Kentuckistan

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“Did I ever get laid there? I can't remember...”

~ James Bond on Kentuckistan

“Oh yes we did.”

~ Oscar Wilde on James Bond on Kentuckistan

“Don't forget about me.”

~ Your Mom on the above quotes

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Kentuckistan.

Кентуккистан
The Great Commonwealth of Kentuckistan
Kentuckistan


(Flag)	(Coat of Arms)

Motto: So, she's my sister. And? So!?

Anthem: Red Star Kentuckistan

Capital

Элизабеттаун aka Elizabethtown

Largest city

Louisville

Official languages

Russian, Chinese

Government

Communism

-Premier

Beshear the Undieing

-Lieutenant Governor

Darth Mongiardo

Average temperature

75°F (23.9 °C)

Maximum temperature

100°F (37.8 °C)

Ethnic groups

Russian, Korean, Red Chinese, Bears, and those pesky Mongolians

National Hero(es)

Hot Karl

Declaration

Currency

units of Rubles

Religion

N/A

Major exports

Bourbon, Tobacco, STDs and 12 year old mothers

Major imports

Virgins (Female) and Clogging Shoes

Intelligence Agency

The KGB

Time zones

Eastern: UTC -5/ DST -6
Central: UTC -4/ DST -5

National antagonists

Capitalist Pigs

Favourite pastime

Tetris, Enriching Uranium, Working

Kentuckistan, part of the former Soviet Union, was only granted statehood in 1993. Until then, it was a Communist-State existing in the South-Eastern United States. Kentuckistan is amazing, and you would be an idiot for not going.

It says so right here in the brochure. It is currently ruled by Emperor Beshear the Undieing and Darth Daniel Mangiardo, The Man To Praise Casino.

His Eminence Lord Beshear

1 History
2 Currently
3 Demographics
4 University of Kentuckistan
5 Language
6 Geography and Climate
7 Aggressive Chicken Syndrome (ACS)
8 Notable Kentuckistanis
9 Other Famous Things From Kentuckistan

[edit] History

Originally founded by Daniel Boone, a self-proclaimed Marxist, in 1854. Boone wished to create his own country, free from taxation, capitalism, clothing, and the need to marry outside the immediate family. However, his efforts failed, when bourbon springs were found in the south central reigon; and, as a result, Kentuckistan was acquired by the U.S. government in 1859, and later used as a trade

Kentuckistan State Capitol building, Home of Ernie Fletcher The Great and Terrible

in for Alaska when it was purchased from Russia by the United States.

Russia quickly released several thousand refugees (criminals and bears) into the state, allowing them to set up a self-governing Lumberjack-Country. They later converted to a form of crude communism in the 1920s. During Prohibition, Kentuckistanis could often be found smuggling bourbon over the border into America for transport to Louisiana. A small skirmish was fought on the border on January 17, 1921 during which famed warrior, Chris Farley single-handedly ate over six smugglers in under three minutes. Though Prohibition was repealed, Kentuckistanis still live in fear of the late Farley, who contracted Salmonela from one of the smugglers and collapsed in a Golden Corral Buffet during a check up on KYSTN in 1996 registering 9.7 on the Richter Scale and destroying the city of Lexington.

During the Cold War, Kentuckistan was forced to proclaim neutrality as part of the Mutually Assured Destruction (MAD) program; in the event of a nuclear war, Kentuckistan would not be destroyed by the U.S., and being a part of the Eastern bloc, forced Russia into only being able to launch strikes against the Western U.S. It secretly supplied information to both eastern and western governments for its own monetary gain, and eventually tried to buy its independence from its homeland. In the 1980s during the Reagan administration and the Red Scare, the country was considered to be in great danger of invasion, or even destruction. Mother Russia withdrew all support from Kentuckistan, and was eventually invaded and captured by U.S. forces in 1988. However, only during the mid-nineties did it officially become a U.S. territory with the collapse of the Soviet Union.

(Kentuckistan was previously named Kentucky, until a war which was started was brought home. Pakistan ((and all those other (((weird named))) places)) took over and took our presidential spot with their own. This man ((or woman)) as some might say, was named George W. Bush. He became a traitor to his own nation of Tardistan. Now he has started a war with us and them, and Tardistans allis, this war became known as "The Iraq War", and currently continues today, with no end in sight. George W. Bush has given up and now the state of Kentucky is now known as Kentuckistan. It was given because of its rich heritage of "Incest" which we believe Iraqi's love.)

[edit] Currently

After conversion to Semi-Capitalism, the state functions normally by all standards, including a regular State-Government and free markets. The population has slowly risen in the years since it has opened its borders to outsiders.

[edit] Demographics

Kentuckistani Youth.

With a total population of just over 3,783,000 (roughly estimated by modern experts), and not all related. The state of Kentuckistan is composed of 53% Chinese, 45% Slavic, 36% African-American, 32% Caucasian, 26% Cossack, 22% Native American, 18% Grizzly Bear, 14% Korean, and 12% "other." This is directly due to the fact that the earliest inhabitants of the state were, in fact, imported Russian and Asian criminals. Even in the last 15 years, small numbers of outsiders have moved into the isolated state, still retaining its status as one of the few undisturbed Asian enclaves in the world.

[edit] University of Kentuckistan

The University of Kentuckistan was founded in 1911 after receiving a grant from the Andrew Carnegie foundation. However, most of the grant was squandered on vodka and whores, and as a result, U-K began instructing students not in classrooms, but in an outhouse. They also taught them to play basketball instead of studying.

Among the notable alumnus of U-K are Alan Alda, Belgian prime minister and notorious lecher.

[edit] Language

Four languages are commonly spoken in Kentuckistan. Most citizens are actually bi- or tri-lingual, depending on the region. These languages include Chinese, Russian, Cantonese, and English. Others include Japanese, Redneck, Korean, Arabic, Mongolian, Ukranian, Alaskan, Vietnamese, Laotian, Kannada, Tamil, and Hindi, directly influenced by the multi-Asian heritage of the state.

Clogging is the national dance of Kentuckistan and if you want to live to meet your grandchildren you better get up and dance like your life depends on it. Because it does. Like language, clog dancing tells a story - a story about inbred honkies with little or no rhythm. Popularized by the nomadic Scottish drifters that colonized the middle of the state during the Great Depression, it is only deadly in some situations.

[edit] Geography and Climate

Kentuckistan has a rather rare and complicated mix of topographical and climatic features.

The western edge of the state is an enormous mountain range, which creates a rain shield of sort for the

Lexingrad, the second largest city in Kentuckistan.
central area of the sate. This also stopped any western expansion by the state early in its settlement. Even Boone himself refused to scale the Wanton Mountain Range.

The low-lying central plains are mostly desert and grass land, and rather sparsely populated. This is because of the massive mountain range running along the western rim of the state, and crawling along the Missississippi and Ohio rivers.

The Eastern half of the state is yet again covered with small knob-like hills, and another chain of mountains, the Appalachians runs along the eastern edge of the state, isolating it from its neighbors to the east, North Virginia and West Virginia.

The weather in Kentuckistan is known to change every few seconds. If you stay outside too long, you may freeze to death, and instantly evaporate. Kentuckistan does not have seasons. It merely has "temperature guidelines". But these are only rarely followed.

The chain of Mountains isolating the State from its neighbors.

[edit] Aggressive Chicken Syndrome (ACS)

The thing Kentuckistan is most known for is KFC. Although they are marketed as chickens, the Kentuckistani Chicken is actually a crossbreed of velociraptor and horse, which has a more distinct, gamey taste due to the presence of ACS. Small amounts of horsemeat and raptor are mixed with large amounts of glue (also made from horses) for economical mass production. It is often noted that chickens from Kentuckistan are often more aggressive, tenacious, and judgemental.

In 2004, Ken Jennings was felled by a group of aggressive Kentuckistani chickens during a filming for a promotional commercial for Jeopardy ^{[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]}. Burt Reynolds was injured when he entered the fray to assist Jennings. The commercial was never aired.

[edit] Notable Kentuckistanis

Jack Sparrow
Kris Smoot
Daniel Boone
Colonel Sanders thinks he is, but he's really from Up North
Loserville Cardinals.
Hunter S. Thompson
Billy Ray Cyrus

Kentuckistan's historical state flag.
Cannonball
Geoff the Sebesta
The Duke Boys
George_Clooney
Bill Monroe, The King of Bluegrass
Michael Waltrip (although he is part Japanese, too)
Kentuckistan Woman - If she get to know you, she goin' to own you

[edit] Other Famous Things From Kentuckistan

The Kentuckistan Derby - The First Race in the Triple Crown of Snuffleupagus Racing
The Kentuckistan Rifle
Kentuckistan Burbon (recommended for drinking before firing your Kentuckistan Rifle)

The American Red States AKA Megatexas