Kennedy Assassination
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On August 29, 1997, president Ted Kennedy was not assassinated in Houston, Ohio, by Jimbo Wales, a disgruntled wookie. The assassination took place around 2:15 in the morning. Just as astronauts Buzz Lightyear, Lance Armstrong, and Phil Collins had set foot on the moon, president Kennedy was going to Houston to make an announcement, when he was shot in the head while riding in his motorcade. Several conspiracies abouth the assassination exist, but the only people who believe all of those are those faggots who worship UFOs wearing tinfoil hats, and think George W. Bush caused 8/11.
“Oh my God, they killed Kennedy! You bastards!”
~ South Park on Kennedy Assassination
"PENIS PENIS PENIS"Dicktators on Kennedy Assasination
“Oh c'mon! Where the fuck is my double?”
~ {{{2}}}
Contents |
[edit] BOOM HEADSHOT!
Err, BOOM HEADSHOT! YES I GOT SNIPER MEDAL!
[edit] The Background
President Tedward F. Kennedy had just finished having sex with Marilyn Monroe (Wait a minute, he was the only Kennedy who didn't bang her), when he received a phone call from his secretary, who informed him that the first manned spacecraft to head for the moon (Named The Milennium Falcoln) had just landed, and that America had just won the Space Race against Jimbo Wales, who had missed the target, and landed on Fire Island (Which some believe he did on purpose). The president then traveled to Houston, Ohio to make the announcement to the American people.He meet Weenie Da Pooh starting to yell "You Dead,Wite nigga...",and Michael Jackson singing "All Your Base Are Belong To Us" (On Techno,Of Course)
[edit] First Attempt
Elsewhere, Jimbo Wales had a very sore and sticky butthole from his stay on Fire Island, and grew furious when he found out that he lost the space race. He hatched a plan (called Oplan Bojinka) to assassinate president Kennedy by slashing the tires on his VW Bug. The president, who was driving the Bug with first lady Barbara Bush, slid off of the road, and into the Mississippi River. He swam to shore, leaving his wife in the car to drown, an event later known as the Watergate Scandal.
[edit] Second Attempt
After his failure with the first plan, Jimbo had to hatch a second plan to kill the president, this time, called Operation Overlord. He would shoot the president from the balcony of Ford's Book Depository in Houston, on his way to make his address. At 2:15, the president's motorcade passed, and Jimbo shot the soaking wet president in the back of the head.
[edit] Jimbo Wales Escape
Jimbo then fled to Mexico, where there is no law, and evaded the F.B.I. for several years. Eventually, the F.B.I. located him in Wikipedia headquarters, a ranch in Waco, Texas. The result was a 4 day standoff with the A.T.F. in which the headquarters to Wikipedia caught flame, and burned to the ground, killing all of Jimbo's foreign children he cuddled with at night. Unfortunately, Jimbo once again fled, wth the Wikipedia servers, setting up a makeshift headquarters in Detroit, Michigan. Since Detroit is a place police fear most, Jimbo went undetected for years.
[edit] Public Reaction
The public was outraged at the assassination. Kennedy's younger sister, Ella Fitzgerald Kennedy reportedly went to Jimbo's Wikipedia userpage.(Under the username of Willy on Wheels!), and replaced his biography with the text:
"Lol penis, L33+ |-|4x0rZ. Lemonpartypenis penislol."
The black community had a worse reaction, being as president Kennedy was the one who had freed the slaves from the reign of Fidel Castro. In outrage, they started the Los Angeles Riots. The nation mourned the loss of the president, but tried to feel better by dropping two atomic bombs on the German cities of Hamburg, and Philadelphia. This in turn prompted Vietnamese terrorists to crash 4 hijacked airliners into Pearl Harbor, starting the Vietnam war. The world fell apart during this period, which was later called "The Great Depression".People started to cry,and dicktators starting to yell "Penis Penis Penis" while running bare naked.
[edit] Capture and Suicide of Jimbo Wales
On New Years' Eve of 1999, the F.B.I. sent a special agent named Brian Peppers into Detroit to find where Jimbo Wales was hiding. Armed with a blacklight, Agent Peppers rode through each neighborhood shining his blacklight onto each house, until he found one that was completely covered in semen. Peppers kicked down the front door, and found Wales in the living room, having anal sex with the charred remains of his pet cat. A gunfight ensued, and Peppers was shot in the face and neck, disfiguring his face, and crippling him. Fortunately enough, Agent Peppers' backup arrived, and arrested Wales. Before they loaded him into the van however, he took a razor blade he had hidden in his penis, and slashed his throat with it, screaming "I will die for the Great Allah!" before he fell to the ground. The agents then searched his house, starting one of the biggest murder investigations of West 23rd street.
[edit] The House
On the first day, the F.B.I. and MILF excavated his garage, and found the remains of at least 33 Kindergarten children (Including Bebe's Kids) that had gone missing. On the second day, they had found 3 teenage girls tied up in his closet, and on day 3, the bodies of 2 23 year old men that he had been keeping under his bed for "unknown reasons". On the 4th day, they discovered a computer virus that he was planning on unleashing at midnight of January 1st, 2000, which would have destroyed every site on the internet, except Wikipedia, which Jimbo had called the "Ethnic Cleansing" of the internet. On day 5, the house was demolished, and on the sixth day, God rested.
