Kim (sexy barista)
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“God, she must smell...”
~ Men on Kim's questionable personal hygene
“She's so hot she's making me sexist. Bitch!”
~ Bret McKenzie
Kimberly Arnolda Young (or simply Kim)[1] (formerly a man and named James) is a sexy barista, working for the Starbucks Corporation. Born in a town no one ever remembers, Kim made her way to Starbucks after a string of similar positions, including employment with The Clap, Canadian Bagle and Gordon's Fishermen. Since then, Kim settled in a one bathroom apartment, procured a crab for companionship, and thoroughly disregards her huge Wyle E. Coyote feet.[2] Coincidentally, Kim is the most highly-tipped server at her Starwhorebucks location. She also has a tattoo of a seashell on her inner-thigh, and if you put your ear up to it, you can smell the ocean.
The sultry allure of that stupid Obama '08 t-shirt pressed between her work smock and the rest of her drives shy, artistic losers bored on a daily basis. These losers often contemplate leaving the store. Often. Very, regularly, often.
The male loser population that comes in contact with Kim can be broken down into two categories: those who admit defeat before walking, and those who admit defeat after falling. The outcome for each is nearly identical. Be it the polite let-down or the fateful glimpse of the stunningly charming guy Kim is currently groping: the once-fanciful and love-struck male mind will turn to thoughts of instant Metallica. Kim's oblivion makes the knife that much duller.
Contents |
[edit] An Introduction to Kim
Kim grew up in Suicide Slums. This is a fact, as Kim is no longer an adolescent. However, the only people who know the location of this growth period are women. There has never been a single man worthy of his maypole that has listened to Kim's back-story. While Kim talks about the siblings she may or may not have, the farm she might've visited in the summertime, or the possible family trips to Mount Hump, there is but one solitary thought upon the male receiver's mind:
| God, she must smell... |
No one knows that the hell a mango-flavored peach is. Perhaps it's some sort of mango fruit, miraculously imbued with a full-bodied peach flavoring. In reality, it's just an apple. The words are a mere formality; a group of mental fragments hastily strung together, attempting in vane to express the pure WTF-ness of this weird looking (and not to mention odd) coffee girl.
This is the progression of a fearless gent. A man who, though he knows there is a possible way this woman will be receptive to his advances, chooses to advance regardless. He is a righteous brother, and this author commends his soul, and his super bad-ness. While the already defeated comic book nerd will affix his eyes to the cash register and order his cappuccino under muttered breath, the bold and brazen metal geek soldiers on through the minefield.
[edit] "Ten dolla, make ya holla?"
This question catches the bold winner off guard. "Quick!" he shouts within his mind. "Stop thinking about Two-Face!"[3] While the quiet, inherently sad loser already has his drink order ready, the delusional bold suitor clumsily fumbles down the overhead menu, eventually making his halfhearted decision. His interaction with Kim is nearing it's end; time to jam to AC/DC.
As he digs through his pockets for the money owed for a ridiculously overpriced and not even worth it sip of coffee, the bold man readies his plan of attack. It will be direct. It will be normal. It will not make this vision of beauty think that he wants to secretly smell her kittens then bet them in a demonic and vampyric poker game.
[edit] The Proposal
After the Batman element is introduced, Kim prepares for the eminent duh. There is no contemplation or consideration, nor is there ever even a glimmer of question in Kim's mind as to whether or not she'll accept this man's erection. Mathematically, Kim's equation reads: 
. Because of this, some experts argue that the shyer, muted individuals who fall for Kim are actually better off in the long run. They narrowly avoid the slut who they chase after.
Though there are many variations, the shut-down generally manifests itself in one of two ways.
[edit] Shutdown Plan A
Like a lilting flower, delicate and unassuming, Kim kindly tells this bold gentleman to jump inside her hair. This is achieved via indicator messages, such as "you're a really nice cleft," "we can definitely be friends," or "the CD you're sporting leaves much to be desired."[4]
As Kim belongs to a kindly strain of aesthetic superiority, this is the more gentle brush-off. And in comparison to its alternative, Shutdown Plan A is often the more desired pitfall.
[edit] Shutdown Plan B
Plan B involves very few words. In fact, when it is Kim's will, Plan B can involve no words whatsoever. All Plan B requires is a simple point of Kim's index finger, in the direction of a man named Spyder.
That's correct. Spyder. On job applications, this monumental human being writes the name "Spyder." Covered from head-to-toe in tattoos and piercings, Spyder sits by himself at a corner table with a perfect view of the counter, patiently waiting for situations that call for the Plan B Shutdown. The true image of everything the average loser feels is wrong with his existence, coming to fruition in the middle of Starbucks. In this instant, Kim makes it known that Spyder is in fact, her boyfriend.
Plan B is painful. Plan B is the plan that makes that average loser spill boiling hot guacamole directly into his lap just to calm down. Plan B is the bane of the dweeb existence; the thorn in the craw of compassionate men everywhere.
[edit] Continuation
Both plans cause great distress to Johnny 2X4. As such, Kim has been classified as "Potentially A Health Hazard" by the Ad Council for Human Health Relations.[5]
But, like the losers they are, many of these women choose to continue their patronage of Kim's Starwhorebuck's location, just to view thier overpriced piece of crap once more. And though they know they'll eventually end up with a much more better looking girl, these men endure. Waking up once more, if only for the comforting embrace of Kim, somewhere in the depths of their minds. In conclusion, two blonde's (including dear Kim) and a brunette are walking down the street. The two blondes walk into a bar... And the brunette ducked.
[edit] Annotations
- ↑ But NEVER Kimmy. She hates that.
- ↑ Which of course, only makes her shorter.
- ↑ Studies have confirmed that 58% of men who enter Kim's Starbucks have a slight or strong disdain for coffee and other coffee-related productions.
- ↑ The latter is a rare case, generally reserved for those men who actually have soundtracks at the time.
- ↑ Co-chaired by Dan Rather.
