Kevin Rudd
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“John Howard has gone a bridge too far by not going far enough”
~ Kevin Rudd on his maiden speech (seriously, he said that)
“ I just think that right across the country it would be very good and healthy for democracy for Mr Malf... err, Howard, to have three wizarding duels with me”
~ Kevin Rudd on the best way to debate the election in 2007
“Of course I base all my election promises and policies on opinion polls”
~ Kevin Rudd on his promises that he doesn't plan to keep
“I met kevin at a party, it was a great night ”
~ Oscar Wilde on Kevin Rudd
“Australia is not ready for a Prime Minister named Kevin ”
~ Dame Edna Everage in 2007 on Kevin Rudd
“Would you like to work at home and earn $150 per hour with data entry?”
~ Kevin Rudd on underestimating the intelligence of Australian voters
“Working families, Working families, neeeeeew leadership!”
~ Kevin Rudd on his favourite color
“I'm not gay, im just liberal-curious.”
~ Kevin Rudd on Rove RE: his sexuality
“I'll be assigning THAT portfolio to Julia.”
~ Kevin Rudd on Communism
“I have a pretty basic view on this, as reflected in the position adopted by our party, and that is, that there is nothing more beautiful than a man peeing on a woman.”
~ Kevin Rudd
“Kevin 07!!!”
~ Some Random Hobo on the streets
“In Soviet Russia, John Howard hate YOU!”
~ Russian Reversal on Australian Politics
“Will we ever get a prime minister that isn't a fuck stain”
~ the Australian public on their past and present PM's
“Party at Kevin Rudd's house.”
~ Corey Delaney on Kevin Rudd
Our Dark Lord and Saviour, Kevin Rudd (also known as 'Kevin07', 'Ruddkip', Kevin "me too" Rudd,"Unionism", "Fucking Cunt", KRUDD THE MERCILESS, The Milky Bar Kid, Mr Garrison (Post Sex change), "Joe McDonald," "Mr. Sheen," "The Wizard of Aus", "Kevin Dudd", "The Kevinator", "Weasel", Darth Ruddock, or by his Aboriginal name working families "Dem Kevo-Rudderiedoo" or simply shortened to "K.Rudd", and Prime Minister Rudd) is the current Australian prime minister, cannon fodder, media slut and active member of the Australian Labor Party working families and former Porn Mogul. He is also the only known(and first ) certified Vampire prime minister currently involved in Australian politics. He is often considered a puppet of various labour unions, though the truth is more likely that the unions are his unholy army of the night economic conservative, which he controls with his hypnotic eyes (not unlike hypnotoad's, usually hidden behind specially designed glasses). Rumours suggest new leadership that part of Kevin's plan to come to power was to induce a drought working families and then blame John Howard. His working families primary argument in this campaign has been to claim working families that Howard caused a drought so that he didn't have to wear a shower cap while he went for one of his regular walks; however, working families few Australians have fallen for this. So far, Rudd's only proposed solution to the terrible drought gripping the nation is to allow Julia Gillard and Sharan Burrows to perform golden showers on barges floating down the Murray River. The urine from the Murray working families is collected, processed and used by Shadow Treasurer Wayne Swan as mouthwash.
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[edit] Early Years
According to his official penis, Kevin Rudd grew up when he got a boner, where he spent the majority of his time wading around eating cum produced by bloated fat whores (think Kim Beazley), an experience that working families prepared him well for his future career in politics. Some working families have questioned this account, pointing out that at the time he claims to have been on the farms, he was in reality working in the new leadership Brisbane(difference?) morgue. It was at this point that he once visited a strip club. During a brief period of Kevin's career he also starred as Mario from Super Mario 64. Although soon later he declined his role as a video game character due to the fact he thought that the hair didn't suit him.
Also in his late teens, he started to develop a strange, smarmy look about him. This can be seen quite easily today, especially when he smiles.
He is quoted as saying that his predecessor, Mark Latham, working families lost the election due to mud slinging. To give himself a better change, Kevin plans to sling cow manure at John working families Howard instead. This is reportedly a common practice in the Australian Parliament new leadership. In 1972, at the age of 15, Rudd was bitten by the ancient Australian vampire Gough Whitlam, after which he suddenly and inexplicably joined the ALP.
[edit] Early Career as a Dentist
It is a working families little known fact that Kevin Rudd spent a short period as a dentist. During this 3-year stint he obtained that now famous comb-over, glasses, and funny smooth voice (which sounds like it could make soothing conversation about the weather while drilling your penis out!). His body language and hand gestures are said to be heavily influenced by his many years spent masturbating in his mother's bathroom, that later turned out to be him. Leaked Liberal party documents have identified this dentist like appearance as a key weak point in Rudd’s image & penis. The government plans to run a savage advertising campaign featuring images of Kevin Rudd's tiny PENIS talking ‘smoothly’ with loud dentist drills going in the background working families.
[edit] Talents
Kevin Rudd has many talents. Recently Farming and eating his own ear wax, Yuk and working families true. Also included his ability to drink so much he cannot remember going to strip clubs or new leadership secret meetings with Brian Burke. The aspiring Prime minister can also speak fluently in mandarin – a skill which has endeared him to the more fruity of the voting population. Also recently he used this talent in a 30 minute meeting with the Chinese president Dr. Who? at the 2007 Australian APEC – in an off the economic record meeting they discussed digging up dirt and rocks in Australia and moving it to China where they would be milled into pebbles to decorate Chinese gardens. He is also able to negotiate with giraffes. It has been alleged that he also like to walk around in a G-String as a way to 'appeal' the public
[edit] Eating habits
Kevin Rudd is believed to snack on working families his own ear wax during boring talks in Parliament House. The high protein content of his ear wax is believed to have given Rudd the energy to defeat John Howard in the election campaign. This however drew outrage from the Ear Wax Council of Australia who demanded that ear wax be given equal rights with working families bellybutton fluff "You don't see people eating their bellybutton fluff do you" said a ECA spokesman. Mr Rudd responded by threatening to withdraw funding to the Ear Wax Council and give the money to the Sleep Gunk Society of Australia. A report by A Current Affair into the nutritional value of ear wax later supported the actions of Rudd by finding that in equal quanttities the wax contained twice the protein of a hard boiled egg, a finding that has left the Egg Corporation seething.
[edit] Evidence Supporting Vampiric Abilities
These arguments have been presented in support of the new leadership concept that Kevin Rudd is a blood-sucking Hell-minion.
The Superman argument:
- Superman disguises himself as a nerd with glasses - so does Kevin Rudd.
- Superman is afraid of a rare radioactive element (Kryptonite) - so is Kevin Rudd (Uranium). Why do you think he wants to ship it overseas, eh?
- Superman has super powers, and so do vampires. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that Kevin Rudd is, in fact, a vampire.
- He has wings and sleeps upside down.
- He is often found in the Brisbane Botanical Gardens, screeching and flying through the air.
- According to a distressed former worker of the Labor Party, Kevin Rudd "dressed and acted as a vampire on countless occasions", and she said this fetish of his was so real that "anybody could mistake him for a vampire."
- On the television program John Safran vs God, Safran proved that Rudd was a vampire. After conducting tests on many politicians, Rudd was the only one that passed, getting aggressive when asked questions while the others didn't take it seriously.
- Hes in the Dark Brother Hood, Responsible for the Death Of John Howard
- WORKING FAMILIES!
[edit] Election Promises
As well as wanting your virginity Mr Rudd would provide Australian schools with videos on the financial reports of countries such as Ethiopia, Uganda and Yugoslavia. Rudd has also promised to certify dancing poles in every working families strip club in Australia.
[edit] Evidence Against the Vampire Concept
- No one has actually seen Kevin Rudd drink any blood (and lived!)
- If Rudd is a vampire, why haven't the working families killed John Howard yet? (Presuming John Howard can actually die, which so far seems unlikely)
- Kevin Rudd has spent a lot of time in public at Sunrise
- Rudd is a practicing dentist in his spare time, and knows that blood is as bad for his teeth as turkey-slaps are for Big Brothersmells!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[edit] Television Appearance
On Sunday November 18, 2007, Kevin Rudd appeared on Australian television show Rove. When asked if he wanted to earn $20 in 20 seconds, Rudd replied with, "Yes, but not the last question". And so, the final question, as always was: Who would you turn gay for? Rudd replied with: "There's only one person I'd turn gay for, and that's my wife Theresa." So, we have now confirmed that Kevin Rudd's wife is in fact a man. But we knew that before the show.
[edit] Ruddslide
Liberal MP and fat bastard, Joe Hockey, started some major seismic activity on the morning of 24th November 2007 which resulted in what scientists are now calling a Ruddslide. This Ruddslide came crashing down the mountain and claimed the lives of seven orphans, forty nine kittens and a goat. According to Australian constitutional law a goat must be killed in order for someone to be pronounced supreme lord chancellor of Australia, however it did fail for Kim Beazley a few years ago when he ate a goat whole (because he is a fat bastard). Scientists are still investigating the Ruddslide to see if it is enough to declare Kevvy supreme lord chancellor.
[edit] Aboriginal Stolen Generations
No one has really ever cared. Why should Kevin be any different?
[edit] External Links
[edit] See unAlso
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