Kimchi

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Jars of kimchi in all their splendor. Yep, that's all of it.

Kimchi consists of kim, chi, or even imch. It is a staple dish in any Korean domicile.

[edit] Preparation

The mystical art of making kimchi involves several heads of cabbage, salt, red pepper and various spices, magic, an old Korean, a young Korean, a big honkin' jar, and at least 80 pounds of Chuck Norris's spirit. Many rednecks believe that Koreans use monosodium glutamate (MSG), but it is the adorable Chinese people who enjoy extensive usage of MSG. Some traditional family variations on the recipe include adding fish parts, other dirty vegetables that grow underground (like a bunny would eat), love, circuit boards, and gummi berry juice. In ancient times it was considered good luck for young mothers to add a small amount of their baby's feces (instead of fermented bean paste) to the concoction. Legend dictates that once everything is stirred together in the giant jar you should bury it in your backyard for a period of time to hope it turns into gold. Usually it just turns into kimchi, or in rare instances a Starcraft server, but one can dare to dream. Irish leprechans were known to frequent Korean backyards prior to the 18th century mistaking earthen kimchi pots for their ellusive pots o' gold. This ended as leprechans began to get their asses kicked with leet Taekwondo skills. If you wish bad luck on someone you can bury your jar in their backyard instead. Stealing kimchi is a high crime punishable by loss of internet connection, or beating with a length of bamboo shoot, whichever is deemed to be more painful.

[edit] Serving

Like revenge it is best served cold. Or inasmuch as that you like it warm, you probably do not eat it.

[edit] Benefits

Kimchi is the part of the trifecta that gives Koreans their power, the other parts being seaweed (kim), and dried squid jerky. If you are not Korean and just read that you might start bleeding from the eyes, sorry about your luck, it's a curse, deal with it. Sometimes tiny dried sardines are used in place of the squid depending on the season. Powers have been noted as heightened immune system, strong-like-bull endurance, better hand-eye coordination, and easier more regular chi movements. It has also been proven to protect those who eat it from Sars, the deadly chicken 'flu and the common cold. It is strongly suspected that in the event of a nuclear attack from the north kimchi will protect its eaters from the unwanted effects of radiation. First-time kimchi users will also note that their crap smells worse than anything they've smelled in the 5 years prior to their consumption of kimchi. (NOTE: Scientific research has recently confirmed that your crap will actually smell worse than when you were two years old.)

Kimchi is particularly important militarily, since it was the combine effects of soju breath and kimchi farts that drove the Japanese occupiers from the peninsula.

[edit] Health Risks

Kimchi has been cited in a number of cases involving consumer deaths. There is contention as to whether the ultimate cause of death was impurities (chemicals) in the Kimchi or the fermented and high salinity nature of the Kimchi itself. However, the proximate causes of death: bleeding ulcers, gastro-intestinal infection, dementia, suicide and leprotic de-limbing and related bleeding, are widely agreed upon. This has raised questions for regulatory agencies: should Kimchi be more heavily regulated, ie, government issued licenses to buy, make, or carry kimchi concealed on your persons? Should it be subject to an outright ban due to public safety concerns? There are no easy answers.