Ken Jennings

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“What is "fucking cheater"?”

~ Ken Jennings on Jeopardy

“I taught him everything he knows.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Ken Jennings

“What is "the above quote is completely accurate".”

~ Ken Jennings on the above quote

Ken Jennings was once an elf in Santa's shop where the working conditions were that of a third world sweatshop. Jennings had a dream to become a dentist, but never spoke of it because Santa would whip any elf who entertained the idea of leaving his factory.

On May 1, 1969 Timothy Leary, Hunter S. Thompson and some guy whose name nobody remembers landed on Santa's evil Coast Of Indenture to free the enslaved elves.

To their astonishment only one wanted to be freed, Ken Jennings. The rest said they were happy to whistle in the dark and sleep on rusty nails, which they did.

Leary, Thompson and the other guy brought Jennings back to the United States where Jennings lived out a full life in New York City with his partner Oscar Wilde and ran a successful, private dental practice until his death on December 25, 2019.

Oh yeah, he also won a bunch of times on Jeopardy. This was partially due to the fact that he was indeed an American citizen. Ken Jennings also discovered President Lincoln's elusive gold cache on March 11, 2011.

Jennings, however, lost in the Ultimate Tournament of Champions to Brad Rutter. Most Jeopardy fans consider Jennings's stubborn refusal to buy any vowels during the tournament to be the primary reason for his defeat. It only costs $250 to buy a vowel on Jeopardy, an extremely modest amount compared to what Jennings had already won. However, Jennings decided to be even more of a smug little prick than he usually is during the last Final Jeopardy and try to simply answer the question on his own. Rutter, on the other hand, paid the $500 to buy an "E" and an "O", which greatly assisted him in coming up with the correct response of "Who are Carpenter and Cooper?".

After losing in the game show royal, he then decided that the tower of babel should be reconstructed to reach the Mormon god in which he worshiped. The project lasted three days and was then destroyed by an Englishmen.