Kansas City, Missouri

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Kansas City at night. Note the use of electricity.

Template:Wait...this city isn't in Kansas eh?

“Kansas City! HOME OF THE MULLET AND SHITTY BASEBALL! ”

~ Oscar Wilde on Kansas City

Kansas City is the Administrative capitol of The Holy Federation Of Missouri. Is located in the exact middle of the North American continent and it covers parts of Jackson County, Clay County, Cass County, Lafayette County, Johnson County, Bates County, Clinton County, Caldwell County, Ray County, Dekalb County, Andrew County, Henry County, Benton County, Carroll County, Daviess County, Kimchee County, LaRue County, Labius County, Duck County, Fecas County, Steve County, Onion County, Sackup County, Pardon County, Pillbox County, Gerry County, Venstre County, Scooter County, Ricky County, City County, Wricky County, Terry County, Philmarr County, Rondayne County, Blorkingham County, New Steve County, Perco Set County, Poplar County, Mannix County, Count County, and Purplesaurus Rex County. The metropolitan area also extends into the US state of Kansas. Not surprisingly, the city is noted for its compact, sprawl-free form.

Although it is the largest city in Jackson County, the city of Meth Dependence, Missouri is the seat of the corrupt and violent county government.

Situated at the confluence of the Missouri and Kansas rivers, Kansas City's true origins are not known; but it is widely speculated that the initial city spontaneously coagulated out of river slag and sewage which had drifted down from Omaha, where it was discovered in 1821 and harvested by French scat trader François Shiteau. Other traders and westward-bound persons (such as John McCoy) began settling in the area despite the smell, and soon the Town of Kansas came to be. Eventually the scat supply was diminished as Omaha became the depopulated wasteland we now know; however, the smell remains to this day. For his part, John McCoy founded the town of Westport a few miles south of the Town of Kansas in an attempt to avoid the odor, and to provide a place where wagon trains could purchase supplies for the long trek to California without risking death by hydrogen sulfide asphyxiation.

Today, Kansas City incorporates the original riverfront site, plus the original town of Westport, plus about another 200 miles in any direction, such that the city amounts mostly to barren land and an airport. Geographically, the city straddles the boundary between Missouri and Kansas, and is directly east of Kansas City, Kansas. Residents take a sick pride in the confusion that arises due to the fact that the "important" part of Kansas City is not, in fact, in Kansas. Of course, by "important" they mean the part with sports teams and barbecue restaurants, since those are the only part of Kansas City that anybody outside the city has ever heard of, and then only because of Food Network specials and Monday Night Football.

1 Architecture
2 Climate
3 Food
4 Famous Kansas Citians
5 Facts

[edit] Architecture

Kansas City has long been praised for its varied architecture, which includes Go Chicken Go, gigantically oversized Badminton Birdies, and several famous vacant, boarded up and crumbling historic buildings. For some unknowable reason, people take pride in the KCTV-Tower, the tallest freestanding structure in Missouri--it is speculated this is compensation for something.

Some notable pieces of Kansas City architecture:

New York Life Building - The first "skyscraper" in Kansas City, now headquarters for the scandal-ridden Aquila Energy Corp, who of course received a bunch of taxpayer subsidies to move to the building shortly before going bankrupt. Named due to the fact it provides life-giving nutrients to the people of New York and transmits it across the sky with lasers and other cool shit. it was however closed after 1998 when Missouri became its own country.
Kansas City Power And Light Building - Another early skyscraper, built in the depression-era 1930s under then-Mayor "Boss Tom" Pendergast, who owned a concrete company and, of course, supplied all the concrete. It now sits mostly vacant.
One Kansas City Place - Two Kansas City Place, Red Kansas City Place, Blue Kansas City Place
Nelson-Atkins Museum Expansion - A series of glass curtain-walled buildings designed by Stephen Holl. Only in Kansas City would buildings that look almost exactly like prefabricated sheet metal barns be considered high art. They made up for the sane people's protests by spontaneously making grass grow on the roof. Way to go, Steve.

Image:Http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Image:ArtMuseum.jpg

Beware of falling Badminton Birdies

http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Image:Liberty_Memorial.jpg

[edit] Climate

Winters consist of sub-zero temperatures, hellacious freezing rain and ice. Summers are hotter and steamier than hell, and alternate periods of drought with torrential rains and the sheer, unyielding terror brought on by flash floods, microbursts, grapefruit-sized hail and tornadoes. Occassionally the National Weather Service forecasts "scat showers" for the area, but there is a great deal of debate on the exact meaning of this forecast. Some claim it's an abbreviation, while others believe it is a general statement about fecal nature of the oncoming weather. This debate has mostly been played out by giggling high school boys.

[edit] Food

As mentioned previously, Kansas City is home to Go Chicken Go. Barbecue Has a long and prestigious History that we will not go into. Kansas city Barbecue is considered the worlds Best Barbecue which gave rise to the city's motto "Fuck you, Texas". The Latin version is regrettably not known. Sadly having such good food has resulted in Kansas City being named the 2nd fattest cities in the American Continent.

Some of the more notable restaurants in Kansas City and their key cuisine:

Gates and Sons - Piles of greasy meat and fried potatoes.
Arthur Bryant's - Piles of greasy meat and fried potatoes.
Oklahoma Joe's - Piles of greasy meat and fried potatoes inside a fucking gas station.
Zarda's - Piles of greasy meat and fried potatoes.
Fiorella's Jack Stack BBQ - Piles of greasy meat and cheese corn.
Rosedale BBQ - Piles of greasy meat and fried potatoes.
Hayward's - Piles of greasy meat and fried potatoes.
Winslow's - Piles of greasy meat and fried potatoes.
Go Chicken Go - Piles of greasy meat, mashed potatoes, and dabs of cocaine (Troost St. location).
Danny Edward's - Piles of greasy meat and beans.
Shady Lady - Lots of greasy roast beef and glitter
OMGWTFBBQ - Considered to be the best in Kansas City.

[edit] Famous Kansas Citians

[edit] Facts

Former stomping grounds of the legendary Bo Jackson. I mean, why the fuck do you think it's called Jackson County? Shit...

Kansas City home to the KCTV-Tower - the Tallest free-standing Tower in the world.

In 1988 Australian actor Yahoo Serious considered Kansas City to be the best job market for hospital technicians in the 1990s. Sadly, this was not to be.

The first douchebag recycling center was established in 1974. However in 1975 douchebags were outlawed due to the confusion between the Royals, Chiefs and actual Douchebag.

When Kim Wilde sang, "We're The Kids in America (whoa-oh)!" she was singing about Kansas City.

Kansas City has babies.

When the Liberty Memorial was being built, an unknown sponsor submitted the complaint that the WWI memorial strongly resembled cock and balls. Sadly, this was the 1920s, when no one knew what cock and balls even were, and the construction was not hindered. The 217 foot tall penis is visible from some miles away.