Royalty

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“I've found myself kneeling before quite a number of prominent Kings and their pants were down in my time”

~ Noel Coward on Royalty

The Royal Parisian Palace of The Most Valiant and Honarable Disney Line

[edit] About Royalty

Royalty isn't an institution of government; oh no! You're most likely thinking of Monarchy. No, royalty is that special quality that makes those born of noble blood fit by Divine Right to rule over the rest of us mere mortals who are their subjects. Most of the worlds Monarchy's can be found in Disneyland Paris.

[edit] The Company They Keep

Minor Royals and Heirs to the Throne alike are often to be found in the company of lesser nobility, debutantes, the children of media celbrities and trust-fund millionnaires: Hooray Henries and Henriettas, with enormous teeth, and either loud, braying voices or an affected upper class manner of speaking learned at boarding school. They may be seen wherever rich people go to spend money, whether tearing up the countryside in pursuit of native fauna, snorting coke with the coxless rowing team or enjoying the benefits of daddy's investments, inherited wealth and the ancestral home.

[edit] The Divine Right of Kings

Monarchs are not democtratically elected political leaders; they are appointed directly by God to rule over their subjects. When God decides that a new Noble House is needed to take the helm of a nation, His Will is usually demonstrated by God's nominated successor assassinating the old incumbent and all of his heirs, or raising an army to defeat the old King's army in bloody battle. In either case, the death or exile of the old King is the result. If a pretender to the throne fails to unseat the old King, it may be taken as a sure sign that God isn't on the side of the upstart.

[edit] The Right of Succession and the Rule of Primogeniture

The Divine Right passes from a Monarch to his heirs, in order of gender first, and age second. Each successive generation of the King's descendants may continue to reign with God's blessing until He decides a change is needed and ordains a war. Because boys are better than girls at everything, it is desirable for a Monarch to have a male heir. The King or Queen's oldest son is always first in line to the throne, followed by the next oldest son, and so on. The oldest daughter stands in line to the throne after the youngest son. Only after she has stood in line long enough that any brothers she has have died, she may be allowed to sit.

[edit] The End of the Line

A Monarch dying without an heir can give rise to a state of instability and can result in civil war if rival candidates for Kingship emerge with equal claim to the throne, in which case they will fight it out to decide which of the them God has chosen. Kings have in the past devised cunning strategies to minimise the possibility of dying without issue. Henry VIII is widely known to have married six wives, one after the other, in the hope that one might bear him a son. A common traditional strategy of Kings anxious to continue their line was to reproduce as widely and as frequently as possible by Droit de Seigneur.

[edit] The Precariousness of Monarchy

Dying without a successor has been a serious concern for Monarchs in Europe for as long as there have been Kings and Queens. In the Dark Ages the average life expectancy for a monarch was 25 years, since the institutions of government were precarious at best, and Kingdoms were prone to invasion by neighbours almost on a weekly basis. King Ethelred the Unready fought off no fewer than 23 challenges to his throne in a single year in 989AD, eventually succumbing to a poisoned dart at the age of 31. He died without an heir.

[edit] Inbreeding

Henry the Ape had a particularly unusual family tree

Reasoning that Divine Right was carried by Kings in their blood, the Crowned Heads of Europe preferred to marry into one another's families. If God had appointed them to rule each of their Kingdoms, then it followed that one's heir would be a more worthy successor if both parents were themselves Royalty. It was supposed that the dilution of Royal blood by marrying commoners weakened Kingly power, prompting God to appoint challenges to the old order, leading to insurrection, chaos and bloodshed. For over 1,000 years, European Royals have been marrying their cousins in order to maintain the purity of the Royal blood and to keep the wealth of nations within the family. One adverse side effect has been to amplify the incidence of haemophilia among Royals, so that before the blood clotting agent Factor 8 was isolated, more than half of European princes died of blood loss before marrying and producing an heir.

Inbreeding also increased the prevalence of madness among Royalty; already high due to tertiary syphilis being endemic among high society and the aristocracy going back centuries. With so many Kings and Princes failing to reproduce due to murder, war, genetic anomalies, madness and disease, it is fortunate that inbreeding supplies a partial solution as well as contributing to the problem of heirlessness. If a European Monarch dies without an heir, a cousin, aunt or uncle can easily be found among the Royal Family of a neighbouring country to accede to the vacant throne. The only downside of this, of course, is where two or more such cousins have an equal claim to the throne, in which case war is the usual outcome. In recent times, European Kings and Queens have begun marrying commoners in order to bring new blood and genetic diversity into their families.

[edit] Kings no one Knows about

There was one official King of Wales, the small kingdom of Merthyr Vale was home Of King James "Watcyn" Evans in the year 4000 AC/DC. It is not actually known how long he regined for but it is estimated that he lasted over 200 years. During this time he was responsible for over a hundred deaths and pregnancies, but none of them resulted in children being born. It is believed that he is infertile after a legendary fight with Chuck Norris which he lost due to a round house kick to the balls. OUCH!

It is also believed that he was Jewish in nature but christain in mind. He was responsible for leading the Jews to rebel against the mighty Zordan and his mindless bunch of perverted teens. James army managed to secretly steal porn tapes of Zordan and his gay cyborg friend Alfa, and post them on the ancient broadcasting media site Yoootoobe. This led to a major downfall in Zordan's Ranks and the end of the Power Rangers as we know them (they are now called Power Rangers anal force).

James is rumoured to be buried next to the Queens mother as he had a love - hate relationship with her. He was apparently 901 years old when he kicked the bucket but his sex crimes are still affecting young hindu civilians today. --JamesE08 18:15, 14 March 2008 (UTC) James Evans

[edit] The Other King

There was another King based in the very near Kingdom of Troedyrhiwshire, His name was King Scott Thomas (King Bambi to his subjects)Also of 4000 AC/DC. Many battles were fought between King James and King Bambi but they always ended with both army's retreating, After a 40 year battle and a lot of women in between King Bambi found love with King James's Mother who later got both kings to agree to fight side by sida and destroy all other colonies in the Merthyr Tydfil region and to eventually overthrow the whole of Wales.

The only known religion believed to have been used in King Bambi's kingdom was Buddhism because it was relaxing and soothing before going into a royal battle, his Buddha's and King James's Jews Faught together against the Mighty Zordan and although King James's army managed to get all the porn and further humiliate zordan King Bambi just enjoyed the new territory Aquired by both Kings

King Bambi is said to have been buried the other side of the Queen's mother as they also had a love - hate relationship with eachother King Bambi outlasted King James by a further 100 years meaning that although they were born in the same period King Bambi lived until he was 1001 years old and died by slipping on a bananna peal and it is due to the fact that he died like this is why many children in today's day and age refuse most fruits and the buddha's now live in peace following all the words and all the known wisdom of the Great King Bambi

[edit] Etiquette

Bowing and scraping

[edit] Passing Gas (Breaking wind)

Once, when Oscar Wilde was waiting in line to receive his OBE from Her Majesty Victoria, Queen of England and Empress of India, he inadvertently broke wind. An equerry reprimanded him for this breach of etiquette: "Mr Wilde, do you not know that it is a terrible faux pas to fart before the Queen?", to which Oscar replied "My dear fellow, I'm terribly sorry; I didn't know it was her turn."

[edit] Flags and other Royal Insignia

In addition to the flag of his nation, every King has his own flag, which is displayed or 'flown' to signify that the King is at home. The original purpose of this custom was to advertise to his subjects that the King was receiving visitors and that anyone who fancied a chat was welcome to come up to the front gates and request an audience. However, because you can never be too careful nowadays, one rarely gets to see the King without arranging an appointment several days in advance. In modern times, the flag flown over a Royal residence serves chiefly as a signal to the milkman to leave 6 pints of milk if the Royal family is at home, and 4 if they are not.

[edit] The Royal Court

A Royal household doesn't run itself, you know. A great many courtiers and servants are required to keep such a large estate and the Kingdom it governs in good running order, which is why the institution of monarchy is good for the economy; it is a good employer and worth every penny of public subsidy it receives from taxes and the generous living allowances accorded to the Crown by its Parliament. The retainers of the Royal Court include the sons and daughters of the highest nobility as well as menial staff recruited from the lower orders. Most Royal households keep a number of residences, all of which must be maintained whether the Royal Family is in attendance or not. Some of the Royal retainers travel with the Royal Family to tend to their daily needs, such as valets and ladies in waiting, and important advisors on matters of state whose constant attendance upon the monarch is necessary for the effective government of the Realm. Other courtiers and servants are charged with the upkeep of the palace or castle of their permanent quarters.

[edit] List of Courtiers

A vizier (right) advises his monarch (left)

Typically, a Royal household will have courtiers and servants of the following types among its staff:

Vizier (1) - a man with a polished bald/shaved head and a long, thin, Oriental moustache, to offer advice to the Monarch on politics, government, plotting, scheming, Machiavellianism, spying, torture and execution; and also to carry out the Monarch's special instructions. Often the King's Vizier is accorded a generous degree of discretion in carrying out his duties.
Jester (1), Chaplin (1), Poet Laureate (1), Master of the King's Hounds (1), Keeper of the King's Aviaries (1), Sergeant at arms (1), Man-at-Arms (1), Man-e-Faces (1), Ram Man (1), Astrologers, Privy Counsellors, Equerries, Secretaries, Ladies in waiting, House keepers, Butlers, Under butlers, Valets, Manservants, Attendants, Pages, Heralds, Tribunes, Maids, Handmaids, Chamberlains, Chambermaids, Flunkies, Footmen, Batmen, Boot boys, Best boys, Key grips, Dolly grips, Beefeaters, Bodyguards, Men at arms, Chauffers, Gardeners, Gamekeepers, Groundsmen, Guardsmen, Wardens, Gatekeepers, Gaolers, Executioners, Headsmen, Armourers, Falconers, Harriers, Farriers, Sadlers, Grooms, Stablehands, Chefs, Cooks, Porters, Ninnies, Nannies, Fannies, Scullery maids, Serfs

[edit] Compendium of Royalty

[edit] Kings and Queens of Everything

King Jesus, The King of Kings (Everything)

[edit] Kings and Queens of Europe

The institution of monarchy has a long tradition in Europe. Europe has a great many castles and palaces, many more of which would sit empty were it not for the continued existence of Royalty.

King Henry VIII	Prince John, kindly standing in for his brother Richard while the King is away fighting in the Crusades
Prince William, heir to the throne of England

[edit] Kings and Queens of the British Isles

Queen Boudicca (The Iceni)
Queen Elizabeth I & II (England)
Queen Elizabeth II (England) and Prince Philip (Greece)
The Queen of England (England)
Kingsley Amis (England)
Jonathan King (England)
Queen Victoria (England)
King George
King George V (England)
King George VI (England)
Henry V (England, France, Ireland, and a small villa just off the coast of Madagascar)
King Henry VIII (England)
Henry the Ape (England)
The King (England)
William the Conqueror (England)
King Harold (England)
King Arthur (Britain)
Mary, Queen of Scots (Scotland; Belgium)
King Cardiff IV (Wales)
Rhodri the Great (Wales)

[edit] Kings and Queens of Other European Nations

Holy Roman Emperor Yugo Hugo II, 1428-1445	Fuhrur King Omar Bradley, ruler of the Amestris Empire (Germany), 1933-1945
The Man Who Would Be King	Vlad The Impaler, AKA Dracula