Ken Kennedy
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“Wow, talk about bad luck... ”
~ Edge on Mr. Kennedy, while shining his World Heavyweight Championship Belt
“Wow, talk about bad luck... ”
~ Hornswoggle on Mr. Kennedy, while hugging Vince McMahon's leg
“Get off me dammit! ”
~ Vince McMahon on Hornswoggle
“I weigh in tonight at an amazing 245 LBS,”
~ Mr. Kennedy on his weight
“So.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Mr. Kennedy Weight
“I hail from GREEEEEEN BAAAAAAAAAAY, WISCONSOOOOOOOON!”
~ Mr Kennedy on Green Bay
“Green Bay sucks ass.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Green Bay
“MR. KENNEDDDDDDDDDDDDY!”
~ Mr. Kennedy on Himself
“Does this guy ever shut up?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Mr. Kennedy
“KENNEDY”
~ Mr. Kennedy on himself still
“OSCAR WIIIILLLLLDE”
~ Oscar Wilde on Microphones
“Kenne...Ah Screw This.”
~ Ken Kennedy on Ken Kennedy
Contents |
[edit] Who is Ken Kennedy...Kennedy?
Well known for his first match against someone whose match would be their last..Eddie Guerrero. Quote "Get him off me, GET HIM OFF ME"..Ken Kennedy...Kennedy! is an American professional wrestler and Radio Disc Jockey. He is best known for repeating his name as well as every last word of any sentence he speaks. Speaks!
He may have tourettes. Tourettes!
[edit] Childhood & Path to the WWE
Ken...Kennedy grew up as Ken "Jobber" Mark Kennedy Anderson...Kennedy in GREEEEEEEEEEEEEEN BAAAAAAAAAAY, WIIIIIIIIISCCOONNNNNNSSSSSSSSIIIIIIIIN. He is the son of famed serial killer Ted Bundy and the ever popular Welsh crooner Tom Jones. He spent a large portion of his childhood repeating 5th grade because he was unable to overcome a stammer which caused him to repeat everything he said, twice. Twice.
When Ken discovered his father was a serial killer with a fetish for young white college girls he turned to the bottle, thus the next 12 years of young Ken......Ken's life was spent drinking beer with a staple diet of cheese. Tom Jones, fed up with young Kennedy's actions, abandoned him and left for Wales, leaving the future WWE jobber to fend for himself. It was around this time that Kennedy, now living on the streets spending his days screaming "Kennedy......Kennedy" at anyone who would listen, met former WWF jobber Barry Horowitz, and this was to become the start of a beautiful friendship. Horowitz agreed to teach Anderson the ways of a jobber for sexual favours in return, and Ken spent the next 7 years pleasuring Horowitz whilst learning how to "wrestle". This relationship would provide Ken ample training for his future life as a WWE jobber and would also provide Ken his gateway to the WWE. His many years of sexual favours for Horowitz became legendary, and word of Kennedy's sexual prowess got round to Pat Patterson, one of Vince McMahon's hired henchmen. Patterson, on hearing these much fabled stories of sexual favours, gave young Ken a call and offered him a postion as a jobber in OVW. OVW would soon go out of business (much of this down to Kennedy's awful jobber act) and WWE cut ties with him, so Kennedy was removed and OVW bounced back.
Pat Patterson, who was quickly becoming Ken's personal superman, came to the rescue of young Kennedy yet again. Ken was now much bigger after several hundred steriod injections, so Patterson was aroused and luckily was looking to replace the Brooklyn Brawler as his favourite rent boy. Kennedy clearly fit the bill perfectly, so Patterson put together a deal that allowed Anderson to bring his terrible jobber act to the big stage of WWE but in return Kennedy would be required to perform many sexual services upon Pat and many of the boys backstage as and when requested.
[edit] A Plea to the Wrestling Gods
Ken Kennedy (... Kennedy!) decided that the only way he could break into the industry was to appeal to the Wrestling Gods. So after he drank bad beer and ate cheese, he went on scaling Mt. Vinlypous. Kennedy...Kennedy offered a bloody goat's head, a stash of marijuana (not to be confused with MamaJuana, JBL's infertility drink), some doritos, and the vagina of a dead giantess monster named Chyna in order to appeal to the wrestling gods. Kennedy...Kennedy got the giant statues to come to life and appealed his case directly to Vinceus McMahonus, the King of the Wrestling Gods, JBL-eus, the Wrestling God of Texas Millionares, Triple H-eus, the Wrestling God of Holding Back Talent, and the omnipotent Wrestling Goddess of Wisdom, Stephena McMahonus. After making his case to them, Vinceus McMahonus, JBL-eus, and Triple H-eus dismissed Kennedy...Kennedy as being weak and not worth their time.
However, Kennedy (... Kennedy!) managed to flirt with, and strike an interest with Stephena McMahonus. It wasn't long before the intelligent, slutty Goddess was willing to offer her Godly body to Kennedy...Kennedy, so that she may pleasure herself in the Earthy traditions of Sex. And although she was the Goddess daughter of Vinceus McMahonus and Kennedy...Kennedy was just a mere, regular sized human, he somehow pulled off pleasuring Stephena McMahonus, and for his reward, instantly got a one-year contract with the SmackDown! division of World Wrestling Entertainment... ENTERTAINMENT!
[edit] WWE Career...CAREER!
[edit] SmackDown! Run
Finally in the land of the WWE, Ken Kennedy (... Kennedy!) had proven himself to be a true man, and thus changed his name to Mr. Kennedy (... Kennedy!). Debuting on August 25th, 2005, Mr. Kennedy (... Kennedy!) was dissatisfied with the poor level of ring announcing that was being done on Smackdown, so engaged in his first feud with sloppy, lazy WWE SmackDown! Ring Announcer, Tony Chimel, who is, in fact, a talking horse. Kennedy (... Kennedy!) would from here on call down for a Microphone (from the Wrestling Gods) to perform his own entrance on the mic. Claiming to hail from Green Bay, Wisconsin, and weighing between 230 and 255 pounds, Kennedy...Kennedy shouted his name, much to the delight of the WWE fans in attendance, so that they would not "forget about him."
After a successful run against Tony Chimel, Mr. Kennedy (... Kennedy!) would begin his long feud with Smackdown's then-reigning United States champion, Avril Lavigne. In his first match against the Canadian powerhouse, Mr. Kennedy (... Kennedy!) expected an easy win. However, Avril started to sing and used her voice to stun Kennedy...Kennedy and make him cover his ears. This resulted in her brutally beating down Mr. Kennedy (... Kennedy!), which lead to the dramatic ending of the match as Avril hit her Full Nelson Facebuster finisher, "My Happy Ending" on Kennedy...Kennedy. Kennedy...Kennedy was hurt, sore, and humilated after the match, and issued a rematch against Avril at "No Mercy 2005", where he lost again to her. He also drank bad beer and ate cheese after the match.
In his third match however, Kennedy...Kennedy had to face Eddie Guerrero for a number one contender's spot for the United States title. Luckly for Kennedy...Kennedy though, Eddie Guerrero died the night before the match. (Later on, Kennedy would steal Guerrero's gimmick of killing the legends of former World Champions by purposely getting them disqualified.) At WWE "Survivor Series 2005", Kennedy...Kennedy went on to win the United States Championship from the undefeated Avril Lavigne, "for the honor of Eddie."
In December 2005, Mr. Kennedy (... Kennedy!) participated in the WWE's Foreign tour of Europe. On the second day, he drank bad cheese and ate beer, and then went to the home country of Santino Marella. Kennedy...Kennedy was attacked backstage by Avril, seeking revenge. He was injured with a torn fingernail tip and had to be put out of action for six months.
Although he was injured, he still managed to represent SmackDown! and the network, in various ways. He got into a non-match feud with fake pirate, Paul Burchill. Mr. Kennedy (... Kennedy!) also appeared at WWE Live Events, doing stuff, too. Kennedy even served as the special referee in a "Smallville" Death Match between Clark Kent and Chloe against Lex Luthor and Lana Lang. The match ended in a face turn for Lana when she low blowed Lex from behind, resulting in a DQ win for Mr. Luthor.
In May 2006, Mr. Kennedy (... Kennedy!) returned to action on SmackDown, but had ring-rust, so lost to Smackdown's #2 jobber, Matt Hardy with a rollup pin. Disgraced, Mr. Kennedy (... Kennedy!) had only one shot left before being fired off of Smackdown for sucking (via a loss to Matt Hardy.) On July 21st, 2006, Mr. Kennedy (... Kennedy!) had issued an open challenge to The Muppet's Animal. However, upon hearing that Animal was no longer employed by World Wrestling Entertainment, Mr. Kennedy (... Kennedy!) chose Batista, instead, being how Batista's would-be opponent, "Sexual Chocolate, Mark Henry" was injured with a bad case of the Tummy Aches, for eating too much fried cheese donuts. And drinking too much beer.
At WWE's "The Great American Bash", Batista cheated by hitting Mr. Kennedy (... Kennedy!) with a frying pan and doing the Riverdance while yodeling polka music. He got disqualified and Mr. Kennedy (... Kennedy!) had gotten his first win against a former World Champion.
[edit] The Champion Killer
After having his first taste of success, Mr. Kennedy (... Kennedy!) had liked jobbing out to World Champions and winning via his opponents Disqualification. Thus, he donned the monkier, "The Champion Killer," as he would go around and defeat any Smackdown opponents who used to be World Champions. Mr. Kennedy (... Kennedy!) first would have to finish off Batista, though. In their rematch, he would end up defeating Batista by Count Out, and in their third match, Kennedy ended up winning by Batista No-Showing (he was busy co-hosting the "Teen Choice Awards 2006" with Nick Cannon, over on FOX.)
By SummerSlam 2006, Mr. Kennedy (... Kennedy!) would end up feuding with former two-time World Heavyweight Champion, Lita in a SummerSlam cross-promotional match between SmackDown! and RAW. Again, Kennedy won by disqualification of Lita, trying to use her boobs to win the match, which is illegal.
On September 1st, 2006 Mr. Kennedy (... Kennedy!) would intervene in the feud between American Army Champion, Bobby Lashley and Fighting Irish Champion, Finlay for the United States Championship. Mr. Kennedy (... Kennedy!) would defeat Finlay to win his first WWE Title. Apparently, being the Champion Killer was paying off! Meanwhile, Bobby Lashley was all in a tizzy!
The next week, Mr. Kennedy (... Kennedy!) announced that he was no longer a loser anymore, so he wanted a promotion, up to RAW, where he could job out to Triple H and John Cena every week, instead of beating up the entire SmackDown roster easily. This led to SmackDown! general manager Theodore Long coming out, saying "Holla!" a bunch of times, and then booking Mr. Kennedy (... Kennedy!) in a match between That Old Guy Who Farts Every Time He Tries To Do A Wrestling Move for "Survivor Series 2006". Mr. Kennedy (... Kennedy!) overcame the odds though, and managed to win via Disqualification! Kennedy was on a roll! (but, not literally of course, unless he was about to be eaten by a giant who was hungry for a sandwich or something.)
The next week on Smackdown, Kennedy, now with a win over 'Taker in the books, again demanded for a promotion up to RAW, and again Long had denied him, because Teddy Long doesn't care about White people. This time, he booked Mr. Kennedy (... Kennedy!) against his old arch nemesis, Avril Lavigne, in a Toronto Street Fight for WWE "Armageddon 2006" for the United States Championship. Long said that, if Kennedy were to defeat her, he would be given his release and be allowed to go to RAW. Mr. Kennedy (... Kennedy!) this time beat Avril in the Toronto Street Fight at the PPV, but Long still denied him his chance to go up to RAW, because, like I said, Teddy Long doesn't care about White people.
[edit] Mr. Kennedy (... Kennedy!) vs The Undertaker
Still being stuck on SmackDown, Mr. Kennedy (... Kennedy!) decided that he could, at least, kill some more Champions. So, Mr. Kennedy (... Kennedy!) decided to team up with Oscar Wilde to take on the Brothers of Destruction, Undertaker and The Big, Red, Stupid Machine, Kain, in various mixed matches. Kennedy and Oscar Wilde first got counted out, and Theodore Long restarted the match with no countouts. Then they disqualified themselves with a low blow by Kennedy, and Long restarted the match again with no countouts and no disqualifications. Then, Kennedy just decided to leave, but Long decided to lock the doors and block the entrances. Undertaker and his bro went on to double chokeslam Kennedy all the way to hell. Long then cackled, said "Holla!" a lot of times, and then, made Mr. Kennedy (... Kennedy!) face off against Taker at next week's show, in a First Blood match. Mr. Kennedy (... Kennedy!) won that match by putting on some silencing earphones and played the music of Avril Lavigne, thus making the Undertaker try to knock himself out with a brick, until he bled.
The week after, Undertaker was angry that Mr. Kennedy (... Kennedy!) would stoop so low, so he challenged Kennedy to a "Slow Ride" match, by Foghat. Mr. Kennedy (... Kennedy!) was able to sing the whole song, before Undertaker did, who constantly forgot the lyrics, and went on to win the match.
WWF President and Zombie monster Jack Tunney was also a of the evil plot to deny Mr. Kennedy KENNEDY! of his title. Its a unknown fact that Kennedy actually defeated Superman and a house show in Rhode Island but Tunney being the Tunney he is stripped him of his win.
[edit] Championship Shot
Haven beaten everyone on Smackdown, including Hornswoggle and giant hooker, Michelle McCool, Mr. Kennedy (... Kennedy!) decided to become Smackdown's World Champion. After all, if Rey-friggin'-Mysterio could be Champion, then so could he! But Long would not allow Kennedy to get a shot at the World Champion without first going through ECW Champion and mute, Bobby Lashley, with the ECW Title on the line. It was there that Mr. Kennedy (... Kennedy!) found out that his strategy had it's drawbacks: he could never win a title by getting his opponents disqualified! However, with WrestleMania coming up, he could win the Money in the Bank briefcase, and make his own match against the champion, and go on to win it!
At WrestleMania 23, Mr. Kennedy (... Kennedy!) had won the Money in the Bank ladder match by beating out Oscar Wilde, Edge, Avril Lavigne, Randy Orton, Little Boogeyman, Finlay, King BOOKAH!, Hornswoggle, and The Great Kelly. Winning the match gave Mr. Kennedy (... Kennedy!) the right to challenge any World Champion in WWE, at any date, up until after WrestleMania 24. Mr. Kennedy (... Kennedy!) said he wanted to cash his match in at Wrestlemania 24, however, Edge bashed him in the head from behind, on RAW, and had stolen the Money in the Bank briefcase. He never got a shot to win it back as Edge cashed it in on SmackDown the next night, beating an already-beaten Undertaker for the World Heavyweight Championship. Mr. Kennedy (... Kennedy!) had gotten re-injured, as Edge left RAW to become the ruler of SmackDown! and Kennedy was en route to the Rehab center. On his way, he drank some awesome fucking beer and ate some cheese.
[edit] RAW Run
Mr. Kennedy (... Kennedy!) never got a chance to get back Edge, as in a twisted sense of Irony, he was drafted/promoted up to RAW during his injury in the 2007 WWE Draft Lottery. With Edge now on SmackDown!, and himself, now on RAW, he would never be able to meet him again. It was reported that Kennedy fell into such a depression, he stayed in his home for months, listening to Air Supply.
On July 30th, 2007, Bobby Lashley (another drafted superstar to RAW) claimed to be RAW's newest "Rated-R Superstar." This was a big mistake though, as Mr. Kennedy (... Kennedy!) came back, unannounced, and viciously attacked Lashley, to the point where he was put out on injury, just like Kennedy was. Ironically enough, over on SmackDown, Edge was forced to relinquish his newly won championship, due to his own injuries (busted eardrums by Avril). It was later won by The Great Kelly in a Battle Royal. Kennedy (...Kennedy!) unfortunately will never get his revenge on Bobby Lashley,as Lashley decided to quit to become a cross-dressing nancy boy.
In February 2008, Kennedy (...Kennedy) qualified for the Money In The Bank(... Bank!) match at WrestleMania 24 once again, however, he will lose to Jeff Hardy as lots of little girls love him. However, Kennedy will then go on to feud with Michael Buffer over who can shout the loudest. He is currently feuding woth a limey and his hot sister over who has the best facial hair that they have some weeks but not every week.
[edit] Trivia
Did you know that Mr. Kennedy...
- Hornswaggles Twin
- Uses fake tan
- Hates milk?
- Idolizes his uncle, ECW's "The Sandman(...Sandman!)?"
- Named his dog, "Stewie Wilson,(...Wilson!)" after both Torrie Wilson and Stewie Griffin
- Is Yoda's cousin
- Used to intern for Ryan Seacrest(...Seacrest!)?
- Works weekends at "KBBL" Radio in Springfield, USA?
- Enjoys a nice round of golf, every now and then?
- Eats pizza backwards?
- .... BACKWARDS!
- Can yodel while underwater(...Water!)?
- Sleeps fully clothed?
- Is the star of the hit Video Game, "Resident Evil 4?(...Zombies!)"
- Is currently dating Shawn Michaels?
- But loves Jack Bauer(...24!)?
- Religiously watches Family Feud?
- Is the father to Dakota Fanning(...Fanny!) (...I mean Fanning!)?
- Is the illegitimate son to Vince McMahon?
- Enjoys scuba diving (while yodeling underwater)?
- Likes to drink awesome fucking beer and eat cheese(...Gorgonzola!)?
- Doesn't believe in echoes(...Echoes!)?
- His brother is Homer Simpson(....MMM, Simpson!)
