arrested many times for blowing up people who call him emo.
- Xemnas: Rearranges to
MANSEXSex Man; anything else is irrelevant. - Xaldin: He has sideburns. And dreadlocks. And sideburns. A common unknown nickname would be "Poop-dog". The reason behind this, we do not know.
- Marluxia: Quite possibly the second most feminine male of Organization XIII (considering Larxene's status), with the voice of CHAR! Aznable. Considering this, he applies make up three times faster than a normal Organization member. Also known for his intense desire to non-consensually pollinate Vexen.
- Vexen: The scientist of the
black pajama X-name gangOrganization XIII, he's also known by assorted codenames such as "Dr. Love," "I have a freezie-pop in my pants," "isn't that guy Sephiroth's dad," and "Science Fairy." Known for producing clones ad nausium and the world's supply of tentacle beasts. - Replica Riku: Otherwise known as Repliku. He is a delusional emo who gets murdered before he is properly seen in 3D. This is unimportant, as all you really need to do is look at Riku. Look at him. Look at him, I SAY!!! However, he is seen when everything is relived in the acid induced 3D version.
- Xigbar: He became infamous before joining Organization XIII, for his brilliant performance in "Mary Poppins." He is also ranked Number 2 in the Organization.
- That Duck That Wears No Pants: (AKA) Streaker Duck, his entire purpose in the game is to seduce Sora with his pantslessness.
[edit] Sephiroth
As hard as it is to believe, the developers did want to put one character in who didn't suck. He's coming up next. Sephiroth is still as biblical as ever, which means that by the year 2100 he'll probably have been burned like all the other paper backs.
[edit] Solid Snake
I fucking wish! For each consecutive game, Snake came up with a kickass excuse for not featuring (being on probation/ being retired/ being a vegetable). But he's Snake: this level of floppy-cock mediocrity is wayyyyy below him. Voiced by Sephiroth (?) after he brushed his teeth with steel wool and gargled with turpentine for a solid month to make it sound like someone had shot him in the throat.
[edit] King Mickey
OH MY GOD it's Mickey Mouse! I want a picture! Nah, King Mickey was never on some awe-inspiring quest to get his revenge on Marvin the Martin: he just wanted to get away from his missus and the pressures of being King of the Magic Mushroom Kingdom, watch some porn and light up a doobie with his friends. Voiced by Seth McFarlane.
