Immanuel Kant
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“There is no proof that anything exists, all you observe, including your memory, could just be an impression upon your mind. Live like it is real anyway.”
~ Kant on Everything
“Perhaps you all don't exist.”
~ Kant on Everything
“Kant doesn't exist.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Kant
“Yeah! Wait... What?”
~ Everyone Else on Kant
Immanuel Kant (also Immanuel Cunt (not be confused with A Manual Cunt, a variant on the now standard automatic cunt) and Immanuel Can't (not to be confused with A Man Who Well...Can't)) was a philosopher during the 18th Century, having been hatched from Trotsky's hair in 1758, and having proved that we know nothing and should simply believe everything because it makes the world pretty by his early teens, much to the annoyance of moral relativists. According to contemporaneous historical testimony, Immanuel Kant was a real pissant, who was very rarely stable; Kant was also reportedly thunk under the table by Martin Heidegger, some random boozy begger.
Immanuel Kant is commonly called one of the great thinkers of Western civilization, being a particularly brilliant individual, though in some cases incomprehensible, who, on occasion, at some point, at various times, dabbled in, that is to say experimented in, or interloped into, many fields, from various fields of philosophy to the skull-strewn field of anthropology, and from mathematics to geography, to the Elysian Fields, to Sally Fields to Elementary School Field Day.
Kantian philosophy is completely impenetrable to idiots, thus making it a little-utilized but highly effective armour. It is important to note, however, that this armor can be difficult to implement and is ineffective against a majority of projectile weapons; these include most bullets, pasta, and Chuck Norris.
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[edit] The Great Philosophical Wars
The Great Philosophical Wars began shortly after the tyrannical and incomprehensible reign of the most overwhelmingly positive negative man, Immanuel Kant, ended. A bitter struggle for power over Pompous Intellectualland caused factions to develop in the world of philosophers, half believing Kant to be completely wrong, the other half believing Kant to be totally incorrect. These two, mutually exclusive, sides are the Analytic Philosophers, an unfortunately named group of mostly homosexual philosophers from America and the United Kingdom, and the other side, an axis of powerful, evil minds from France, Germany, and pretty much anywhere that doesn't speak English, calling themselves the Continental Philosophers; commenting on the lameness of the name, saying that it's a hell of a lot better than Analytical. The primary battles occur on the same fronts, with the Analyticals using logic and reason as their weapons of choice. Continentals, on the other hand, use incomprehensible jibber-jabber as their weapon of choice. These wars continue to wage until this very day, when neither side is really sure what the two groups are fighting over, they simply know that the other guys are wrong and assholes.
[edit] Magnum Opus - His Great Work
However, as most are aware, Kant is best known for his contribution to the field of astronomy and early astrophysics – specifically, he developed the nebular hypothesis.
The nebular hypothesis, put simply, theorized that planets formed for a disk of dust that circled the sun, and that this process of planet formation would progressively work towards the sun from the outer rim of the dust cloud. Thus, Jupiter would be formed before Mars, Mars before Earth, and Earth before Venus.
While this might not seem of particular significance, the implications of it are monumental – it implies that Mars has existed longer than Earth, and therefore life may have existed longer on Mars than on Earth, meaning that life on Mars would be far more evolved and advanced than the puny earthling species.
It was this line of thought that gave rise to the ideas of technologically advanced Martians coming to conquer Earth and other such amusing nonsense and, more importantly, it was this line of thought that gave rise to the concepts upon which the movie Mars Attacks! was based.
[edit] Perceived Pessimism
Critics would maintain that Kant ought to "stop being so hard on himself" and legally change his name to Immanual Kann. He refused, claiming he could not will it to be universal law that everyone change their name to Immanual Kann in accordance with the Categorical Imperative. He just 'kant' change his name!
[edit] Savior of Mankind
Mars Attacks! was widely acclaimed as a spectacular film which managed to accurately depict a scenario in which Martians attacked the Earth, including the development of a means through which to defeat the invaders from the Red Planet Mars.
Without Kant, there would be no Mars Attacks!, and then we wouldn’t be prepared to defend against the Martians when they finally do attack. So, while some may be inclined to criticize him, it is abundantly clear that without his contributions to the field of astronomy we Earthlings would not be able to defend ourselves against the Martian technocrats when they come to enslave our race.
So, next time you’re planing to write some stupid insult to Kant in a prestigious fake online encyclopedia, remember: if it weren’t for him you’d be slaving away building pyramids or something for an annoyed Martian slave driver, and subject to Martian Law; you owe Kant your freedom.
His preformace is Mars begin's the prestigious prequal directed Christopher Noland led to a increase use of pcp and cocain. He started to "party harty" as he put it and started to slip away from his connection with soceity. He steadly slipped into deep depression.
Who could blame the man his last name taunted him with the one thing he couldn't exactly put his finger on. Dispite the many attempts to obtain the "kant" he became very discouraged. He started to hate women and men alike for they seemed to be "getting laid." Sexual repressions led to contant aggression which led to exfixieation
[edit] Inimitable writing style
One often overlooked feature of Kant's work, something which is distinguishable in all of his writings and even in those of his lectures and addresses that have been transcribed, is the style he uses, often imitated yet, as modern scholarship agrees, never bettered, which involves the use of a sentence structure which, in many commentaries, has been described as "convoluted", due to its heavy dependence on subclauses, some of which have subclauses themselves, and subclauses on downwards, potentially forever, to the extent that some Kantian statements are in fact infinitely long, the result of which, often, is the creation of such a gap between the subject, or, as was often the case in his later works, subjects, and predicate, of which there could only be one per subject, or set thereof, as to render the entire statement, to the vast majority of readers in the original, but, perhaps, still more in translation, entirely incomprehensible.
He is best remembered for his work 'critique of rainy season' in which he strongly criticized rains for not letting little Johnny play.
[edit] Size of his Cranium
Apparently the size of Immanuel Kant's head set world craneological records. When measured up against Descartes', Kant's was found to be vastly superior. Leading scholars believe that this could explain why Descartes' philosophy is stupid, and Kant's is incomprehensible. It reportedly weighed more than any other known normal human head (leading some to believe he is an alien) and currently the heaviest on record. The weight of Kant's head is currently only known to be matched in weight by Ron Jeremy's penis. Kant's balls are also a point of debate for many scholars, as it is now believed that they were replaceable implants, obviously the work of vastly superior alien technology. Kant claimed to have seen with his own eyes, the boundaries of time and space and the limits of reason though he admitted this was impossible as his balls consisted of phenomenological a posteriori content per se and spatio-temporal constraints consisted of purely unintelligible noumena.
[edit] Kant Tries Comedy
Following the death of Lenny Bruce in 1768, an international call was put out to fill the vacant seat in the International Congress of Comedians. Before the special election began, the King of Prussia, Constantine Whythefuckisheinprussiaandnotbyzantiumsus, called Kant to the Royal Palace to ask him to run for the office. Kant, bored with being the premier intellectual of sll time, decides: "Why not?" Though he spent absolutely no money on his campaign and gave not a single speech, name power alone won Kant the election with a margin of over four trillion votes.
Kant used his superior memory to put together a basic standup comedy routine, drawing from the leading comedians of the day, from Josh Billings to Jerry Seinfeld. A translated sample joke can be found below:
A German brought an American Indian to a bordello in Hamburg to demonstrate to him the art of sexual intercourse which was unknown to their peoples. When they arrived on the premises the madam showed them to their room, where a lovely young prostitute was waiting for their arrival. As the Indian watched with intense curiosity, the prostitute proceeded to stimulate the German's member with her hands until he had reached the point of ejaculation. When the German had finished, he asked of the Indian what he thought of the process.
"I am not at all surprised that it all came out," replied the Indian, "but it eludes me as to how it got in there to begin with."
Although considered extremely tame by today's standards, Kant's material was greeted by hysterical laughter at every single performance. Intellectuals began to form massive 'Kant Komedy Klubs' throughout Europe, and a book of his greatest material went through so many printings that it is still in print to this very day. Although Kant resumed the serious life of an intellectual, he continues to moonlight in comedy clubs worldwide to promote essay sales.
[edit] Important Contributions to Philosophy
Kant proved by reason that you can prove nothing absolutely by reason. Kant is sometimes considered an neo-nihilistic robot for his actual use of cranial processing. Kant's capibility to use imaginary reason much like a human while still advancing his devious alien bio-machine schemes is or should be a source of inspiration for all of you hideous human pig-babies. Kant also proved that your existence is likely a fluke of the primordial chaos and something that may be remedied soon.
Kant is considered one of the most devious beings ever in his remarkable ability to make everyone either doubt everything or very confused.
[edit] See also
- Ayn Rand (his biggest fan)
- Scatogorical Imperative
- Oscar Wilde (slept with Kant once)
