Killer whale

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“What a killer Lube Tube!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Willy and his tube

[edit] Killer Whales (Guuten Fluugerrn)

Killer whales are entirely evil creatures responsible for most tragedies in the world, hence the name "killer whale". They are tied with Bears as the deadliest animal on the face of the earth. Killer Whales are all masters of all styles of martial arts, which is ridiculously hard considering they don't have arms or legs. They are employed by several world governments to keep the peace in foreign countries, however, they are not very effective because they usually wind up killing everything. They do keep their jobs though, because whenever someone tells them that they are fired, they simply eat that guy. They are fantastic at bear hugs, but bears often do not enjoy their company. They have very few emotions, but here is a simple guide on how you can tell whether or not they're in a good mood. if they are in a bad mood they will bite your hand. if they are in a good mood they will bite your hand. If aroused sexually they will bite something, don't ask

[edit] Killer Whales (Orcinus orcoo)

What REALLY happened in Free Willy

Killer whales often get crabs

Many people see killer whales as friendly, frolicking animals. While this characterization is true, it represents a minority of the killer whale population. Less than 30% of the world's killer whales work in the entertainment industry. Approximately 8% of killer whales work in the Aleutian sex trade, doing "tricks" with their blowholes. The rest remain unemployed, swimming the oceans in of blood and wanton destruction. Though they rape everyone, they do not use lube, I'd watch out

[edit] Physical Description

Killer Whales (being members of the dolphin club) look like, and are ordinary fish. The only distinctive feature of a Killer Whale is that it does not have any eyes. Killer Whales instead have two large patches of white brain matter protruding through the black blubber where its eyes were designed to be. This provides direct input and processing of visual stimulus, which causes Killer Whales to live in a permanently hallucinogenic state. One reason for this is thought to be caused by the extreme boredom of looking at nothing but water for their entire lives. Killer Whales also eject excess brain from these patches as bait to attract and eat Japanese whalers; who believe that consuming brains will bring prosperity and riches.

[edit] Killer Whales and Killing Things

It is well documented that a Killer Whale can kill anything. In fact most of the worlds murders are committed by killer whales, accounting for the fourth highest death toll in America, right behind Cancer, Chuck Norris,and heart disease. If you ever wish to kill something, send it ice fishing in the arctic during the whales mating season, and they will surely die, as shown in the following video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMgUMeGOBYE.

[edit] List of Things a Killer Whale Can Kill

This is not the complete list. I can't post the complete list. I don't have that much free time

Chuck Norris
Seals
Cute Little Koochy Koo Make Me Fucking Sick Baby Seals (nasty little bastards)
You
Russians
Kennedy's
Zombies
You
Mac Users
Inanimate Objects
This Guy
That Guy
Kenny
You
Ninjas
Pirates
Ninja/Pirate cross-breeds
You
Steve from Long Island
Cowbell
The Sun
God
Your career
Lead Singers
Robots
non-killer whale
Eskimos
You
Vampires
Werewolves
Corpses
Monkeys
Jokes
You
Brands
Your mother
Swedish people
Gay people
The French
You
This joke
You
James Hancock
Sharks
Captain Nolan and his girlfriend
The people editing this list to put in bad jokes and internet memes

[edit] List of Things Killer Whales Can't Kill

Because listing everything they can kill would take waayyy too long I will list the few things that they can't kill. If you do not see your name on the list, you're shit out of luck.

Oscar Wilde
Me
Ted Kennedy (he isn't going to die, ever)
Bruce Campbell
Pop Culture references
Bigfoot
Daniel Craig
Herman Lee (just don't ask me why.)
The majestic moose (they bite hard and are too bony)

[edit] Behavior

Some Killer Whales (namely Willy from the Free Willy Movies) enjoy the practice of mass murder. If he has died, chances are the killer whale is responsible. Other noted killer whale past times include Genocide, rape, pillaging, bird watching, and wanton destruction

[edit] Killer Whale terminology

A group of killer whales is called a pod. A very small pod, consisting perhaps of a single family, is an i-pod. Sometimes very large agglomerations of killer whales gather, often in the waters off of Seattle. Such great comings-together are characterized by ill-conceived, rambling whale songs and are referred to as a "Whalapodlooza" or sometimes "Burning Whale." Also of note are roving groups of frat-boy, wannabee orcas known as "pseudo pods."

Chum is a killer whale word that generally means "living things that are not killer whales that are in the water with us." See also What were you thinking?

Killer whales prefer to be referred to as killer whales by outsiders. In formal or academic situations, the term Orcinus Orca-American is often substituted. Orca is best left to killer whales themselves. Among their own, the "o-word" is a term of endearment and an affirmation of one's belonging in the community. This can be seen in the lyrics of a whale-song recorded on the west side of Lake Huron:

We in the current with a .40 and fish roll

Ready for the blow hole

Heavy drinkin', we ain't got good sense

My pod so tense, orcas so dense

I see through the life you invent

Slow up on how you orcas vent

You orcas ain't representin' shit

I represent School Seal Killers

Detroit orca, my orca, what?

On a final note of nomenclature, killer whales are not technically whales at all, but extremely large, muscular dolphins. It may be left to the reader whether referring to a really just enormous killing machine the size of a pt-boat as "just a big dolphin" is truly wise, especially if said killing machine is hungry and within earshot.

[edit] Family Life

Killer whales marry only within their own immediate social group. You may insert your own trailer-park-themed joke here: __________________________________________________ .

Killer whale families traditionally consist of two parents and two children. In recent times this "nuclear family" pattern has become fragmented and rare. This has resulted in considerably reduced tensions over the potential for a hot war between killer whales and sea lions, as well as the publication of such texts as Namu Has Two Mommies.
At the age of just 4 a young Killer Whale has to kill and eat its own mother in order to gain the title "killer" in front of "whale", Otherwise it has to go by the name of "Pussy Whale".

[edit] Intra-killer-whale Racism

Killer whales come in three distinct varieties, or "races." Though of the same species, they do not intermarry, they speak different dialects and they rarely sit at the same table in the cafeteria.

Residents are the only whales that build houses, tend lawns and form social clubs for the purpose of excluding the other killer whales. This makes the residents feel powerful and better than the other killer whales. Other killer whales are often jealous of residents, and themselves believe that they are not as good as residents. This attitude will be changed when the revolution comes, and the residents are the first whales with their dorsal fins against the wall.

Transients roam the coasts in gangs, and are ruthless and cruel in their feeding habits. They eat mostly marine mammals, and have been known to throw them into the air or break them in half with powerful blows of the fin before consuming there pathetic, bloody, and horribly deformed mammal remains.This radical behaviour is largely thought to be adopted from the barbaric actions of semi-mentally unstable european football fansor supposedly 'civil' rugby fans; take your pick. It is thought that they may largely be responsible for the name "killer whale" as well as most incidents of whale-on-whale violence. Yeah, them transients is some bad orcas, yo.

Offshores swim the deep oceans and feed mostly on fish. They tend to be smaller, but more heavily scarred than other killer whales. Their pods are larger than others, consisting of up to sixty individuals. Many marine biologists believe that they feed on sharks in the open ocean waters. That's right, you heard me, sharks. Marine biologists also believe that transients better just shut the hell up about their seal-killing badness when these hard-core, shark-eating motherfuckers swim by.