Kill Bill

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“I've killed a hell of a lot of people to get to this point, but I have only one more. The last one. The one I'm drivin' to right now. The only one left. And when I arrive at my destination, I am gonna kill Bill.”

~ Steve Ballmer on Bill

“Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids!”

~ Shaolin temple graffiti

“I did all the fighting!”

~ Zoe Bell

Kill Bill is the nickname of Kyle Williams, who sued Quentin Tarantino for damages, claiming emotional molestation when Tarantino decided to name-check him in a straight-to-DVD bargain bin movie. The case was thrown out when it was discovered that Williams was a non-entity and therefore could not be libelled.

Several members of the liberal media suggest that Tarantino intented instead to incite widespread public rage against pundit Bill O'Reilly. Unfortunately, it only revealed what doctors call "widespread pubic rage" as the image of O'Reilly's face apparently renders viewers impotent after only a few exposures.

Anywho, Kill Bill is a film about a person, a WOMAN this time who kills people, and not just any people. The unnamed bride (Rosanne Barr), is out to kill her former husband and each and every one of his employees at the assassin factory.

Contents 1 Controversy with Disney 2 Kill Bill Vol. 3 3 Influences 4 Cast 5 Trivia

[edit] Controversy with Disney

Difficulties arose when the Disney Corporation, then-owner of Miramax, selected Tarantino's film as the pilot project for its "Everyone Pays Twice!" campaign. Dividing the film into two volumes at the last minute created so much confusion that there are those who to this day insist that the film's chapters are not in chronological order. However, a careful analysis of the plot structure, allowing for such movie conventions as resurrection and time travel, reveals that the editors got it right, and everyone is dead at the end.

Actor David Carradine was incensed at the division, and Disney reportedly retaliated by cutting all his scenes in Volume 1, replacing him with a hand actor voiced by James Earl Jones. The "Everyone Pays Twice!" campaign was ultimately abandoned, except at Disneyland/California Adventure, where separate tickets are still required. The Disneyland ride based on the film is temporarily closed, due to what Disney describes as "a minor quality control concern involving excessive unanticipated amputations".

[edit] Kill Bill Vol. 3

Seeing the somewhat success of the new Rocky film, Tarantino decided to make Kill Bill Vol. 3: Attack of the Zombies. In this film Bill comes back as a zombie and kills everyone.

A stolen copy of the script which surfaced on eBay reveals that Elle, now wearing two eyepatches, enlists the help of Vernita Green's daughter, Nikki, to avenge her blinding at the hands of The Bride. The Bride's daughter, B.B., seeks help from Hattori Hanzo, who has given up swordmaking and now kills people with his sushi. Meanwhile, Sophie Fatale moves into what's left of Budd's trailer with the one-armed man from The Fugitive. There is a vicious fight scene between Nikki and B.B. involving cap guns, jump ropes, rubber swords, plastic Jedi lightsabres, and a Biker Bitch Barbie doll. The Bride finally re-kills Bill using the five-point-exploding-stake-in-the-heart technique, but is in turn killed by a zombie named Paula Shultz who seems to have some sort of grudge against her. The girls make up and go to work for Esteban Vihaio, and what's left of the Crazy 88's team up with the girl group from the House of Blue Leaves and go on tour as the 5.6.7.8.88's. Hattori Hanzo becomes Emperor of Japan, and appoints his long-time assistant Bald Guy as General In Charge Of Serving The Sake.

[edit] Influences

In Volume 1, there is a scene where The Bride spanks a young Yakuza wanabee with her sword. This invited the inevitable comparison with the Japanese art film Lady Pantload (Pi-pi No Gogo), in which a child is also spanked (but ends up killing everyone still). In addition, that film contains a close-up of a grasshopper (who doesn't kill anyone). Tarantino's film alludes to this in the close-up of a mosquito in the hospital scene, and again in Volume 2 where Budd (aka Mojave Trouser Snake) spits tobacco juice in The Bride's face. And of course "Grasshopper" was David Carradine's nickname in the old Kung Fu television series. Tarantino has denied ever seeing Lady Pantload, but he is obviously a lying sack of shit.

[edit] Cast

• Roseanne Barr - The Bride AKA Billianne AKA Billy-Jo-Kiddo AKA generic snake AKA Mommy AKA Insurance fraud investigator
• David Carradine - Just Plain Bill AKA Bill AKA Snake Handler
• John Travolta - Bill O'Reilly AKA Ouroborous AKA Mr. Briefs
• Samuel L. Jackson - A big black guy named Bill AKA Muthafuckin' Snake on a Muthafuckin' Plane AKA Mr. Boxers
• Michael Madsen - Bill Thornbury AKA Cobra AKA Mr. Man-thong
• Steve Buscemi - Bill Bixby AKA Harmless but annoying Garter Snake AKA Mr. Diaper
• Chuck Norris - Chuck Norris.

[edit] Trivia

• Uma's yellow jumpsuit was made from freshly picked Chiquita bananas.
• The Crazy 88 is an actual neo-fascist band.
• Just to make sure she got the right one, Uma killed lots of Bill's: Bill Nye (dissected for the good of science), Billy Connolly (drowned in a vat of Low Alcohol Lager), Bill Clinton (ripped his willie off, pinned him down and suffocated him on it), Billie Piper (sat on and beaten to death), Billy Bob Thornton (chopped up with a Samurai sword), Billy Bragg (choked to death on pieces of Trotskyite literature), Billy the Fish (kippered and eaten), Billy Joel (stuffed into a saxophone), Billy Elliot (old-fashioned schoolyard style beatdown - same with Billy Liar), Billy Graham (forcefed hymn books), and Bill Gates (used some hardware on him). After dispatching all the Billy's, Billie's and Bill's, she made sure she got all the Will's and William's--except she totally forgot to get Bill Murray who was the target all along.
• Planned sequels include Fuck Chuck, Squash Josh, Beat Pete, Enslave Dave, Strike Mike, Berate Kate, Kick Mick, Drown Brown, Whack Jack, Blow Joe, Bury Mary, Mill Jill, Brain Jane, Bash Ash, Rake Jake, Rip Skip, Clob Bob, Weave Steve, Slit Kit, Push Bush, Mame James, Mince Vince, and shoot Jessie in the face with a sawn-off shotgun.
• After filming completed, Tarantino retained possession of the Pussy Wagon until it was discovered missing from his driveway, replaced by a scribbled note that read "My name is Buck, and I'm here for my truck." It now resides at the Two Pines Classic Car and Poontang Museum in El Paso, Texas. It is considered quite valuable, having previously been owned by Pussy Galore, Puss 'n' Boots, and John Kerry.
• The casting of Uma Thurman was a last-minute decision, made necessary when The Bride's animatronic foot, constructed at great expense, failed to wiggle its big toe. Ironically, it proved impossible to film Uma's largish feet in the confines of the Pussy Wagon ("Gargantuan!" exclaimed co-star Daryl Hannah. "You know I've always liked that word.") The feet appearing in the movie belong to a foot actress and are voiced by James Earl Jones.