Katie Holmes
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βTom's church may have told you not to scream at one point, but long before that point arrived, we were all screaming silently for you!β
~ your fans on Tom Cruise
Katie Holmes was the daughter of the late porn star and detective John Holmes and "granddaughter" of the famous author Sherlock Holmes; she was also the last remaining descendant of a tribe of amphibians called Mermaids. Katie, being the daughter of John Holmes, was born with an enormous penis along with a deep vagina. An actress by profession, Katie starred in more than 50 erotic movies.
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[edit] Open Letter from Tom Cruise
Hi Folks,
This is Tom Cruise. I hope you all saw my summer blockbuster, Fountainhead Earth. It was an original story by Steven Spielberg. He really did a good job writing it. I had fun acting in it. It did a lot better than my girlfriend's movie, Batman Begins. That movie rocked, I hope you saw it.
Anyway, folks, I'm just here to say I wish I had a couch so I could jump on it! I'd really like to jump on a couch! Right now! Because, I'm here to say that I like Katie Holmes a lot. I was born in 1968 and it was always my childhood dream to meet her and marry her someday. I would always write Mrs. Katie Holmes all over my notebooks in school. *blush*
I first saw Katie's huge penis in 1990 when she was 3 years old and I've loved her ever since. Age is no barrier to love and now I just love the way she rams my prostrate with her massive 23 inch penis, no-one has ever touched the sides like Katie can.
I just wanted to come here and share some amazing facts about Katie (or as I like to call her, Ice, you know: from my movie. She doesn't like that name for some reason).
Well, I can see here that you Uncyclopedia weenies said she's a mermaid and has a giant penis and I guess you could say that! Well, you did! Ha!
Anyway, I just want to thank Oprah for all her help and for forgiving me for impregnating her sofa, only two months to go before the sofa gives birth..
Join Scientology and be a cunt like me, Tom Cruise
(This was paid for by Trey Pecker & Matt Stoned. But you already knew that)
[edit] Fun Facts
Birthday: 24th Dec. 1974
Height: 5ft. 8inches on 6th July '05.
Penis length: 23 inches
Penis Diameter 12 inches
Vital Stats: 35-23-47
- Was voted as the sexiest transvestite in the world by Peephole magazine in 1988.
- Holds the Guiness World Record for the biggest penis in the World.
- Done Sharkboy and Captain Planet simultaneously.
- Used Angelina Jolie's ass and body-double in the movie "Not Another Mermaid Movie", wherever a Butt scene was involved.
- In the top 10 most stupidest transvestites to join Scientology voted by Dolly Magazine.
- Doubled for Keira Knightley as Keira's stomach in "Keira Knightley in a White Corset and Kate Beckinsale in a Black One" (Keira Knightley had contractual clauses that exempted her from such a supporting role) in 24 hour scene in which Kate pins Keira to the floor by sitting on her chest and proceeds to deliver a monologue on Janseist Theology which totally overthrows Keira's previous faith in Jesuitical Theology, later cut from the full film but included as an extra in the Directors Cut and as an art film including actress and director commentary.
- In 2005, she began studying to be a cosmonaut and a trisexual under the tutelage of Professor Tom Cruise.
- At the age of 7 had a near fatal hopscotch accident, and received eye transplants from a squinting leper.
- Well known for being pleasured by a Moose on Family Feud.
- Famous for her role as "Egor" in "Count Duckula"
- Famous for along with L Ron Hubbard as being able to fully insert R2-D2 in her vagina.
- Famous for being the only mermaid alive to be able to handle Tom "Cockgoblin" Cruise's sperm touching her body.
- Famous for marrying the biggest cockgoblin, shit-eater in known history.
[edit] Filmography
1. Bukkake Mermaid (pre-production)
2. Not Another Mermaid Movie (production)
3. Mermaidella does Dallas
4. Who Moved My Boohukaloogie
5. Dr. Strangelove 2: How I can bone a Mermaid and a Human at the same time.
6. Homer, Flanders and Me honkin' on BoBo
7. Dude, Where are the Mermaids? (Guest Appearance)
8. Who needs the Lower Part of the Human Body, anyways (Documentary)
9. Deep Jaws 7 (Guest Appearance)
10. Dr. Do-Me-A-Little (Porno Flick)
11. Finding Nemo's PeePee 2 (Guest Appearance)
12. Hooter The Blowfish: The Porn Movie
13. Saturday The 14th.
14. The Mermaid Happy Massacres
15. West Building Fire Evacuation Procedures 1999, Version 4 (internal use only)
16. My Wedding Night Video: co-starring Tom Cruise {pre-production}
17. Katie Bones {autobiographical}
18. Keira Knightley In A White Corset and Kate Beckinsale In A Black One (Stomach double for Keira Knightley in famous 24 hour chestsitting Janseist monologue scene - now only available in The Director's Cut)
19. Tom and Me and Scientology!
20. How Not to Have a Baby... Right Tom?
21. Deep inside Tom cruise. (Cameo by Katies penis)
22. Jizzabelle Mermaid.
23. What I can fit inside my huge gaping arsehole and other scientology hits.
24. Pooting in Katie's Cooter
[edit] Quotes
- Please, help me. Call the FBI or somebody. I can't take a pee without my Observer going....Oh, Hi, honey. No, just talking to the nice reporter from 'Entertainment Tonight'!"
[edit] Trivia
Her lower body has never been photographed, but is rumoured to exist deep underground in a temple buried somewhere along the Nile.
Another fact which few know about, is that she was widely believed to be female while on Dawson's Creek. The truth came out when Holmes arrived late for a script revision rehearsal, and told the astounded cast and crew the following:
"Look, sorry I'm late, but I had a monkey bathroom break and seriously underestimated how backed up I was. Goddamn what a mess I made! Pressure was sky-high, I can tell you that! We need a janitor with a stepladder in bathroom stall three in the Men's room, pronto!"
Since it was the janitor's day off, the production company sent in Samuel Jackson with a mop instead.
[edit] Other Identities
Holmes has been known to take different forms, as is part of her half-gypsy heritage. One of her most famous forms is that of Pavel Chekov, reclusive communist and star of Buffy, The Vampire Slayer.
Another popular form of hers is that of her husband, Tom "Gay As Fuck" Cruise, which legend says she transforms into and purposely does embarrassing things to make Cruise look stupid. Most people are of the opinion that this is either unnecessary, as Cruise looks (and, obviously, is) stupid enough already, or that she's done an extremely good job, unlike her role in low budget porn flick Battlefield Earth.
[edit] Pregnancy
On October 5, 2005, Katie Holmes announced she had been infused with the spawn of Mr. Tom Cruise. Nine months later (or so, depending on, er, you know) in a moment not unlike that in the Alien movies, the child exploded from Ms. Holmes's head, become the prophet of Scientology and killed thousands of people. In the forthcoming months the beast will be killed by Andrew Sapien, along with the extermination of the alien being known as Tom Cruise. Unfortunately, until then, we will have to live in fear of more terrible movies, and a slaughtering prophet.
Many have suspected that Tom Cruise might not actually have been the sperm donor. When Suri (Stupid-Useless-Retarded-Infant) was born, her parents hid her in a brown paper bag for at least 9 months. It is thought that the real father might be Jimmy Hoffa. Some even claim to notice a resemblance. This theory is supported by Nicole Kidman who claims that Tom Cruise is incapable of having a child since he was born without a penis, although she did concede that a Tom talks a lot of bollocks and has to wipe sperm off his chin after most times he speaks so it may well have been possible for Tom to infuse his spawn in Katie or perhaps he went down on Katie whilst he still had a mouthful of sperm from blowing off Travolta. Oscar Wilde, however, has suggested that Katie may have impregnated herself, as she does have the requisite "parts" for such a feat. The FBI is investigating and indictments will probably be handed out soon.
Katie committed suicide by watching Battlefield Earth over and over again before the authorities could move in.
[edit] Celebrity Porn Video
A video of Katie Holmes engaging in sexual acts with her father, John Holmes, has been circulating on the internet as well as the Kazza/FastTrack network. On the tape, Katie performs fellatio (aka fella'atio) and the straight cowgirl position. Katie appears to visibly enjoy screwing her father on the video. Tom Cruise and Tom Hanks can be seen pathetically playing with themselves in the background, much like cuckolds in porn videos.
[edit] See Also
| This article forms part of the series on Scientology | |
| Beliefs | Space Opera ~ Xenu ~ Dianetics ~ Thetans ~ The Sacred Movements of Goa Tse | |
| Concepts | AT Field ~ Objectivism ~ The Force ~ Clear ~ Hodgepodge (the hidden truth) | |
| Practices | Kitten Huffing ~ ITASTWD | |
| People | Tom Cruise ~ Katie Holmes ~ Lestat de Lioncourt ~ John Travolta ~ Beck ~ Superman ~ Chef ~ Will Smith | |
| Enemies | You ~ Me ~ Oprah ~ South Park ~ YTMND ~ 4chan ~ The Holiday Hawk ~ Walken! ~ Rick Astley | |
