Killerfurbies
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[edit] WARNING
We will not be held responsible for any deaths, injuries, and/or incantations that may result by reading this article. It is proven that your IQ will drop 2-3 points after completely reading this product of insanity. This article is totally fucked up, and you will be confused as to whether Killerfurbies is a single person, a singer, or a species of animals. The answer to that, my friend, is that the creators of this article are totally fucked up, and you will have to shed some light on this yourself.
"We're very pleased with this warning!" - The Creators of Killerfurbies
[edit] Prologue
Killerfurbies, also known scientifically as Killero Furbo, is a mythical beast with a very SMALL penis. It is so small, that when he was created by the mighty hand of the lord, he exclaimed "TEHOMG! Is that a penis? No, it can't be, it's MICROSCOPIC! Oh snap son, it is!" We have reason to believe the Killero Furbo might also have a vagina. Recent sources indicate that its species may have developed in the vicinity of the Haverisles somewhere around the late 1980's. A Killerfurbies monster can look strikingly similar to a human, although sometimes, Rosie O'donnel is a perfect example, it is quite obvious that the creature is non-human. As of late, Killerfurbies beasts have been spotted in various places among IRC (I know like TEHOMGWTFBBQ!), which is irrefutable evidence that they are at least 87.25% queer and at least 12.75% non-human. The Killerfurbies is an endangered, species, only roughly 1337 Killerfurbies remain in the world today. Some Killerfurbies disguise themselves as humans, like Rosie O'donnel. The Killerfurbies mainly feeds on small bugs and animals, as well as the suculant blood of its enemies.
[edit] Introduction
You are about to embark on an adventure that no other man, women, and/or coopa turtle has ever even heard about, probably because this adventure was announced by Edward J. Markey, and no one cares about Massachusettes Congressmen. Please keep all hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times, failure to do so will result in the murder of 3 kittens and 12 guppies. This trip, howerver, is entirely fictional. It is merely a self-inflicted hallucination produced by LSD and the stuff we found in Sara's basement.
[edit] Early Days
In the early days of Killerfurbies, television was new. Him and his best friend, T.J. Pootenhooter, were the original pioneer's of NBC and what is now known as "primetime television". Not much is known about the time period between 1982 and 1991, but it has been rumored that Killerfurbies was evolving from Killera Furbius into Killera Furba. It is also worth noting that Killera Furbius was the first animal to pick up some random plants, roll it up, and smoke it; exclaiming "Holy shit, the shapes, the shapes!". This was also the day that modern art was created.
[edit] 1985
As it was mentioned above, not much is known about what happened between 1982-1991, but it is known that Killerfurbies formed the Country band Poison. The band started out as a joint gig between Killerfurbies and T.J. Pootenhooter, but it quickly evolved into what it is now known as today. In 1986, at a freak accident, Bob Vila gave birth to Derf.
[edit] Derf
Derf, known scientifically as Derfilo Nimbus, is a species even rarer than the Killerfurbies. Only roughly 666 remain on this planet, and 333 exist on Hillary Clinton's ass. The population of Derves came this outrageously low due to the fact that they used to be boiled and eaten; hence the name hors d'oeuvre (pronounced 'or-derve'). In an attempt to get the humanitarian vote, Hillary Clinton sheltered 333 Derves on her ass, since no one in their right mind would go anywhere near there. Coupled with the promise that Bill Clinton would anally rape (see ForeRunner) anyone that killed or ate a Derf, the population decrease of Derves nearly halted.
[edit] Derf Radio
In 1994, Derf set up a radio station where he hoped that his wacky programming would stop people from using squirrels in sick, sadistic rituals. However, the radio show was a complete failure, and several Japenese men were castrated because of it. After the show was cancelled, Derf spiralled into a deep depression that seemed endless. He then purchased an old retirement home in order to repair it, pimp it out, and sell it. Being flat out of money, Derf searched for financial aid. In no time, he found an investor. The person made a request for the new building to be one story, and to have sound-proofed walls (so that you can't hear the children scream). This investor was later identified as Michael Jackson. After many months, and through much hard labor, Derf had worked out of his depression and sold the house the MJ for a large profit. Seeking a new path in life, he consulted the local genie for assistance. The genie assured him that just because he is Indian, doesn't mean he's a genie. Being the persistent manbeast he is, Derf kept on pestering the hairy Indian man. Finally, the Indian man told him to "become a singer or something". So there it was, Derf became a singer/song writer. On one of his midnight hunts for little children to feed on, Derf stumbled across Killerfurbies, who was burying a dead body. The two became acquainted quickly, and made beautiful music together.
[edit] Killerfurbies: The Artist
In 1995, Killerfurbies touched millions by writing and performing "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald". The song made it to No. 1 in the US and UK. In spite of the song, Mytorial Spacetino's (see 'MySpace Rebels') followers killed thousands of sea turtles. Amid the confusion, Bill Clinton was elected President of the United States. A monmument was erected in Haverstraw, NY bearing incredible simularities to Killerfurbies, but it was later dismissed as a poor attempt to make Killerfurbies run for president. In 2003, Killerfurbies announced that he is no longer going to be producing any new records. Later that year, Killerfurbies released "Chunks of Me: A Collection of Killerfurbies' Heart and Soul". The album, once again, made "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" go to No. 1 in the US and UK.
[edit] Killerfurbies: The Director
Killerfurbies movies have a unique way of putting together things like the power of God and a '98 Ford Taurus, or a boat in a swimming pool and its relation with the left shoe of a dead man running naked across the country. Lots of people (all of them Linux users) go to the movie theater and sit on the floor while they feel the sexual problems of the modern life in the shape of that Ford Taurus. Here's a sample of a a typical Killerfurbies movie:
1. The camera starts in a park, zoom to a tree. Hold for 5 minutes.
2. A bird stands in the tree. It flies away. The camera doesn't move. 3 minutes.
2. The camera moves from the tree to a naked woman looking at the Sun. Slowly (a 4:30 minute movement). The woman is in the grass with a black duck.
- "It's hard to say, but at the beginning this was a big orange. Then the wind came. I remember, it was a pink cat."
3. A man enters the scene. He has a gun in his hand with a chocolate rabbit on it. Zoom to an ant for 20 minutes with the sound of a little kid crying because there is no more goose liver remaining.
- "Janet, I don't know why you are here, but I called you tomorrow and told you to come... remember?... you don't and now I must kill my first son."
4. She kills the duck with her shoe. They have sex. 15 minutes. They change position. 22 minutes. The camera makes a zoom at the blood from the duck; it's green. Silence for 45 minutes. The camera returns to them. The duck comes back to life, then shoots them.
- "Killed by a duck. Life is such an apple. I told you ... Charles."
- "I really hate my mother."
- "Now I'll never smoke this last cigarrete, with cat flavor. Let's have sex."
5. A dog eats them. The duck takes the cigarrete. Zoom at the tree again. 25 minutes of wind sound.
[edit] The Confession
In March of 2005, Killerfurbies confessed to being Brian Johnson of AC/DC and announced he was providing the voice to SpongeBob SquarePants. This announcement brought so much outrage from fans of his music that a group was created to try to have him put to death. Killerfurbies now has 10 dedicated bodyguards with him at all times.
Brian Johnson was also found tied up, and bound and gagged with a twinkie stuffed in his mouth in a closet of the Best Western motel. It was later determined that the Brian Johnson who was found tied up in the closet was an imposter, and was shot, while having his face torn off by a manbearpig.
[edit] MySpace Rebels
When the land of Gondor had been freed from the evils of Izangod, peace was restored. But before long, a new, much greater evil arose. This evil was headed by the srl killer, child pornographer, bunny-fucker, and all-around uncool perosn Mytorial Spacetino. He christened this new evil "MySpace". MySpace is his secret attempt of making 12 year old girls give him naked pictures of themselves. "A website where kids willingly get naked for you, IT'S INGENIOUS!", he thought. Little did he know that there were hungry Derf monsters and Killerfurbies out on the loose. Killerfurbies feeds on the lucsious, candy-coated blood of people it doesn't like, whereas the Derf monster just likes killing things.
[edit] The Attack of Mytorial Spacetino
[edit] The First Wave
Mytorial Spacetino sent hoards of MySpace emos, LiveJournal pussies, and AOL noobs to terminate Derf and Killerfurbies. However, using their sorcery and wit, the duo gave all the emos razor blades, yelled at the pussies, and shot all the AOL noobs, then fucked the bullet holes, which nearly eradicated the first wave of Mytorial's attack.
[edit] The Second Wave
In the dark depths of hell, there was such a powerful evil brewing that it made Mytorial Spacetino's first attack look like a jolly ride at Disney Land. The plan was to create a MySpace instant messenger, effectively allowing rapists to find and rape victims 6 times faster and effeciently. The lead designer of the instant messenger, Faggotoria Rapemianous, added in a feature to the messenger that allowed attackers to brainwash their victims. Mytorial was going to brainwash thousands of MySpace emos to suicide bomb and kill Derf and Killerfurbies. Unfortunately for him, millions of creepy rapists beat Mytorial to the instant messenger, and 94% of MySpace users were already brainwashed to be the rapists' sex-slaves and/or mutant Pikachus. Mytorial became depressed at his failure at the second wave, so he got insanely drunk and accidentally left they keys to the MySpace research lab and server room in the door. Realizing the oppurtunity, Derf and Killerfurbies entered the lab and pissed on all the servers and hard drives, as well as defacating in a cantelope. This destroyed the MySpace network, as well as the instant messenger. The servers were so old and shitty that when the MySpace network was rebuilt, it would have to be completely different. The instant messenger would have to conform to those needs, but since everything about the instant messenger was lost, they had to start anew. In order to stunt the progress of the new MySpace instant messenger, Derf effectively pwn'd Faggotoria Rapemianous by pushing him in front of a trolley. This caused the instant messenger to stay in a beta form, and remains a mere beta even to this day.
[edit] Finding Life
Following MySpace and Mytorial Spacetino's demise, Derf and Killerfurbies were left homeless, jobless, and alone. Having left their lives and jobs behind to, you know, save the fucking world, they parted once more to lead separate lives.
[edit] Return to Zimbabwe
Killerfurbies, remembering a kind and gentle soul he met once in Zimbabwe, returned there to salvage the remaining pieces of what he believed could be his future career in poetry. Upon arriving at the site of the straw hut the old man Killerfurbies remembered lived at, he was greeted by an unfamiliar face, who later revealed herself to be Samantha Pinkwallops, the granddaughtor of Roberto Vila Pinkwallops, the old man Killerfurbies remembered so well. Killerfurbies and Samantha Pinkwallops enjoyed a long conversation, which records show went something like this:
Samantha: So. Killerfurbies: So. Samantha: Who are you, again? Killerfurbies: Who I am, who I was, does not matter now. . . it's who I could be that matters. Samantha: Sounds like a fortune cookie. Killerfurbies: I read it off a paper I wrote once. Only, it wasn't me... it was.... the ink. Samantha: The ink? Killerfurbies: The... ink. Samantha: Ah, I see. Killerfurbies: This is getting us nowhere. Samantha: So it is. Or, isn't it? Killerfurbies: Whatever you say. Samantha: Indeed. Killerfurbies: Than, I must go. There is nothing left for me here.
Killerfurbies and Samantha Pinkwallops then said their goodbyes, and Killerfurbies left Zimbabwe forever to continue his search for a state of being elsewhere.
[edit] Back at the Ranch
Unlike Killerfurbies, Derf remained in the states, believing that the outside world was far too dangerous to risk wandering outside the protection of Hillary Clinton's anus campaign. Unlike Killerfurbies, it did not take long for Derf to find his ace in the hole - one morning, while flipping threw the news at the local Best Buy, he saw an old friend - none other than Michael Jackson himself. Derf, searching desperately for the address of his lost acquantance, finally found the address of the very home of Michael Jackson that he himself created. Upon arriving, he quickly discovered that something was wrong. The cozy home that Derf spent so many months designing and creating using his most valuable ink, made from the blood of his enemies, had changed. Michael Jackson suddenly didn't care about hiding the children's screams. The walls were stained pink with an unknown liquid. And, of course, there was the unusual amount of dildos randomly thrown around the room. Scared for his life, Derf fled the Ranch, and thus left the only chance he had of finding a home. Derf was thrown into the shadows, a nameless, souless ghoul once more.
[edit] Killerfurbies: The Late Night Talkshow Host
Killerfurbies, still determined that the states held nothing but bad memories for him, left Zimbabwe and arrived at Ireland in a few day's time. He checked into the Best Western hotel (they swore the stains were simply snape juice) and spent a short while roaming the lands, searching for what he used to have. Suddenly, while staring down upon his morning meal of Baked Alaskian Children and Ham, he remembered something his agent said once to him, a lifetime ago when he was directing movies. He had said, "Remember, Killerfurbies: there's only a slight difference between directing, and becoming a late night talkshow host - and that's the fact that one of them gets remembered, and one of them... well, there's always the fishies in the river." Confused by this, he visited the set of the Jayleno Latenight Show (which was conveniently recently relocated to Ireland) where he was immediately recognized by the producer and warmly greeted. Killerfurbies than killed Jayleno in a random surge of violence which he to this date swears was brought on by lots and lots of caffeine, and the Jayleno Show became Killerfurbies' Hour. Over then ext couple of days, Killerfurbies' show skyrocketed to the #1 spot evar, more popular than the Larry Dotter show. Killerfurbies finally found what he wanted: his return to fame.
[edit] IRC Quotes
- Sanity has joined #512net
- Sanity runs away
- <Killerfurbies> oh no!
- <Killerfurbies> i lost my sanity!'
- <Killerfurbies> i'm gonna get that mother fucker!
- Sanity giggles
- Killerfurbies lunges at sanity
- <BOD> you had sanity?
- Sanity rolls away
- <Killerfurbies> it's been in vegas
- <Killerfurbies> and what happens in vegas
- <Killerfurbies> stays in vegas
- <ToxicBubbles> Wow... I thought I was insane ._.
- Killerfurbies picks up a harpoon and throws it at sanity
- Sanity uses its magic powers to dodge the harpoon and take Killerfurbies' virginity
- <Killerfurbies> damn you!
- Killerfurbies eats sanity
- <Killerfurbies> haha gotcha bitch!
[edit] What Killerfurbies is NOT
- A flesh-eating manbearpig
- Joseph11
- doody
- sane
[edit] Word Killerfurbies Copyrighted
The following words were copyrighted by Killerfurbies. Using them without written permission will result in Killerfurbies ripping out the insides of your anus.
- yotally
- liek
- teh
- lawl
- 'ello
- luv
- root canal
