Kefka

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The famous writer and would be destroyer of the world, Franz Kefka.

Franz Kefka was one of the major German-language writers of the 20th century. The apparent hopelessness and the absurdity that seem to permeate his works are considered emblematic of existentialism, or possibly drivel. Despite his large body work, he remains most famous for his role in the development of the hard-hat, a distinction which made him the wealthiest and happiest man in Europe for a time. He also spent a considerable amount of time working as a Gay Pride official along with Oscar Wilde and Tom Cruise.

[edit] Accomplishments in FFVI

Kefka is famous for his great accomplishments during the story of FFVI. Good examples are: Running away from you like a pussy, being a coward, pushing three statues and having a legion of fanboys just as annoying as Sephiroth's.

[edit] Works

Kefka, though obviously a brilliant writer or else an idiot, was not very prolific, producing only twenty or so short stories between 1104 and 1997. This is probably because he only ran on a 16-bit console. His stories include:

• Description of a Struggle, 1290
• The Metamorphosis, 1312
• The Warden of the Tomb, 1492
• Son of a Submariner, 1883
• Son of Son of a Submariner, 1885
• Hate, 1912
• Investigations of a Moogle, 1922
• Hop on Pop, 1992
• A Monument to Nothing, 1994
• Run! Run!, 1996
• Sand on My Boots, 1999
• Son of a Son of a Son of a Submariner, 2006
• Son of a Sandworm, 2007
• Son of a Shoining, 2008
• Dancing Mad, a year after the last one

[edit] Quotes

Kefka's writing shows him to be a generally weird and gloomy guy, as revealed through these famous quotes:

• "I will destroy everything! I will create a monument to non-existence!"
• "Nothing can beat the music of hundreds of voices screaming in unison."
• "Mercy is for wimps!"
• "This is sickening! You all sound like chapters from a self-help booklet". -his opinion on Unclyclopedia
• "Ooh, they're warm to the touch! What treasures!" - spoken whilst clutching Oscar Wilde's testicles
• "Life...Dreams...Hope...Where'd they come from? And where are they headed...? These things...I'm going to destroy!!"
• "Ahem...there's SAND on my boots!"
• "I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate HATE YOU!!"
• "Run, run, or you'll be well done!"
• "Why do you build, knowing destruction is inevitable? Why do you yearn to live, knowing all things must die?"-Excerpt from a transcript of a call to a suicide hotline Kefka managed. He was fired shortly after the caller was found overdosed on sleeping pills.

[edit] Training as a Sith lord

Unlike most Sith lords, Kefka received his training over the course of thirty seconds. His official mentor was Darth Gestahl, but he had been secretly been taking lessons from Darth Cruise. As a result, he became one of the most insane and best Sith lords ever. However, he was one of the only Sith lords to fulfill the Sith Prophecy, kind of. He chucked his MINO (Mentor-in-name-only) Gestahl off a cliff and accepted Cruise as his new, official mentor. His mission was to siphon all love from the world and give it to Cruise so he could blow it on Katie Holmes and his mentor Oprah. Eventually, however, Kefka began to hate Cruise the same way he hates everything else and killed him, too, becoming the most powerful and most chaotic Sith in the city. He was later defeated by Mr T, not before him pitying tha foo' (Chuck Norris) who blew the first try to kill him.