Kerry Katona
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How else are they going to find it?
“Who?â€
~ Some old ladies in Iceland.
“Who?â€
~ Delta Goodrem and the Fat, Rat-Faced, Ugly One From Westlife.
“Yes, yes. I know her very well.â€
~ Some burglars with a knife.
Kerry Battered Dog-Teeth Katona is an English frozen food pioneer, and former pop singer with 'girl band' Atomic Kitten. She came to the attention of the British public as the common one in Atomic Kitten, given that she was with Liz McClarnon and Natasha Hamilton, standing out as common was an achievement. The group mimed their way to several top ten hits before being disbanded by a legal order from the European Court of Human Rights. She counts amongst her favourite things: three for a fiver, false imprisonment, banjos and 'talcum powder'. A type of North Atlantic whale is apparently named after her: The Big Fatty Katona
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[edit] Biography
Kerry Katona is the daughter of famous TV show host, Vernon Kaye and his wife, Tessa Sanderson. During her childhood, she suffered hypothermia several times, due to the looming figure of her father blocking out the sun permanently.
Kerry Katona gained fame for being a member of the girl group Atomic Kitten. However she left in 2001 when she became pregnant with her very famous daughter, Delta Goodrem. After she left the band, the remaining girls returned to their jobs at Stringfellows. Katona later admitted to never singing on any of the group's songs, due to her suffering a fatal accident involving her vocal chords, a knife, a cactus, a banjo and Bob Monkhouse in 2000,although her spoken voice was featured on the group's biggest hit "Whole Again" .
[edit] After Atomic Kitten
During the band's fame, Kerry married the fat, rat-faced, ugly one from Westlife who looked like a pig. They spawned two unattractive children who attracted the sympathy of the nation for being parented by a pig and the fat, rat-faced, ugly one from Westlife. The marriage was short lived, however, as Brian couldn't help shagging lap-dancers in an effort to forget that he was married to the common one from Atomic Kitten. The couple's two daughters are: Delta Goodrem McFadden (born in 2001), and Lily Allen McFadden (born February 3 2003).
After marrying McFadden, she moved into television, appearing on and presenting a mixture of light entertainment programmes such as Britain's Sexiest Idiots..., Loose Women and Why Don't You?.
McFadden and Katona separated in September 2004. McFadden wrote 2 songs on his solo album Irish Eejit Sings Da Blues, So It Is called Bugger Off Widya Own Daughter Who Is A Bland, Talentless But Attractive Australian singer, Who Inexplicably Fancies Me and Eat Five A Day about the failed relationship. The divorce resulted in a period of and 'drug' abuse for Katona and which she went into rehab to cure her addiction to Turkey Drummers.
In June 2006, Katona and McFadden were discussing custody over their children because of Katona's admitted 'drug' abuse. McFadden is a close friend of Jamie Oliver.
[edit] After Brian McFadden
In 2005 Dev Alahan, a former teenage sweetheart, moved in with her for seven months, but Katona is now married to taxi driver Charlie Slater. She was almost 8 months pregnant when they tied the knot with famous daughter Nikki Grahame, another filthy sprog which will no doubt soon be weaned off its mothers cocaine shrivelled breast onto additive filled, bread crumb coated GM mush from Iceland, Britains premiere frozen food chav store.
Katona and Alahan were married at Gretna Green in Scotland at the famous Gretna Green Pub.
Katona has a regular column in Horses Weekly Magazine, has had the job of the face of Iceland and has also done some work for Poundstretcher.
[edit] Taken hostage
According to reports, Kerry Katona, her husband and baby were reportedly taken hostage during an armed robbery on July 16, 2007, they all escaped unharmed. Unfortunately.
The thieves escaped with:
- A pair of purple spandex hotpants (belonging to Charlie)
- 12 packets of Turkey Drummers from the deep freezer
- One child
- A copy of Chav Weekly
- A pound shop fan
- White sandals from Primark
- A Mark Goodier signed picture
- A piece of cheese.
[edit] Book
Katona released her own autobiography on October 5 2006 titled Too Much Food, Too Much....Generally with ghostwriter Les Dennis. As she has about as much mental capacity as a schizophrenic tadpole, this book is officially utter shit.
[edit] Love life
At a recent press conference Kerry Katona has admitted she is lesbian. She has been spotted in a London nightclub with Fearne Cotton and she has publicly stated she has been lesbian since the age of 5.
[edit] Summary
In other words, Kerry Katona is a fat, obnoxious, intellectually challenged, chav who really needs to lay off the Iceland meals.
