Karl Marx
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“Politics is a waste of time”
~ Karl Marx
“Marky Mark is the opiate of the masses”
~ Karl Marx
“Iи кюммцйіѕт Яцssia, aятicгзs язad чюц!!”
~ Дядя Гарт on Амеязка
The youngest (and most funny) of the Marx Brothers, Karl Marx also known as Karl Daymon (1862-1813-1920) (after 1920 he was known as Adam West, see below) was the first male underwear model to grace the cover of Cigar Aficionado and also a visionary English performance poet and conceptual artist whose bizarre rantings and hedonistic lifestyle were an inspiration to the first generation of Rock'n'Roll musicians. Often mistaken for Gandalf from The Lord of the Rings, Karl Marx was often able to blag his way into bars and brothels as a teenager, by threatening to perform a Patronus charm on the bouncers, an idea which JK.Rowling later stole. He is also the supreme deity of Communism and worshipped as such.
Marx was a devout believer in the influence of genetics on behavior, believing environment to be of little or no importance. His theories on genetics were over a century ahead of their time, predicting Mendelian inheritance and the semi-conservative model of DNA replication. He is perhaps best known for his quote from the Conservative Manifesto (regarding the replication of the genetic material, not the fundy political group) (1848): "The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of biological competition, fought out on the level of genes."
He was also a strong activist against drugs and drug use, counseling religious faith as an alternative to then widespread opium use.
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[edit] Life
Marx's clean-shaven appearance and thin, wiry frame was in stark contrast with his powerful stage persona. His early shows at the British Museum reading room left the public either shocked or nonplussed. It was only after he shared a double billing with Rasputin at the Birmingham Bullring that he came to the attention of young Liverpudlian John "Josef" Lenin, who would make Marx's ideas well known. Sadly this recognition came too late for Marx, as his life of excess began to catch up with him. Found passed out, naked, in London's Thames Embankment on an overdose of speedball, his friends dispatched him to a German sanitarium for detox. He was never to return to his birthplace.
Tragically, only a few bootleg recordings of Marx's "English period" survive. Though he later enjoyed some commercial success in Germany, it is generally thought that his greatest work was done early on in his career. In his later life, his friends regarded him as only a shadow of his former self - his great supporter Freddie Engels describing him as reduced to a "spectre" haunting Europe. Arguably, Marx's greatest mistake during this period of his life was agreeing to a sponsorship scandal with the USSR. The leaders of the Soviet state found Marx's big brown eyes alluring, but knew little of his poems or ideology.
For more on Marx's early life, see the article on Eucalyptus-Bongo.
Another little-known fact about Karl is that in an alternate reality, in which communism works, he had a son called Nicky Marx. Nicky somehow ended up in this dimension by a fluke accident, and taking on the strange extra surname "Wire" began to live in Wales. Nicky Marx-Wire was startled to see that all his father stood for did not quite work out the same in this dimension. So he joined an organisation known as the Manic Street Preachers, whose leader was the secret son of Che Guevara.
Karl Marx also had a short-lived career on the German International Philosophy Team during the 27th Silly Olympiad in Munich. He was substituted into the game in the last five minutes, replacing Ludwig Wittgenstein. Unfortunately, Marx fail to put any life back into the German team and in the final minute Socrates scored, leading the Geeks to victory.
[edit] Thought
Marx's poems are difficult to decipher, but a number of recurring themes are apparent. One of the most influential was the idea that there is a unlimited "surplus" of resources in the world. The idea of "surplus value" was supposed to license his well-known hedonism. Marx is known to promote Socialism, Communism, liberalism, and hobos.
It is rumoured that the Russians had misheard him saying, "We should have a Bullshit Revolution!"
[edit] Influence of Hegel
The material dialectic of Marx's poetry reflected his exposure to early Hegelian showtunes. In calling for "the rise of the proletariat" and "downfall of the bourgeoisie" in his epic sonnet "Das Kapital Times," Marx displayed a stunning understanding of the antithesis and synthesis of rhythm and blues. Later, his work on the diametrically opposed concepts of "rock" and "roll" earned him his first of three hard-won Grammies. At his acceptance speech, broadcast live via carrier pigeon in 1883, Marx gave a shout-out to "my homie Georg in gulag block 10," after which he proceeded to pour a "40 proof" on the ground in solemn honor. His desire to induce foment in his primary audience of proletariats led him to pen his most well-remembered arena anthem, "Die Proletarier haben nichts in ihr zu verlieren als ihre Ketten!", which is traditionally accompanied by the raising of the hand and extension of both the second and little finger and a vigorous "banging" of the head.
Marx should get credit for the fact that he taught crap-weasels how to fly. Crap-weasels of his time were not capable of flying because of the heavy poo. Marx although helped the poor weasels by teaching them the state of mind in which you flow. penthydrocanabolis or marijuana. After all he was a stoned "do-nothing" bastard.
[edit] Das Kapital
In this unfinished album, Marx crafted several power ballads and hard rocking grunge slammin beats with lyrics that proposed a new type of society and economic system, Communism, which had the following characteristics:
- Mass murder of most of the population
- Rewarding the remaining population for their hard work with torture, famine, beatings, and free, all expense paid trips to Siberia
- Having a charismatic, larger than life leader to carry out the first two points. Chest full of impressive shiny medals and well-brushed hat optional, but cool
- Giving Republicans something to get angry about although for some reason, a political doctrine that proposed that most of the population should be starved, beaten, tortured and killed except for one overblown charismatic leader and his circle of followers proved to be politically unpopular and doomed to failure. Who knew?
The album was never released, but numerous bootlegs exist. Lots of people have actually tried to put the theory into practice, resulting in an unparalled human eden where all is peaceful, full of plenty and everyone is happy. For evidence see Cuba, North Korea, USSR and New Jersey. this guy is a fag
[edit] Chart History
- June 1883: Working Class Hero - Peaked at #24 on the Top of the Poppers
- Aug 1883: Revolution No. 9 - Peaked at #15 on the Top of the Poppers
- Dec 1883: Material Girl - #1 for 2 weeks on Top of the Poppers
- Mar 1884: Money, Money, Money - #3 on Top of the Poppers
- Aug 1884: Imagine - #7 on Top of the Poppers
- Jan 1886: The Bitch is Back-Failed to Chart
WHOOPIEEEEE!!!!!!
[edit] Quotes
- "We have hitherto only tried to describe the world. The however point is... YEAH! MOTHERFUCKER BABY! YEAH! FEUERBACH BABY! YEAH!" - from Feuerbach baby (fragments from 11 early shows at the British Museum).
- "I'm Karl Marx, motherfucker!" - the "Communism Rules" speech given to members of the Politburo and merry workers of the city of Moscow in AD 1900
- "WHERE'S YOUR CAPITALISM NOW, BITCH?!" - again, from the "Communism rules" speech.
- "Proletarians of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose but your virginity and an assortment of vegetables!" - line from a speech to fans.
- "Communism is the opiate of the masses." - From Wealth of Nations, Adam Smith
- "Your mother is like my theory of socioeconomics. Everyone gets a share!" - From Marx's letter of national Comradery to FDR.
- "Regrettably, brightly-colored artillery is not as important to global economics as we had previously indicated." - Karl Marx, on the occasion of the death of Hiram Maxim.
- "Big Jock Knew"
[edit] Adam West
It is widely believed that Karl Marx threw away his old name and became Adam West in the years after 1920. This has been supported by the fact he has been known to masquerade as Batman on several occasions, and play the supporting roles in many other Batman movies.
[edit] Sexual Misconduct
Sadly, because of Marx' struggle with Midgetism and Obesity, Marx had many sexual needs and means. Several years after his death, Scientists speculated that Marx, was in fact, getting "Gay" with many of the petty Bourgouisie. Marx would often get wasted at his house, he would dress up as a woman, managing to get into many of the capitalist owned stores (Which were at that time owned by the African American Nazi party of Germany). This information shocked many Marxists, who couldn't believe their idol would do that. They could not believe that an Ultra Liberal who was obese and spent massive amounts of time writing books with Engels, would possibly be Gay. This has left a dent on Marx's reputation, and has led to the theory which speculates that Marx has currently been reincarnated into Vin Diesel circa late 2004, and is haunting the world with horrifyingly unfunny and terrifically boring movies.It is currently disputed, but rumor has it that he once had a threesome with Hitler and Barbra Striesand.
[edit] Marxianity
Karl Marx says "Yes" to:
- Sandwiches
- Pornography
- 1940s Swing Music
- Beer
- Genocide
- Suite Jackets
- Kitten Huffing
- Book Burning
- Date Rape
- Flash Drives
- Yugoslavia
- Chunky Chicken Noodle Soup
Karl Marx says "Maybeh" to:
- Woofles and a Shmoke (Waffles and a Smoke or Cigarette)
- Orange Fanta on Tuesdays
- Creamed Corn
- Fuzzy Socks
- You!
- Game Boy Colors
- Librarys
- Analog Clocks
- The Blue Pill
- Pick-up Trucks
Karl Marx says "No" to:
- Salsa Eggs
- Ebaumsworld.com
- Wal-Mart
- Dr.Seuss books
- Puppies
- Baby Rape
- Edumacation
[edit] Related Articles
- Communism
- Marx
- Marxists
- Marx Brothers
- Black Karl Marx
- Lenin
- Trotsky
- Marx-Leninism
- Capitalists
- Economics
- Groucho Marx
- Self-hating Jew
- Red Dwarf
- Moisture
- Stalin
- Hillary Clinton
- Adam West
- John Zorn presents Famous Great Jews
- Eye Beams
- MUCU
- Serialism
- The Smurfs
- Manic Street Preachers
- Bourgeoisie
- Asshole
- Socialist Alternative
| Communism |
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| Mao | Lenin | Engels | Marx | Stalin | Ass Hole | Bill Gates | You |
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