Keebler Rebellion

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The Keebler Rebellions were a series of Elvish uprisings against Santa Claus that took place between 1934 and 1978. The exact number of individual rebellions is not known for certain, since in some cases Duchy military forces under Krampus jammed or otherwise blocked communications between the North Pole and the rest of the world, preventing the international News Media from receiving accurate information about the Duchy's internal civil affairs. This has lead certain Human Rights Groups, notably the KKK, to speculate that the Keebler faction may have been mistreated, or their rights violated under the Geneva Convention, the Kittimer Accords, the Rannestad Convention, or other major treaties comprising International Humanitarian Law. However, there is no concrete evidence for these assertions.

The Keebler Faction first formed when an elf named Bert Keebler (a.k.a. Catbert, his German name) became disgruntled (postal) in 1932, when his patent design for a bubble gun was rejected by Toy Shop management (see PHB) due to an internal scuffle involving an ISO 9000 review of the shop's Accounting Procedure. Bert, joined by his brother Ernie, vowed revenge and gathered to himself what dissident employees he was able to weasel into joining his "Focus Group".

[edit] First Keebler Rebellion

Malcontent festered quietly within the group for some eighteen months, finally erupting when a young Elvish intern named Vesuvius overheard, though a meeting-room door, Santa's plans for his upcoming Honeymoon with his soon-to-be wife, Messalina (or Melinda for short) Gates. Sensing an opportunity, the brothers Bert and Ernie, conducting significant corporate subterfuge, Social Engineering, and Rubber Hose Cryptanalysis, seized control of the Toy Shop Accounting Department and diverted the entire contents of Krampus' expense account into their Focus Group's operating budget. Receiving frantic calls on his cell phone, Santa was forced to return early from his Honeymoon in order to sort out the details and restore order to the finances of the Duchy's most important industry. In the aftermath, Bert was transferred to the Sales Division and assigned to a territory in Tuvalu. This resulted in losing his annual bonus, since he was unable to make his sales quota.

[edit] Subsequent Rebellions

Ernie, however, had managed to conceal himself within a hollow in one of the trees in the Toy Shop's corporate garden, and his part in the matter was not discovered until later. Forging backdated hiring papers, Ernie secured a position of seniority and subsequently continued to lead his focus group for an additional 42 years, encouraging them to foment strife and discontent within the company whenever possible. A number of additional rebellions were held during these years. Little is known about these rebellions, because Santa, under the guise of "Duchy National Security", did not allow external auditors into the company.

[edit] Final Rebellion

In 1978, in the wake of the Camp David Accords, Keebler leveraged his position as Focus Group Chair one final time. Producing a six-inch binder filled with Vision Statements, Mission Statements, memoranda, and used Kleenex, the focus group made a bid to rewrite corporate policy in a way that would foster holistic synergy and ensure them total control of the Toy Shop. This gambit was nearly successful, until a committee headed by Krampus seized control of the networked laser printers, delaying final deployment of the binder long enough to allow it to be subjected to internal Peer Review as part of a team-building exercise, which effectively killed the Focus Group's initiative. After this incident, Ernie was forced into retirement, and the focus group came under new leadership, effectively ending forty years of rebellion.

[edit] The Great Keebler War

However, these changes did not last very long. Soon, in the year 1980, the Keebler elves fucked Mrs. Claus leading to a huge controversy which sparked a new situation. Several Keebler insurgents took Mrs Claus hostage when Santa Claus murdered the elves who fucked his wife. This situation lasted for three days, leading to a delay of Christmas. A Christmas SWAT team comprised of goblins, rescued Mrs Claus and took down the elves. THere were casualties on both sides. However, this was not the end. In 1983, Santa Claus found documents that proved that the Elf insurgents still existed and practiced witchcraft and summoned demonic imps (who fucked Mrs. Claus). Santa Claus declared war on the elves, and started an Elf holocaust, murdering millions in gas chambers. The Great Keebler war still rages on to this day.