Kirby
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“In Soviet Russia, giant marshmallow eats YOU!!”
~ Russian Reversal on Kirby
“He's a puffball, and he can swallow stuff.”
~ Captain Obvious on Kirby
“He sucks on everything; especially Samus.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Kirby
“He is kind of like a slinky. He is useless, but he brings a smile to your face when you push him down the stairs.”
~ Some Kid on Kirby
Kirby is a morbidly obese pink fatty, and has led an interesting and varied life, and now lives as a guitarist in his Madrid villa. He once was the world champion of Kitten Huffing, but lost his title to Muhammad Ali in 1947.
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[edit] The Life and Times of Kirby
Contrary to popular belief, Kirby is not a pokémon. He was born some time in the 1800s, to King Dedede of the planet Popstar, and Meta Knight's younger sister, Veta Night. In a freak birthing accident, Meta Knight's younger sister was inhaled by Kirby, killing her instantly. In rage and sorrow, King Dedede picked Kirby up by one flabby arm, swung him around 37 times, and threw him into space. Kirby, however, proved to be immune to space's lack of air or pressure air, and instead of dying, went into hibernation, until he came crashing back to Popstar in 1992.
[edit] The Beginning of Rock
He shook things up by introducing rock and roll to Popstar, when he found a guitar lying on the side of the road (after having inhaled the guy who was playing it). It almost seemed like Kirby had gained newfound powers the moment he touched the guitar. He soon went on to release his first album, "Dream Land" and went on to release several more albums, with catchy songs like Green Greens and Whispy Woods. Kirby owed much of his career to such alliterations. Kirby revolutionized guitar playing in 1994 with his debut guitar simulator "Kirby's Ultimate Happy Adventures" which was awarded 12 Grammy awards for being so freaking awesome. It was later noted that he inhaled Jennifer Love-Hewitt after receiving the awards from her.
Kirby is now actually in the middle of a lawsuit against Snoop Dogg for copy right infrindgement. As it turns out, the tune to Snoop Dogg's "Drop it Like Its Hot" is identical to Kirby's "dreamland" song. Upon hearing this, it was imediatly uploaded onto the internet. Links have been set up so that every time you watch this video, a small sum of money will be sent to kirby's fight against Snoop Dogg. Please help support the cause.
[edit] The End of Rock
Kirby was arrested twice, once in 1996, and a second time later in 1999, the first time was on allegations of being under the influence of crack-cocaine whilst wearing a top-hat, and eating 3 police officers while refusing to co-operate with police forces, and the second time was playing a quote "really loud rock n' roll" song which killed everybody else in a 4 mile radius. Also, to worsen the situation, Kirby had previously released several songs with names such as "Kracko"! After the decline of his presence in both games and guitar worlds, he brought out his own biography, the "Harry Potter" series, which was disowned by his loyal fans. In the year 2000, he surprised everybody and pleased many people with his groundbreaking album, "The Crystal Shards." This refreshing and interesting new take on Kirby's style appeared to be his final outing before a breakdown. After a mysterious disappearance since the 2001 9/11 attacks on the Big Ben clock tower in London, Kirby was later thought to be killed. Fans worldwide expressed remorse in the loss, even to the point of teens cutting themselves. Meanwhile, Meta Knight took his mask off for the first time in years and got drunk.
[edit] Regenesis
Kirby proved that the rumors of his demise were unfounded by releasing his latest album, "Nightmare in Dreamland" in 2002, with new tracks like Vegetable Valley and Butter Building. The new album was wildly popular and reminded people of Kirby's earlier albums, before he got into drugs and 64 bit systems. It seemed as though all Kirby fans praised Kirby's unexpected comeback. Even King Dedede was happy to see his return. However, Meta Knight grew incredibly angry, as he felt he had betrayed himself for showing his face in Kirby's lifetime. He taped his torn mask back together and hid himself from general view, going off to who knows where for a "reflection". Some gossips say that Kirby actually faked his own death as soon as he heard of the terrorist attacks. The reason was to increase sales, which is a rather desperate move if it proves to be true. Kirby denies it, saying that he wasn't in public too much as he was vigorously working on his new music.
[edit] Revenge of Meta Knight
Knight demands
his own article!Meta Knight wants an article about himself. He asked Wikipedia, but they only gave him four paragraphs on "List of Kirby Characters". Please help him out.
You're damn right he needs his own article. Meta Knight's threat was apparently not empty. One day, an unidentified stranger snuck behind Kirby in Central Park, and slashed him with a sword. The silhouette ran away quickly after, evading police. Kirby himself was in a coma for several months. Gooey, Kirby's best friend, just so happened to be carrying a camera at the moment, and took pictures of the silhouette of his penis. Investigating further, he noticed that the silhouette matched Meta Knight's penis figure perfectly. When questioned by the police, he replied "What? Me? No, I was planning to kill him some other way after an honorable duel, which would involve duct tape, dead clowns, my second grade teacher, a plastic lawn flamingo, and a dozen dancing albino eskimo midgets! This method is way too blunt and careless for my taste! ... What?"
[edit] Recovery
Despite the fact that the only piece of evidence ever found pointed directly to Meta Knight, authorities were weary in prosecuting him, so they let him off the hook. The attack had rendered Kirby in a deep coma that would last several months. During this time, mad scientists from around the world (who happened to be loyal fans of Kirby's works) rallied together and began a secret project to clone Kirby, as they believed the clone would produce music of the same (if not better) quality. Their plan was to pass this clone as the real deal as the original Kirby would be swiftly moved to their headquarters in better treatment. However, prototypes had to be created in order to test the reliability of the final product. When Kirby at long last awoke from his coma, the mad scientists quietly abandoned their project since they got what they wanted one way or another. The clones were eager to meet Kirby, so on one fateful day, they followed him to the racing event known as 'Air Ride'. Kirby was surprised at this story, and refused to believe it until Cook Kawasaki, a chef who was hired to prepare food for the gathering of mad scientists, stepped out of the shadows and admitted the truth.
[edit] The Band
Soon after, Kirby formed a band with three of his clones (Red Kirby, Yellow Kirby, and Green Kirby) and released an album called "The Amazing Mirror". Though it was popular, due to disagreements and fights between the band members, eventually ending when Kirby inhaled Red, Yellow, and Green, the band did not last very long. He went on to release a solo album in 2005 called Canvas Curse. It was embraced by some longtime Kirby fans, but not everyone was happy with it. Still, it was given good reviews for its use of revolutionary guitar technology.
[edit] Super Smash Bros. Career
One peaceful day, while he was strolling through some fag rainbow place called dreamland, Kirby resevied a very interesting message by the mailman from Zelda. He was invited to fight with Nintendo's greatest heros and villians! The letter included a plane ticket to Bejiing, and he was off. He finally made his way to the Super Smash tournament, where he precided to lose in the first round to Chuck Norris. Surprisingly, he placed 3rd and 4th in the next two Super Smash Bros. tournaments, respectively.
[edit] Kirby Today
Kirby's currently living in Newark, New Jersey, taking a break from his guitarist gig, to practice painting. His paintings have sold for hundreds of dollars, probably due more to his popularity than any actual artistic talent in the area of painting. Many of his works are portraits of people he has inhaled over the years, including Waddle Dee, the Poppy bros., and Bert Ward. He still writes guitar songs, and recently collaborated with anarchy/punk band "The Squeaks" to write an album entitled "Squeak Squad". Also, a vacuum cleaner company named "Kirby" was recently run over by fans. Judges are looking into this incident of Kirby related violence. In January 2007 Kirby was revealed to be a communist. A spcial edition of his album, "Squeak Squad" was released in the UK entitled "Kirby: Mao's Attack" and when track 3 is played backwards listeners can clearly hear the words "Mao is back, I am his faithful servant, soon the attack will begin. America, England, Japan, Russia: all shall fail under the might that is Communism. All hail Mao, all hail Mao, Mao is our king, Mao is our God, Mao's communist reign will soon be upon us!" Conspiracy theorists believe that Kirby's sudden beliefs have come from the inhalation of "Haribo Maomix", the popular commie-based foodstuff.
[edit] Kirby's Relations
After Kirby had stopped his band, he settled with the new Mrs. Kirby and had thousands of babies. Two of those babies were named Birby and Hector the kirby-monkey. However, his wife and kids are very seldom seen. Some say that they, in fact, do not exist. The name "Mrs. Kirby" is also just as uncreative as the alleged "Ms. Pac-Man". Kirby repeatedly assures the media that they are real, just "camera-shy".
[edit] Trivia
- Kirby was once accused of having an affair with chu-chu, Kirby was also rumored to have relations with his friend Nago.
- Kirby has been long thought of being bisexual. Kirby himself neither confirms nor denies these rumors, preferring instead for fans to draw their own conclusions.
- Residents of Jamaica know him as "Kirby the Great". This is because once on vacation there, he bonked his head, temporarily lost his memory, and declared himself "Czar of Jamaica". His 83-minute rule was a short but good one.
- Kirby's first game was canceled, due to a large protest. The truth was, when a rock enemy was eaten, he originally would receive the "Stoned" power instead of the present-day "Stone" power.
- Meta Knight is the leader of a secret society known as the Meta-Knights. He is referred by his followers as "Sir Meta-Knight". They were founded shortly after Kirby returned to Popstar. They can usually be found in a disco lounge known as "Heavy Lobster", or driving around in a 1984 Pinto hatchback christened "The Halberd." The vehicle has been masterfully restored after a (belived to be) coincidental crash between Kirby's motorcycle Wheelie and the Halberd.
- Kirby has recently confessed to being one of Mario's trusted henchmen. Mario gives him orders, and Kirby follows through. There's a lot of rumors going around that soon they will attack Turkey and eat it.
- <(o.o)>
- Some experts believe that the sun was actually formed when Kirby no longer needed a certain power. As Kirby's powers usually exit his body in the form of a star, the aforementioned power must not have been too useful or he would have kept it.
- Kirby is the best eating champion in the world, and in Russia.
- In Soviet Russia, marshmallow eats YOU!!
- Kirby also admitted that he was born in 1890, in Nintendo's first attempt to make a video game, it failed so they started making cards.
- Since Kirby is Jewish, he can huff a Grue.
- He also has a yarmulke that doubles as a razor-edged boomerang.
- The Wikipedia logo was originally going to be Kirby, but Wikipedia changed it to a globe at the last moment because they didn't have Nintendo's permisson.
- Kirby is known to have an evil twin brother who is anorexic.
- Kirby games own all.
- Kirby can be a really nice pillow. Unfortunately, if you try to use him as a pillow, you'll be digested before you can even blink.
- Kirby owns 7½ grammys. (The ones he got for "Kirby's Ultimate Happy Adventures" don't count because he accidentally ate them.)
- Kirby still holds the record for the longest time fought against Chuck Norris, and not having all their bones broken. The fact that Kirby has no bones is completely irrelevant.
- Kirby's new advenure slated for Wii is too easy to make fun of. I mean, "suck", "spit", and the word "Wii" are easy enough, but throw in the words "motion" and "multiplayer" and damn, it's not even worth trying to write this crap.
- Like Spongebob, Kirby's parents are, for some odd reason, a completely different shape from him.
- Kirby is the next step in evolution.
- The Pokemon Jigglypuff is a knock-off of Kirby. No, really. First time they met in Super Smash Bros., he tried to gut her with his final cutter. He gave up and ate Pikachu.
- Every character from Super Smash Bros. Melee that did not get into Brawl was in fact eaten by Kirby.
[edit] Discography
- Dream Land (First Revision)- 1992
- Adventure- 1993
- Pinball Land- 1993
- Dream Course- 1994
- Avalanche- 1995
- Dream Land (Second Revision)- 1995
- Block Ball- 1995
- Super Star- 1996
- Star Stacker- 1997
- Dream Land (Third Revision)- 1997
- Kirby no Kirakira Kizzu- 1998 (Japan only)
- Kirby 64: The Crystal Shards- 2000
- Tilt 'n' Tumble- 2000
- Nightmare in Dreamland- 2002
- Air Ride- 2003
- The Amazing Mirror- 2004
- Canvas Curse/Power Paintbrush- 2005
- Squeak Squad/Mouse Attack- 2006
- Kirby Super Star Ultra- 2008
- Kirby- 2008 (Tentative title, said to be delayed because of fallout of an affair with Jigglypuff)
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