Kelly Clarkson
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“Subliminal messages!? lies. Any and all of my work is superliminally based.”
~ Kelly Clarkson on Accusations of Subliminal Control over America
“I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly, I'll do what it takes 'till I touch the sky.”
~ Kelly Clarkson on Superpowers
Kelly Clarkson is possibly the best singer to ever walk the face of the planet (apart from Jennifer Hudson). She was plucked from obscurity by infamous nasty man Simon Cowell in an attempt to make more money than the Osbournes. However she became too powerful for even Simon to handle and thus developed into the evil mecha-assassin that she is today. She is currently at war with her arch nemesis Clive Davis.
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[edit] Early Life
Nobody is entirely sure what Kelly Clarkson actually did before she became obscenely famous, although rumour has it that she worked in a local restaurant as either a waitress or a bouncer (it must have been a rough neighbourhood to need a bouncer in a restaurant, but they're all the rage these days). In an issue released on 14th October 2005 her puzzled father admitted to neo-feminist magazine Grazia, "I have no idea what she was doing all those years to cultivate her voice. From the age of 5 she would just leave home and disappear all day. I think she went to somewhere called school? Isn't that amazing? She wasn't doing crack. Shut up. Even then I knew she was special."
One thing that should be stressed is that Kelly was born as naturally as the rest of us. Despite the powers of her voice she did not hatch from an egg, and was not conceived in a number of ways that will not be mentioned in order to comply with this website's guidelines on overused jokes.
Kelly is very disappointed that people really want to know all about her early life. What matters is the present.
[edit] American Idol
When she was 19, Kelly decided to enter a small talent show locally. Little did she (or anyone) realise that this was in fact a front for the first ever series of American Idol, the show created by psychotic genius Simon Cowell, who had already enslaved the people of Britain through his bland 'entertainment' shows and was trying to make more money through television than his arch rivals the Osbournes. Recognizing her talent, Simon had her put through to the "NEXT ROUND" and she was kept in a wretched dungeon along with all of the other finalists for weeks before the "NEXT ROUND" began.
Simon believed that Americans had a short attention span, but that's not true, is it? (well, you would have one too if you had over 1000 TV channels to choose from) so to attract more viewers he introduced a system by which each person who left the show would be eviscerated by wild dogs in a large pit in the studio. Wait, what was I talking about? Incredibly, Kelly managed to make it to the finals and win, therefore escaping a vicious snarling fate.
It is worth noting that Kelly is the only person to ever have survived American Idol. All subsequent finalists have pissed off Simon one too many times and as a result been thrown to the dogs anyway (note that these deaths have not been publicised; Simon watches them alone for pleasure then sells their identities to Damon Albarn so that he can create yet more 'experimental' music under silly names like Gorillaz or Splot).After Idol she was Briefly engaged to Paula Abdul before she discovered that men have something Paula don't.Height.
[edit] History Of Her Divine Song
Kelly's first album, entitled A Mugging Like This, was her misguided attempt to appeal to the yoof of America. Although the album allowed the true power of her voice to shine through on occasion, it was undermined by the subjects she sang about; critics were less than impressed with the title track's talk of "popping a cap in yo' ass, ah gonna woop woop shank shank".
Again, lest ye judge Kelly at this point then it is worth noting that at this stage in her career her music and lyrics were still written by Simon Fuller, the bastard half-brother of Simon Cowell and one of the most powerful men in music. After less than pleasing album sales (it did not reach No.1 in 17 countries within a week of release because in France Je T'aime (Moi Non Le Plus) is still Top of Les Pops) Kelly confronted Simon. When he refused to reach a fitting compromise, Kelly lost her temper for the first time in her life. Although nobody is entirely sure what happened it is widely believed that, like so many things these days, castration was involved. Kelly walked out of Simon's office a free (if rather blood-stained) musician.
Her next effort, Breakaway (From Simon), was when her voice really became a household sound. By which I mean that her voice follows me everywhere. What's that, Kelly? Kill all my friends? Okay! The songs on the album, when they weren't about how much of a loser anyone called Simon was, revolved around a religious theme. This is why she has been described as The Voice of an Angel. If you honestly think that title is in fact affiliated with Charlotte Church then you are mistaken; she was actually dubbed the Vice of an Angel because the sporting press felt her drinking escapades were affecting the performance of her boyfriend, the angelic rugby player Gavin Henson.
Her 3rd album, My Oh My, December was released in a storm of albums; Kelly had the unique idea of distributing free singles of Never Again over Montreal by plane. Sadly, this publicity stunt lived up to the single's name. After 379 people were hospitalized, two of whom died, Kelly agreed not to repeat this anywhere else in the world.
The songs on this album were deeper than anything she had ever recorded, with Kelly singing about alcoholism (used as a metaphor for love), Judas (used as a metaphor for betrayal in love) and even isolation (possibly to do with not being loved). There is an unfortunate reason behind this; after the 2nd album just about every teenage boy and girl in America wanted to go down on her and as a result she found herself being used in her relationships. She has since sworn to stay single for 5 years and now completely refuses to speak to anyone called Simon, or listen to Simon and Garfunkel, or acknowledge the existence of anyone called Simone because "it is simply Simon disguising its foul intent behind the most common letter in the alphabet".
[edit] Work Beyond Music
The most obvious point to make is that by doing bad things to Simon Fuller's genitals, Kelly destroyed half of the Fuller-Cowell Pact that once dominated Western Civilisation's entertainment. This shocked Simon Cowell so much he fled back to England. The amusing thing about this is that without Fuller, the Pop Idol franchise collapsed and Simon was forced to make X Factor. This inferior show is only watched in the opening rounds just to see talentless masochists get pasted by Simon, who is nastier than ever due to the fact that he actually had to employ his nemesis Sharon Ozzzzzbourne as a judge, and she earns a bigger salary than him, so his original goal has failed horribly. Without Kelly's actions, we could all be Simon's bitches rather than Simon being the bitch of the Osbournes. What goes around comes around, or something.
Some people believe that Kelly's voice can cure illnesses. This has yet to be proven although at one concert a high note did knock the plaque off a fan's teeth. Of these alleged healing powers, Kelly once said with a sweet smile, "I don't really think my voice is that special. Besides which, I personally believe that only the Lord has the power to heal so I don't want to make any blasphemous claims." Isn't she wonderful?
As somebody who was held in a stank jail during the filming of [[American Idol]], Kelly is all too aware what this can be like, so she supports Amnesty International. Back when they were still working together, Simon Fuller convinced Kelly to record a single to raise money for this charity; the chosen song was penned by the lovechild of nu-metal and Goofy, Fred Durst, and was titled "Gimme Yo' Fuggin Cash So I Can Bust Fools Outta Da Clink". It sold just seven copies, raising about $13.57 worldwide for the charity. This was possibly the start of Kelly's problems with Simon.
Kelly also fights crime on city streets in a leather jumpsuit. Few have survived the experience but those who have reported that she was so beautiful that they began to weep openly and beg for mercy. And that was just the women. She never spares men.
[edit] Anti Kelly Clarkson
Amazingly, despite her best efforts to win over the Earth's population through song and charitable work, some people actually dislike Kelly. These people are awesome. This is not an opinion; this is a medically proven fact. Such people claim that:
- Kelly doesn't write her own music
- Kelly is ugly
- Kelly can't sing
- Kelly is shallow
- Kelly isn't rock and roll enough
- Kelly only cares about publicity
- Kelly is a sucubus
- SHES A DYKE NO REALLY JUST LOOK AT HER
These points, while they are valid, are also wrong. Just look at the real facts:
- Kelly does write her own music along with a select team of writers who spend three months reading her private diaries and drinking nothing but her tears in order to understand her and how she wants her music to sound
- Kelly is beautiful, both on the outside and, as a recent endoscopy revealed, on the inside
- Kelly CAN sing, just in dulcet tones too angelic for some of the heretics to hear
- Kelly is deeper than the oceans
- Kelly IS a lesbian (ooops, don't let that one out of the bag just yet)
- Kelly used to be the lead singer for Terminally Your Aborted Ghost. Is that rock and roll enough for you?
- Kelly only cares about YOU. And everyone. Since in her eyes we are all God's children
[edit] Discography
[edit] Albums
[edit] A Mugging Like This (2001)
- The Trouble With Love Is It Exists (Quickie)
- Miss Incoherent
- Lump
- Some Kind Of Monster
- Wazzzzup Loser?
- Just Missed The Train (Gonna Hijack A Car)\
- B.I.G - Style Disaster
- You Thought Wrong (Mothaf*cka)
- Fistful
- Any Time You Want Some Booty
- A Mugging Like This
- Before Your Love (I Wasn't Pregnant)
- Bestiality
[edit] Breakaway (From Simon) (2004)
- Breakaway (From Simon)
- Since U Been Gutted, Simon
- Behind These Heavenly Eyes
- Because Of You, Simon
- Gone (Is Simon)
- Addicted To God
- Where Is Your Heart, Simon? And Liver, And Spleen?
- Walk Away And Follow Jesus
- You Found Me Lord
- I Hate Myself For Denying You Three Times Before The Cockerel Crowed
- Hear Me Jebus
- B.I.G - Style Disaster (Live with gospel choir)
[edit] My Oh My, December (2007)
- Never Again, ok one more time
- One Hot Minute
- Hole (Don't Ask)
- Sober Me Up
- Don't Waste Your Time On Me, You Cheap B*stards, I Am An Independent Woman Now So Take Your Thrill-Seeking C*cks To A #####, You Thought You Could Use Me But If I Wasn't So Righteous I Would Destroy You
- Judas Gonna Get You - released as a single in Peru under the name Run Lola Run
- Haunted By Simon
- Be Still And Shut Up: The Boyfriend From Hell (I Saw Satan That Day)
- Maybe I Should Enact Revenge
- How I Feel (Evidently Furious With Men)
- Yeah, You Must Be Getting Bored After 11 Tracks Of Hatred And Misery So Here's A Song With A Trumpet Riff
- Can I Have A Kiss That DOESN'T Involve Trying To Suck My Tongue Out?
- Irvine (I Dunno What It's About Either)
[edit] Singles
- A Mugging Like This
- A Mugging Like This was written for the super "talented" "winner" of American Idol's first season. After Kelly won, she released the song as a single and filmed a music video featuring cameos by Geri Halliwell and Ashlee Simpson as a couple of Puerto Rican thugs who steal Kelly's money and thong after her boyfriend Condoleezza Rice sold her baby on the black market. The song became a #1 hit in every country except Puerto Rico because they opted to make the song their national anthem instead.
- Miss Incoherent
- This song was released as the second single from her debut and was originally written by that other pregnant ho who kissed Madge. Unfortunately for Clarkson, most people thought it was Christina Aguilera and ignored it. When it was announced this was the last single, the rest of the world sighed with relief until her next single three years later.
- Breakaway (From Simon)
- Kelly Clarkson began suffering from depression after her first album sucked so hard that she began writing hatemail to American Idol alumni, which became her second album. Fortunately, the only people who listened the song were those dull idiots who control Adult Contemporary radio and that's the only place that played the song.
- Since U Been Gutted, Simon
- After the first single failed to find the mainstream audience, this heavy metal song was released as the second single and gained airplay from the song people who like other hardcore rock artists like Avril Lavigne.
- Because Of You, Simon
- The third single describes the affair Clarkson had with Paula Abdul and how she was almost kicked off American Idol because of Simon. The song was released while Clarkson was in rehab with Courtney Love and that old chick from The Golden Girls.
- Walk Away And Follow Jesus
- After three non-stop singles of Simon bashing, Clarkson's label thought the world might get tired of it and decided the new fad should be Jesus, who mowed Clarkson's lawn. The single became a big hit and Clarkson shat herself.
- Never Again, Ok One More Time
- This was the first single released from the third album, which failed miserably after a plain accident that left 3 dead and nearly 400 hospitalized. The song brought forth Clarkson's new style: depressed.
- Sober Me Up
- The second single from the third album was written by Courtney Love with whom Clarkson spent time in rehab. Consequently, no one wanted to hear it.
- Because of Jew
- When depression didn't sink in well with fans, Clarkson decided to collaborate with robot and supposed inbred hillbilly, Reba McEntire. The song gained Clarkson some country music stardom and the two have since decided to be married as soon as Reba is classified as a human... like in Bicentennial Man.
