Kingston Upon Hull

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hull rocks !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Never will you find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy" ”

~ Obi Wan Kenobi on Hull

“ Ah yes, how well I remember that pioneering place; the home of "standard toilets" ”

~ Oscar Wilde on Hull

“ It was me who said; if a man is tired of Hull, he has become sane.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Hull

“ Hull sucks.”

~ Captain Obvious on Hull

“ Eerrhhh neerrrhhh!”

~ a Hullie on the flooding

[edit] Basically...

Hull is situated just outside of the self-deluding capital of the North, Beverley (even though we all know thats not a REAL place). There are two types of Hullopian (also known as Hullies in non-standard English), the imbred lower class council house tenants and the upper class people who hunt them on horses. The people who live in Hull mostly think themselves lucky to live there... a place where you can see the very air that you breathe. Sited near the banks of the River Hull, famed for it's clear excrement-brown waters it is an ideal place for those set on, or just contemplating, depression followed by suicide.

Due to the large amount of Hullopians that were disappearing and popping up again in different locations around the contry, a 547ft high wall around the city's perimeter was erected in 1989 to keep the bastards in. Since the construction of the wall, the only way out of Hull is to cross the river. The supreme giant toll-collectors are responsible for border control. Anyone wishing to leave the city must answer 3 questions correctly (testing their ability to form a coherent sentence) in order to be allowed to pass onto the almighty humber bridge; anyone who attempts these questions and fails is shot on site. Those who pass this stage must then travel on foot for 2 days before they reach the perilous land of "southbank". This process is intended to ween out the unworthy and ensure only the best reach the rest of civilization, and while it may not sound particularly difficult to most of us, rest assured that hull citizens must study for 19 years to be able to pass the test. Alternatively, they can choose to try and swim the river. Most of those who have tried have failed to make it even 1/2 way across, as the faeces in the river causes death by incessant vomiting often within 7 minutes of coming into contact with it. However, the 0.4% of those who make it all the way to southbank are usually allowed to live.

Hullies often find it difficult to integrate into society once outside Hull's walls, but there have been some success stories where these people have even made their way into respectable professions... where they get bullied by some awful people, especially bloody students! It's tragic, but true. However, we must remember that the Hullies who make it out are unstable and need our support if they are ever to lead a normal life, and we as a society should try to understand and accept the ways of the Hullopian, no matter how strange. In fact, why not "Hug A Hullie" today? Hell, maybe even adopt one! CALL 0800 485 567 426 now for more information on how you can do your bit for the Hullies.

Hull has a wealth of tourist attractions. These include the world's only underwater prison, the Deep, which holds those backstabbing bastards who have betrayed the Crown. These include Jesus, Julius Caesar, Elvis, John F. Kennedy, Alex Sheppard, Mika and Santa Claus.. Those filthy conspirators plotting against us.. but they don't fool me, oh no they don't, they've been planning against us - against me- on the moon, yes, the moon.

Hull is not without its share of fat people. I know it's disgusting, but it has to be said. Hull is the fattest place in all of Britain. Many of these disgusting pigs are allowed to walk the streets, although most of them were bombed in the blitz as they were unable to run away during air raids, they are still jamming up the pavements and offending normal people with their repugnant stench. The Hull City Council have stated proposals to make these "fat people" pay road tax, as they are causing more damage to the roads then articulated trucks. Eminent physicist Sam Twanedale, concidentally also from Hull, theorizes that if one fat person collides with another a shockwave large enough to destroy a small chicken pie shop could be created. This would then cause a chain reaction of fat people colliding with each other in a scramble to gobble chicken pies, thus destroying all of the chicken pie shops within the united kingdom.

For these reasons Hull must be avoided and these are just a few reason it is no longer shown on any of the new OS maps. Other reasons include the Blitz, when Adolf Hitler attempted to rid Hull of "doley bums" and "crack heads" using Messerschmitts.

Other notable features of the Hull include the tendency of its citizens to substitute the "o" sound in words (such as "no" and "broke") with an unclassified sound best described as "errhhhh". Indeed sentences such as "errrhhh nerrhhh the ceerrrhhceh cerrrla machine's breeerrrhhhke" have often been uttered around Hull. Small hand-held devices are available from Hull city council for a price of £20,000 which can aid with the translation from Hull to English for those who cannot avoid coming into contact with its residents.

A little known fact is that the chavettes of Hull are biologically different from other women, and are able to pop out a sprog in the space of 5 days. This has resulted from the pressures of evolution: Hullie women have adapted to be able to pop one out in order to keep the benefits rolling in.

[edit] In the news...

In June 2007, God sent the rain. It rained for 40 days and 29 nights, or something like that, and as the flood waters rose, cries of "eerrhh nerrhh" were heard from inside the walls of Hull. Because of these walls, the flood water had nowhere to go, and so for the next month, when a satellite focused on Hull, all that could be seen was what appeared to be a giant swimming pool. Although God had promised never again to send a flood like the one in the Noah story, he did anyway, and like in the story, a hero rose to save the day. And this time, it was the turn of a woman: a lesbian, coincidentally also known as Noah. Luckily, she didn't have to build a boat, as Hull has plenty sitting around anyway. And there weren't that many animals to save so she didn't have to worry about that. Noah took two of every type of Hullie: the crackheads, the doley-bums, the (super) mentally challenged, the fat, the slags, the fat slags, the dirty good-for-nothing chavs, the sweaty greebos, the elephant men/women, the pathetic emo kids and whatever else she could find, and stuck them on a P&O ferry. She also grabbed as many chicken pies and hypodermic needles as possible to supply the Hullies with all they would need. The Hullies on the ferry were told they had to repopulate Hull, a task which the slags and chavettes rose to fantastically...