Kingfisher

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“Come with me, and I'll show you a fisher of kings!”

~ Jesus on Kingfishers

“Yeah, I did a kingfisher on the guy once...”

~ Oscar Wilde on Misinterpreted Statements

Kingfishers are very large birds of prey indigenous to many areas of Asia, Europe and North America. They have powerful hooked beaks for tearing flesh, and strong talons. Their wingspan often exceeds 20 feet.

[edit] Diet

Despite its colourful name, the kingfisher does not, of course, live on kings. It also hunts queens, emperors, princes, dukes, viceroys and any other high-ranking members of the nobility. Kingfishers have even been known to capture and devour mere knights and dames, but such incidents are extremely rare. Due to their large size and great strength, kingfishers are capable of carrying off and devouring all but the most portly of monarchs.

[edit] Habitat

Kingfishers are known to nest in tall trees and on cliff tops. However their nests are most often found high up in caves.

The most obvious sign of a kingfisher roost is often not the nest itself, but rather the litter of crowns, sceptres, staves of office and other assorted regal paraphernalia strewn beneath it. Like its distant relative, the owl, the kingfisher swallows its prey whole and later regurgitates the indigestible portions.

It is believed that these 'hoards' gave rise to many of our myths and legends, as in ancient times, credulous peasants finding these piles of gold and jewels in caves attributed their presence to the avaricious collecting instinct of dragons. Of course, in this enlightened age, we know that dragons became extinct long before the first human king ascended his throne.

[edit] Dangers

Although kingfishers will not knowingly attack persons of low blood (unless defending their nests), nevertheless hundreds of commoners are unnecessarily killed or injured by them every year. Most of these incidents occur around Hallowe'en, when people living in kingfisher hunting grounds dress as royalty and are mistakenly carried off by kingfishers. The kingfishers don't eat these hapless peasants, of course, but few victims survive the bird's first bite, and fewer still the subsequent indignant ejection from the nest.

[edit] Decline

Unfortunately, like so many birds of prey, the kingfisher is now classed as an endangered species. Global trends, characterised in particular by a significant increase in worldwide democracy levels, have led to a marked decline in the kingfishers' prey populations and hence in the kingfisher population itself. In recent years, however, numbers of kingfishers in some areas have begun to rise again, as certain groups have adapted to feed on presidents, members of parliament and other high-ranking elected officials.

[edit] Famous Victims

Due to the nature of their prey, kingfishers have been responsible for the deaths of many notable historical personages. Examples include:

• Henry VII
• George II through V (inclusive)
• Martin Luther King, Jr.
• Elvis
• Duke Ellington
• Freddie Mercury
• Rex Harrison

[edit] Near Misses

Other celebrities have been more fortunate, narrowly avoiding kingfisher attacks. For example, Don King was once swooped upon by a kingfisher in a public park near his home. However, the bird was scared off by King's intimidating plumage.

A close call with a kingfisher is also the reason that the artist is formerly known as Prince.