Karl Pilkington

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Karl Pilkington (1901-1902) is an English philosopher, he specializes in contra-logic, (nearly) utilitarian ethics and (although poorly) the long lost art of metaphysics. He also has a head like a fucking orange.

Most of his work became public via The Ricky Gervais Show (Podcast (24 episodes, half an hour each) where Karl gets ridiculed by England's favorite fat bloke Ricky Gervais and frog-faced Tower of London Stephen Merchant), his book (yes, a book!) called 'The World Of Karl Pilkington' (pretty promising, innit?) and a radio show he did with Ricky 'not as fat as on television' Gervais and Stephen 'Dances like an albatros on stilts' Merchant on a British radio station (XFM).

[edit] Work

He famously came up with the phrase "I could eat a knob at night" (knob is English slang for 'male reproduction organ'). He came to this conclusion after thinking about how it would be to eat a kangaroo's penis. He thought it would be pretty hard to eat a penis on an empty stomach, so he came up with the solution to only eat knobs at night.

He also came up with a solution to being afraid of death. It contains injecting an old person with something (formula unknown) and then the old person will age backwards. For example: if a 75-year old person gets injected, he/she will live on and on his/her next birthday he/she will be 74. That goes on until the person gets to an age of 9 months (the age you have at birth) and then he/she dies. Why is it a solution for fearing death? Simple, an old person has a consciousness and memories, a baby doesn't, a baby is happy and does not know anything. Therefore, the baby will not fear death.

An idea for variety in life: swap your body with another guy. This way you can show it off if it looks good and don't have to take responsibility if it looks like a sack of potatoes. But then, what if you want to masturbate? Shouldn't you feel uncomfortable because you're pleasuring some other guy? Karl's answer is simple, yet pretty good: you shouldn't feel uncomfortable, because they are not your hands. So at the end, what you do is seeing someone else wank.

He also has a film in pre-production starring Rebecca De Mornay and reclusive English actor Clive Warren.

[edit] Important discoveries

Went to a bar. Didn't have much to do, because everyone was looking at a cat licking its own balls.
[...] and there... a homeless Chinese guy. Never seen one of them.
You never see an old guy eating a Twix, do you?
Became down when i was watching a slug eating some bird poo. Pretty depressing, innit?
Why do people take pictures of mimes? Everyone looks like a mime on a picture!
Although pigeons have wings, they walk a lot. [...] If they're about to get run over, they don't take off, they just walk faster.
Watching a frozen lake... the ducks seem worried.
I don't like bags.
How would I know which one I was if I was facing a doppelganger?
If you don't have eyes, you shouldn't have wings.
Jellyfish are 97% water. Couldn't we give them another 3% and make 'em water?
Solution for people with a cat that constantly barfs: shave the cat. It won't be cured, but it makes cleaning up easier.
Dogs are betters than squids. Squids are just a blob. Dogs have human eyes.
They should use chimps as fire fighters. They're smaller, stronger, don't need any ladders anymore and they're cheaper. They work for bananas.
There are too many words. They should, for instance, get rid of the word 'dodo'. The bird's gone, the word's gotta go.
Men's balls shouldn't be near the penis but below the ears.
Think about this idea: see-through skin.