Kim Jong-Ill
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Kim Jong-Il, also known as King John Ill K-Jong, Lil' Kim, Kim Jong the Second,and Kim Jong Mentally Ill to his many enemies, is the baddest MC to ever come out of the Communist stronghold of North Korea, and goes by the nickname "The Illmatic." He is an Internet expert. A former world snooker professional see here, he has a taste for dressing wack with those big "Elvis" shades, turb brown waiter suits and the trademark "Buckwheat" hair style. Despite his lavish lifestyle, he has frequently told the (propaganda) press that he is ronery. He owns many western DVD movies, and is reportedly into fisting.
Kim Jong Il is also the greatest golfer evar! Did you know that in his first golf game he ever played, he got a hole in one on every hole? It's true, he also wrote seven operas in a year.
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[edit] World records
[edit] Kim Jong-Ill's records
Kim Jong-Ill holds a great number of records in North Korea, and worldwide.
- Jong-Ill is world champion at playing the guitar, and he plays very many instruments.
- Jong-Ill got the record worldwide in basketball playing, and he is undoubtly one of the best athletes in any sports.
- Jong-Ill has the greatest drumset in the world in his basement, with the most drums and cymbals in the world.
- Jong-Ill has the largest pornography collection in North Korea, and worldwide has the largest collection of any politician in recent memory second only to former U.S. President Bill Clinton.
[edit] North Koreas great records worldwide
- In Pyongyang they got the greatest shopping mall in the world with the most stores in the world.
- North Korea currently has the most barber shops in the world.
- The North Korean soccer team got the most players in the world.
- In North Korea they got the best air in the world.
- North Korea got the greatest dental care in the world as shown the picture to the right.
[edit] Chairman of the MCs
During the 90s, Kim Jong-Ill took the rap world by storm with vicious flows and Cult of Personality. At first using the name "Lil' Kim", due to his short stature and genital size, Kim allowed Brooklyn-born rapper Kimberly Jones to use the moniker, stating "Kim don' nee' tha' bitch shit, yo!", using the initials "KJI" instead. Indeed, though his personality was seen as the epitome of hip-hop self-aggrandizement, it also earned the ire of a lot of inferior rappers. MC Hammer was the first to fall to Kim Jong-Ill in a freestyle battle when the belt holding Hammer's pants up burst due to the intense pressure of Kim's fast and forceful rhymes. Kim also rapped with Tupac, but when Tupac became too popular, it is believed he was raped with a zucchini by North Korea's state secret police, or possibly by a deranged Roy Rogers.
Afterwards, KJI made a name for himself publicly humiliating other MCs during his live shows (he does not believe in recording songs), drawing tears from NaS, Grandmaster Flash, Dougie Howser, and the Pope. Finally, when he insulted Eminem, it was believed that he had gone too far. However, even Slim Shady couldn't stand up to The Kim for long, and it remains the only feud that Marshall Mathers III has ever given up on. In the meantime, Kim's popularity rose as it became abundantly clear that as much as growing up in the inner city in America is rough, it's ten times as rough growing up in North Korea. The US is big scary thing that must be eliminated to him, but he has a habit of carrying some caucasians into the snooze with him. He once rapped, "Other niggas is just fakin'/They rap about eatin' pussies, but I'm the only one to actually bake 'em." "Huh nigga wat y'all gotta say now, you dun eat pussies."
[edit] Current pursuits
These days, The Illmatic is the 'dear leader' of North Korea, ever since his pimpd diddy, Kim Il Sung, died in 1994. He also runs his own record label, (as N. Korea has not yet invented the CD) which churns out all the best in North Korean rap music. He remains the only major music celebrity who argues that copying MP3 files over the Internet should be government-funded everywhere (it is in North Korea) because music is "something fo' all dem comrades around the world to share, a'ight." He also owns the Al Qaeda theme park in Paris, where he frequently holds benefit concerts. According to American TV news anchor David Letterman, the park is managed by Kim's brother, Menta Li-Ill.
His proteges in the Australia include Daewoo motor corporation, a company known for its sub-standard levels of quality and safety. Being a keen propagandist, Kim Jong Ill recruited General Motors Holden (Australian Subsidiary of GM) employees to place holden badges on a range of Daewoo models to win public approval and brand loyalty.
His proteges in the United States include the Ill Posse, a hip-hop collective with over thirty members that talk about how real it is living on the streets, and how cool it would be to overthrow the government and establish a Socialist utopia.
His interests in occultism lead him into building a temple for Cthulhu, badly disguised as Ryugyong Hotel in Pyongyang.
The Kimster also recently had a starring role he attained in the famous flick 'Team Korea: World Niece' which netted a total 441 jillion ping-pongs (the N. Korean monetary unit) at the box office, an equivalent of 17 million U.S. dollars, an equivalent of 0.1615 British pennies, an equivalent of your mom (cheap).
Letterman, who makes the Kim beat something of a specialty, also reports that Kim has recently married, his new bride being Fran Drescher.
In the recent times, Kim Jong Ill/Il/II/2nd decided to expand his influence and business even further by starting a chain of his liquor stores in the US. There have been rumors of gang wars near the stores, but the their true cause is still unknown. Speculations say that gangs want to pledge their loyalty to the Illmatic the Great by trying to gain domination in the area. George W. Bush said he would declare war on Illmatic stores if the violence doesn't cease immediately. What will exactly happen is unknown, but it is said in various circles that Chuck Norris may intervene.
Kim Jong the 3rd has denied all connections to the outbreaks of violence.
He is presently in negotiations to participate in an Ann Coulter bukkake video.
[edit] Prophecized death
According to time traveling transvestite Jackie Kennedy, Jong will be killed by a flying testicle launched from George W. Bush himself in 2009. After further analysis Jackie acknowledged this might not happen, as the victim of this event could in fact be a body double (probably the American comedian Bobby Lee).
To ensure that public panic and confusion won't ensue from the prophecy, The Jong has benevolently sponsored a social program of wide-spread hunger, torture and misery throughout his hood.
This is, of course, a complete falsehood. It is proven to be that the number of Kim Jongs at any one time can be only less then 12.
[edit] Quantum prove of total number of Kim Jong namespaces
Kim Jong Ill is written as Kim Jong III If the son of Kim Jong III is named after Kim Jong III he'd be Kim Jong IIIII This, of course, is silly. It should be written as Kim Jong V Now Kim Jong V has a son and names him Kim Jong V II We write this as Kim Jong V times 2 making it Kim Jong X If Kim Jong X gets pregnant and has a boy or girl (doesn't really matter at this point) this Kim Jong would get the postfix X II (pronounced K'SI). X meaning 10 and II still meaning 2 comes down to 10 + 1 = 11, 11 + I = 11I. see! Therefore with this Kim Jong 11I (or Kim Jong III (or Kim Jong Ill)) All permutations within the Kim Jong namespace are covered.
If any Kim Jong V would ever get get triplets all of reality would collapse into one quantum singularity due to the instability cause by the sudden change of the constant Omega that is directly linked to universally fixed variables like the maximum number of Kim Jongs that exist.
Capitol: Rockport, Texas
