King Arthur
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“Exactly, Who Cares”
~ Uncle James Fonzarelli
“Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government.”
~ Dennis on King Arthur
King Arthur is the famous British king of Authoritarian Legend, well-known as both a Protector of the British Isles from people not usually considered to be Britons and the man responsible for the foundation of the aforementioned Authoritarian Legend that was spoken of before.
[edit] Possible Reign
During his possible reign from 356-1023AD (in which he may have been alive for some or all of the years credited to him), he is rumoured to have done a great many things, things involving swords and sorcery, wizards and warriors, and dungeons and dragons. As opposed to the current political malaise faced by the British Isles, wherein the most exciting political developments revolve around the nuances of the UK's involvement with the European Union or whether Tony Blair is a blackguard or merely a blighter, King Arthur's political developments revolved exclusively around sex and violence, and thus make for a rollicking good read.
Toward the end of his life, Arthur went through intense sessions of chemo therapy to cure what was originally believed to be testicular cancer. However, the good king was actually growing an addition set of testicles. Dude was just that ballsy. The chemo treatments were immediately halted, and the royal smiths added additional plate to his armour to make room for His Royal Majesty's Secondary Royal Scrotum.
[edit] A King is Crowned, and There Was Much Rejoicing
Having watched Monty Python and the Holy Grail nearly a dozen times and seen some kind of special on the History Channel about his reign, Uncyclopedia can offer one of the most complete, accurate, and revisionist pictures of King Arthur that we are aware of.
We understand we should probably read more. File complaints here.
In any case, Arthur was once a peasant boy, and he was probably filthy and covered in shit, as all little boys in the Middle Ages invariably were. He may or may not have seen the Romans come and go from the Britishe Isles, though it's much more likely he watched them go. And go they did. Had he known that his future predecessor of the past, Boudicca, had perished trying to protect the Britishe Isles from the Romans, he might have applied himself a little bit more in Little Filthy Peasant Boy Academy.
As it was, he befriended a creepy old man known as Randy Merlin, esq., who taught him how to become a fish (among other things). Then, there was the matter of a sword stuck in a pile of dung, though it was left there on account of the awful smell. A different sword, one stuck in better-smelling stone, was then selected by pranksters as the One Sword to Unite Them All, though it is unclear who Them were. History, as it is, points to the Britons, though it could also be the Saxons, who were taking longer and longer holidays in Britain around this time.
Once he had secured the sword, Arthur proceeded to unite Them all, and conversely, Them were all too happy to crown him Kinge of Angle-land. So, at the tender age of 17 or so, Arthur found himself King of all he surveyed, and even things beyond his field of vision.
[edit] A More or Less Informed Take on The Knights of the Round Table and All of That
Every King needs his knights, or so it seems, and Arthur was no different. Was there some kind of knight sign-up that he orchestrated to attract the best knights in the land? Or, did he simply appoint his relatives and lackeys to choice positions? There were rumours that King Arthur employed Peter Kenyon and attracted investments from a certain Russian Jew to help him complete his "Galaticos of the Rounnd Table Project". Yaa, and he supported gay marriage and whity tidy underwear. HE was really dumn
Somebody knows. And that somebody may be you. Then why, exactly, are you reading this? Smart ass.
Regardless, after a time, Arthur assembled what was almost certainly a bunch of men with armor and swords. Due to the fact that he was an unimaginative git, the round table that they sat around, drank excessively and passed gas upon would bear their name. In conversations, it might sound a little like this:
Lancelot: Hey.
Some Nobleman: So, what have you been up to?
Lancelot: Actually, I got a new job.
Some Nobleman: Really! Where are you working?
Lancelot: Over in Camelot.
Some Nobleman: Come again?
Lancelot: You know, for King Arthur. I'm part of his Round Table.
Some Nobleman: Really? That's great. That's great for you.
Lancelot: Yeah, it's not bad... Actually, wait, it is great for me. I get to fuck the boss's wife. Not really in my contract, you understand. But I think it falls under "Other duties, as assigned," or something.
Some Nobleman: Right, then. Well, good luck with that.
Lancelot: Well say, I'm off to "Lancer-Lot," if you get me.
Some Nobleman: Do shut it.
Some of these knights had names - famous names - like Sir Lancelot, Sir Gawain, Sir Didymus, Sir Elton John, and Sir Not Appearing in this Article. And as sure as no one ever actually practiced the code of chivalry, they rode around the land doing various things, possibly for the benefit of ordinary citizens. For Arthur was a good king, not one of those bad ones, such as that Herod character in the Bible, or the nefarious King Friday. No, King Arthur was all about helping old women cross the street, holding the door open for you, and requiring your services annually to serve in his army after the harvest season concluded.
[edit] The Crusades
The only known appearance of King Arthur in the crusades was during the battle of the lamp posts, where in a tragic scotch egg related injury he lost 3 of his 7 testicles.
[edit] The Fall of King Arthur
Despite all of the greatness achieved in his life, King Arthur's demise was far from glorious...His early years were great, sure, but towards the end the dude started going a little crazy...okay screw that..he went APE-SHIT! Controversy plagued his short-lived career as a sidekick to the "Great Merlin"- an alcoholic magician who took to card tricks when all else failed - as Arthur started to abuse the rather popular drug at the time, Chrsytal Meth. The times with Merlin were fun, of course, late nights, late mornings. Drinking. Womanizing. Touching himself in front of a mirror. All such things were side-effects of his relentless drug-abuse. Walking naked through the streets in the long fall of 1845, Arthur was sighted to be rubbing baby oil over his nude form and singing the song "ba ba blacksheep". This was the last straw and his agent, Chuck Norris, forced him to check into rehab. In rehab he met a man named "Dick", kind of reminded him the celebrity "James Woods". In one confrontation with Dick outside in the rain, Dick professed his love for the troubled king, and they engaged in mutual felacio for approximately 7 hours, and this experience led to the enlightenment of the King! Seven years of rehab followed however as the King was still trying 2 overcome the horrible side-effects of what he had labelled "Daddy's Salty-Sweetness" (simply refering to the rock-like nature of his "sweet" drug of choice) Yet after the Seven years were done, enlightened, a little weary, and almost broke, Arthur looked back on the words Mr. Woods (that's what he used to call Dick) had whispered into his ear that cold, passionate night outside in the rain..."let go of the Meth, alcohol is the way to go baby, urgh THAT'S right...yeaaaaaaa"..... .... ....... So the years ensued with Arthur turning to alcohol to solve all his troubles, and it kind of worked really. Whiskey actually defeated the great Drangon Invasion of 1992, and many still alive this day can recall how Johny heinnekan the brave fought to to the death against a wild boar armed with super-lazers and samurai swords which had been terrorizing the streets of camelot for 11 straight weeks! But alcohol had it's bad-side as well...it gave him a necrotic liver.... ....and he died within about 7 days after checking out of rehab.... he like...literally drank himself 2 death... james woods killed him the meth wasn't even affecting him THAT bad physical... in fact it made him kinda stronger to think about it... ... like actually, a LOT stronger! jeeze.... ANYWAY... When all was said and done, Arthur looked back on his reign and said thusly, "Well, it was a good run. I fucked a lot of hoes, smoked my Lime Optimos, capped a lotte of marke-ass fools, and walked the Pimpe Walke as it shoulde be walked. Heere me well, my houmies miriade, and biury me with alle the Cristal and Hennessey in the Kingdome."
King Arthur was survived by his sons, Charlemagne, Bill Stickers, Bruce Dickinson, and Glenn Danzig, as well as his Mexican housemaid, Lupita.
[edit] Awards and Achievements
During his reign, King Arthur:
- was crowned 0 times
- got laid 0 times
- Invented the Chinese art and science of acupuncture
- launched 0 ships
- opened 0 supermarkets
- built 0 bridges
- fought 0 wars
- changed 0 religions
- died 0 times (sort of - he died before his reign really, not during it)
- got married once (sort of - see above)
- succeeded in the genocide of 0 clans of Ireland or Scotland
- used 0 wishes
- had 0 hits on his webpage
- Invented the Spear only to have his idea stolen several years beforehand.
- Won the war on terror
[edit] King Arthur as evil French Propaganda
Recent archaeological findings seem to point that King Arthur as a British medievil king is in fact an example of Evil French Propaganda (Like Billy Elliot). As an example, the following paragraph of "The search of the holy grill" by the supposed britishman Steve Lemond ("Le mond" an obvious reference to the french world domination conspiracy):
"...Ande kinge Athurth dide indeede lookede forth theth holye grille, hie looked ine die mountes, hie looked ine theth castleths,
King Arthur as a British medievil king is in fact an example of Evil French Propaganda, LOL
ande hie dide enliste die helpe ofe threeth goode chapths callede: Lancelote, Gawaine ande Mordrede..."
Notice the subtext (Between the lines). To try and remedy this loophole in history, bBritish archeology experts made up a last minute theory: "Arthur was in fact the progenitor of the British race and a direct descendant of God (God-Jesus-This guy-Arthur-Entire British race)".
[edit] See Also
| Preceded by: Boudica | Protector of the British Isles 356 - 1023 | Succeeded by: King Harold
|
| Preceded by: Samuel Chatto | Line of Succession to the British Throne | Succeeded by: You for now... |
Barmy British Stuff 
