Kate Bush
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“Up yours Babooshka, ya ya!”
~ Kate Bush on Mushrooms
“I'm not particularly enthralled with the idea of Kate's bush - but I'm certain her tradesman's entrance would be lovely!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Kate Bush
Kate W. Bush is the 43rd President of the United States, although she is more renowned as an eccentric singer-songwriter. Kate W. Bush, the W being for Wardrobehound, can, in fact, move at the speed of light - as seen in the video for Wuthering Heights. She is also responsible for preventing the Nazi invasion of England. Adolf Hitler is quoted as saying: "Out of respect for Kate Bush, a true Nordic princess of the Fatherland, I cannot occupy the land she considers home. And anyway, I want to propose to her next month, I've got the ring ready and everything."
Kate Bush is known for her abundance of vaginal hair, which has won many awards including the 2003 Nobel Peace Prize.
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[edit] Biography
The original Kate Bush was not a bush at all, but a tree of the genus "Pretensuosa". The tree in question was found on the border between England and Wales in the mid 14th Century and became renowned for its large pink flowers.
The current incarnation of Kate Bush was born to Haivabik Bušh, a Czech afterlife psychic, and her husband, Irish-Kenyan Barack Obama, a physicist. Kate has a twin sister named Jenna, and another twin sister named Barbara. Her twin brothers, George and Jeb, died at birth.
The difference between how Kate was before her unbirth and after her birth can be seen quite clearly when comparing footage of her from the eighties and the nineties. Of course, this is because eighties Kate Bush is not Kate Bush at all, but her attractive mother. The real Kate Bush is a wretched mesh of flesh and meat, not unlike the Toxic Avenger if he also had wonky breasts and a more noticeable wandering eye. She is also considerably less productive and talented than her mother. Her last album took exactly 10,000 days to make (approximately 12,000 years). Her most popular song from that album, entitled "Holy Cornhole" was "Gabooshka Fuck You" in which she portrayed comic book character, Red Sonja.
Kate Bush's life is a well documented affair, documented by none other than H. G. Wells in his biographical film Alien 3. In the film's third act, however, Bush is made to choose between her own life and the life of the human race. The is simply not true. In reality, Bush was really made to choose between the life of some pigeons nested on her clothesline or the clothes that were constantly being soiled. She chose the former and spent much of her life indoors, fearing public shame. On the odd occasion she did leave the house Bush would usually cover herself in vines to hide the stains.
[edit] Death
Unfortunately, the outer surface of Kate Bush's body was far too permeable to the planet's atmosphere, what with it being inside-out and all. Thus, she was only able to survive for 27 seconds after being born before being infected with X-mas and itching her genitals to death. Unhappy with the brevity of her brief life, Kate fled to the moon on a rocket-ship she constructed from the remains of Elvis' rotting corpse. On the moon, Kate had her first child Berty, before meeting Berty's imaginary friend Buzz Lightyear and marrying him. Kate had her first child with Buzz and named him Berty. Kate proclaimed herself King of the Moon (poisoning the Toast King by putting arsenic in his coffee) and wrote an album about metrosexual inuets. The album was a failure and Kate's fame rocketed back down to earth where no one cared anymore.
Kate has since changed her name to Catherine Earnshaw and weighs 400 pounds, she roams her Cheshire mansion by night and at day is often sighting singing up on the roof.
[edit] Music
Kate Bush's music is very eclectic in its inspiration, and is generally held by the British public to be the best fucking music ever, which is an appropriate sentiment given that Kate's music seems to be mostly about fucking. It's either about fucking, or it's about something related to fucking, or it's erotically-charged and makes you dream about fucking. The late George Carlin said of Kate Bush: | "This is what's wrong with America; you can't make an album that has anything unsavory, for instance drugs or blowjobs, because, God forbid, it's a bad influence on children. Fuck me, over in Britain they have a singer called Kate Bush. Ever heard of Kate Bush? All of her songs are essentially, about fucking!"
[edit] The Dick Inside (1978)
Kate Bush's first album was called The Dick Inside, and for the most part is about fucking. The title, in conjunction with the video for the song Wuthering Heights, is regarded a clever marketing ploy to boost sales with teenage boys. The album opens with 20 seconds of whale orgasms, leading into the first song which is about making love to complete strangers. The next track, The Saxophone Song, is a ballad about a girl listening to her hot German saxophonist boyfriend ramble on while she dreams about him going down on her using the fluttertongue technique. In Strange Phenomena Kate sings about the magnetic pull of the moon on her breasts to indicate which direction Pink Floyd guitarist David Gilmour is walking in. Kite is about being at the climax of an orgasm, featuring the memorable lyrics "Beelzebub is achin' in my belly-oh, my feet are heavy and are rooted in my welly-ohs!" which is of course a euphemism for wanting hot filthy sex. The Man With A Child In His Eyes is about a woman whose husband is a pederast and is molesting a boy he met at a local beach, though he is under the delusion it's romantic. Feel It is about the awkward transition between coming inside for a coffee and coming inside, if you get my drift. The last track on the album, The Kick Inside, is about a girl who is pregnant to her brother. That's actually what the song is about, no shit. Can you believe Kate was 19 when she released this album? Not only is she unbelievably hot, she writes about awesome shit like incest.
[edit] Lionheart
Kate's second album, named Lionheart, is pretty much a sequel or B-side to The Dick Inside, being released later the same year and in the same sort of style. It's considered her worst album, consisting of some of the blander songs from her tape collection of over 9000 boring piano ballads. There are only two songs on the album that are about fucking: In The Warm Room, which is about prostitution ("say hello to the soft musk of her hollows", Kate bellows) and Kashka From Baghdad, about two fags that never leave the house, opting instead to spend their nights buggering each other. The rest of the album is pretty boring, it's about being depressed, putting arsenic in coffee, going out into space to find Disney characters, and rehearsing lines for plays. In other words, the average British citizen's day. Memorable lyrics: "Ohhh England, my Lionheart, George Michael blows the kids in Kensington Park."
[edit] Never For Ever (1980)
[edit] The Dreaming (1982)
The title track of The Dreaming features Kate jerking off a green laser beam while dancing like a retarded overweight polar bear around a group of Abbos. Seriously:
[edit] Hounds of Love (1985)
Considered by many people to be Kate’s masterpiece, 1985's Hounds of Love was the first album to ever feature a free puppy with every copy bought.
In August of 1985, on The Terry Wogan Show, the single "Running Up That Hill (Deal or No Deal with God)" was played for the first time. As Kate sung her last note, Terry Wogan immediately burst into flames, and his show was cancelled; this gained Kate seven million more fans, and Hounds of Love sped into the UK pop charts, knocking Madonna's "Like A Virgin" from the number one position.
The album is split into two sides, with the first side, Hounds of Love, containing five "accessible" pop songs, including the four singles: "Running Up That Hill (Deal or No Deal with God)," "Blockbusting," (a duet with Bob Holness) "Hounds of Love," and "Fuck Me, Look How Big The Sky is, I Mean It Goes on Forever." The second side is entitled "The Ninth Wave", whose title is taken from a poem by Tennyson and all the songs fit together to tell the story of a woman who wins a cruise on the lottery, falls overboard and is swept out to sea, facing death by drowning, and the tortured night she spends bobbing up and down in the icy water. This story was later copied in an episode of Postman Pat.
The song “Watching You Without Me" features a backwards vocal which, when played the right way round, reveals Kate’s shopping list for the date 09-12-85. She can be heard saying “potatoes, crisps, toothpaste and cheese... I’m off to Tescos to buy all of these... I might buy a carrot or maybe a leek... Whatever I get has to last me a week”
[edit] The Sensual World (1989)
[edit] The Red Shoes (1993)
[edit] Present
Kate's new album is called Ariel and is based on Disney's The Little Mermaid. It is her first album in 27 years, but to make up for lost time it is a 27-disc set. She is reportedly working on her next album, a set of 407 3" mini discs with an MSRP of $599.99, and it is set for release in July of 2087. It is as of now still untitled. By contrast, Duke Nukem Forever, a game based on the life of Kate Bush's grandfather, is scheduled for shipping in late Fall of 2052.
[edit] Miscellaneous
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| George Bushes |
| Other Bushes |
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[edit] Running up that hill
Singer/Songerwriter/Musician/Contortionist Kate Bush (born 1958 and again later in 1969) became famous for her musical interpretation of the work of the Bronte Sisters and Jane Austin. In more recent aspects of her career she has created a mime reworking of the 1957 "classic" "Attack of the Crab Monsters".
Edit: Bush's production of "Attack of the Crab Monsters" has been canceled indefinitely, as it was deemed crustacean defamation, and therefore blasphemous by Lobster Jesus. AP - Tue Oct 04, 2005 9:53 PM ET
Kate Bush is seriously hot. Or she was, anyway, and still is on her album covers.. She was a witch before Fiona Apple and a piano prodigy before Tori Amos. She is the original - the rest are imitators.
[edit] Top 10 Selling Albums
- Northanger Abbey
- Pride and Prejudice
- Oh Shit I Can't Take These Red Shoes Off
- Hay Guise I'm A Furry Lolz, Check Out My Lion suit!
- Ghostbusting with Aborigines
- Suspended In Jaffas (NOM NOM NOM)
- Miming The Attack Of The Crab Monsters (The Album)
- Running Up That Bill (A Deal With Vodafone)
- [Oh England, My Leotard]
- Get The Fuck Out Of My House!
- Soundtrack to The Lion King
- Soundtrack to The Never Ending Story
- Indi Cred part 1
- Hey Fido did we just do it? Cos if that's sex, I like it.
- The Special Olympics
- The rest
[edit] Baseless Rumors
Contrary to rumour, Kate Bush does not have a daughter named Tori Amos. She is, however, the real father of Kelly Osborne.
Kate did pen a song that led to Emily Brontë writing a classic novel of the same name.
It is true that, if you were male and claimed to like Kate Bush, from the years 1984-1991, you would easily get laid by a hippie chick.
[edit] Kate Bush on Writing
Like any self-respecting artist who respects herself, Kate Bush approached song-writing in her own unique way. Over the years scientists eventually cracked the her music writing code using the bible and a compass. The formula is as follows:
[edit] Television Appearances
- Kate made a brief appearance on Final Fantasy IV.
- Kate appeared as Barney the Dinosaur for 7 episodes.
- Kate was crowd member #1376 at the 1996 Super Bowl.
- Kate tried to moon Rotikian leader, Prime Minister Ritchi Konghi on national TV, but an international consensus voted not to be forced to see her "area"
[edit] See Also
Categories: People | Bushes | Musicians | (non)Smokers
