Kirk Hammett
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| Kirk Hamlett | |
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| Name | Kirk Hamlett |
| Born | The third of August of the year "who gives a fuck" |
| Died | 1992 |
| Aliases | 1. Mr. I really haven't learned anything from Joe Satriani because I am so stupid and cannot grasp music theory so I only play really fast pentatonic scales so that other guitar players will think that I am such a badass and pretend that I learned that from Joe 2. Mr. Steve Vai used to make fun of me during my sessions with Joe Satriani because I play the same pentatonic scales over and over again 3. Mr. I cannot grasp the concept of scales and modes because aside from the fact that I am stupid it will require me to use of all of my fingers including my pinky and stretching it when playing and that will hurt so much because I have a low tolerance to pain 4. Mr. I can only count up to 5 that's why I only play pentatonic scales |
| Genre | Guitar that sounds like a Monkey throwing poop at the pickups. |
| Affiliations | Metallica, sometimes wishes he could be in Megadeth |
| Label | You label me, I label you, so I dub thee Fag |
| Guitars | Gay pink ESP Spider, Fag Pink Gibson Flying V |
| Years in Metallica | 1981 - very soon |
“I play guitar better than you!”
~ Dave Mustaine on Kirk Hamlett
“No you don't, I play guitar better!!”
~ Kirk Hamlett on Dave Mustaine
“Hey why don't you just go to hair salon with ladys and tells thems your problems?”
~ Kirk Hamlett on Dave Mustaine
“At least my neighbour didn't SHAG my dog!!”
~ Dave Mustaine on Kirk Hamlett
“James kicked your cunting dog!!”
~ Kirk Hamlett on Dave Mustaine
“Any way your moms a dog!!!”
~ Kirk Hammett on Dave Mustaine
“Screw you guys, I am the Fucking Guitar GOD!”
~ Herman Li on Kirk Hammett on Dave Mustaine
“I love you Kirk and want to make sweet butt love to you!! If that is not possible a threesome with you and James would be satisfactory!”
~ Rob Allen (Hairy Thong) on Kirk Hammet
Legend has it that Kirk Hamlett was sent by God to be the world's greatest drummer. Unfortunately, during a slight mix up, his amazing drumming skills were given to Gene Hoglan, and replaced by Billie Joe Armstrong's guitar playing abilities.
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[edit] The Birth of Kirk Hamlett
According to legend, Kirk's birth had been revealed to a group of wise men, who preceded to go to the hospital where he was being taken care of, guided by hallucinations from the drugs they had taken shortly before his birth had been revealed. They brought gifts for Kirk, including a guitar, some cocaine, and some chewed up bubble gum (which was the best gift the greedy stoner wise man was willing to give him). Shortly after these gifts had been bestowed upon him, Kirk preceded to beat the third wise man over the head, as he didn't see the chewed up bubble gum as an adequate gift.
[edit] Early Life
As a child, Kirk Hamlett was very unruly, and refused to listen to his parents. At the age of 9 months, he had already received several beatings, as he insisted on beating the other children over the head with his guitar. At the age of 2, he had already mastered the Penatonic solo, which we all know that rusty cooley, mastered this before he was a embryo. and moved on to drums, which he found far more difficult, as he couldn't reach the bass pedal. After several failed attempts, he decided that he'd work on the bass guitar first, which he excelled at like every one else. At the age of 5, he had grown quite a bit (he was already 8'8”), so he decided to try the drums again, and, this time, he succeeded,infact he even played drums on the White stripes album . At the age of 10, he recorded his first solo album with nothing but the same penatonic solo, over and over , in which he played all the instruments, all at the same time. It was never released in stores, however, because the producers thought it was far too badass to release to the public, and kept it for themselves. until now, until the producers named a band called my chemical romance and debuted the album.
[edit] Teenage Life
Kirk Hamlett was never very popular during his teenage life. He was often picked on during school because of his gay lisp, and feminine locks, until the eighth grade (by then, all of the bullies had mysteriously disappeared). He did, however, have a small group of friends, who decided to start a band with him. They called it “African American, LOL!” Needless to say, it didn't go over well.
Hammett would always spend his day and night playing World of witchcraft. He got his inspiration to write the Wahhy phutter series books from the game. He got so bored with the game that he started guitar hero. He mastered the game and became the best guitar hero guitarist in his home. He started his own guitar hero band and began playing Arabian music. James Hetfield saw his abitilies to play like a child and took pity on him. He became the lead guitarist of the ripple stone band Stonnica. He started playing concerts in his high school and collected lots of tomatoes that he used to make soup for dinner. He still uses his famous guitar hero guitar. He has yet to come out of the closet.
[edit] Adult Life
Kirk was in several other bands over the years, all of which failed miserably, until, at the age of 21, Kirk received a call from James Hetfield (he hadn't yet become gay and changed it to “Jaymz”), asking him if he wanted to join his band, Metallica. Upon Joining Metallica, Kirk was told the only way to completely rip off Mustaines riffs was by completely ingesting his guitar including amp in one go. Surprisingly Kirk was able to carry out this and has been ripping off Mr Mustaine for riffs he wrote ever since. Even though he ripped off, Kirk's Mustaine-edit solos was more ergonomic which caused erection. Ride the lightning has actually been renamed to Ride the Mustaine in homage to Kirks Guitar Burrito. Kirk flew out to audition, and he was instantly accepted in. During their first year or so, they finished the album, Kill 'em All, and went on tour. A few years later, they finished the album, Ride the Mustaine. In 1986, while touring to support the album "Master of Puppies", their bassist met an unexpected end in a bus crash set up by God. When asked for an explanation, God replied, “Kirk and Cliff together was too much badass for one world to hold, one of them had to go.” Cliff was replaced by former horse breeder/Starbucks barista Jason Newstead and recording commenced on the album ...And Justice for All. This proved to be Metallica's breakthrough album, selling over 4 million copies worldwide. Disastrously, during a tour stop in Charleston,WV, a poorly-secured lighting rig fell directly onto Hamlett's head. After masterful neural- and reconstructive surgery, Kirk appeared perfectly unblemished. However, CAT scans showed that the trauma had damaged the part of his brain that was responsible for remembering all scales and modes other than the Pentatonic Minor scale. This was okay, though, since new producer Bob ("Doesn't") Rock was intent on dumbing down Metallica's sound for their next album.
With slowed-down tempos, Mel Bay beginner-style guitar solos, orchestral accompaniment and the "You like Metallica" subliminal message constantly-looped on the recording, the self-titled album sold just over 7 billion copies. In fact, every man, woman and child on the planet earth has at least one copy of the record. (Incidentally, Your Mom owns 5 copies.) Hamlett played on 2 more albums (the imaginitively-titled Load and Reload), which were terrible but still moved a lot of copies thanks to Elektra Records' successful "subliminal marketing" program. After the release of 2003's unholy abomination St. Anger, the newly-animated corpse of Cliff Burton dug its way to the surface and assaulted Hamlett with his own guitar. In late 2005 Kirk Hamlett was charged with several cases of Infanticide. Kirk was acquitted of all charges soon after the case began. He claimed that "The babies sounded like wah pedals, I was mearly turning them off".
[edit] Near Death Experience
Kirk Hammett eventually spiraled down into a depression once he realized his mole would stop him from looking exactly like Johnny Depp. This depression became so bad he would eventually have to inject his own heart with baby unicorn blood in order to get on stage and pretend to know how to play guitar. Soon the "ponycorn" blood was not enough for him he decided to get an even greater rush by consuming copious amounts of twizzlers. Lars Ulrich was quoted saying "Anyone with a 5th grade education knows what happens when you mix baby unicorn blood and twizzlers together, you get sued for downloading songs bitch!" But that is not what happened, instead the two concoctions broke down and created the harmful material known to laymen as cornflakes. Kirk Hammett immediately died and rose from the dead three days later after spending time with his disciples he descending into hell where he really forgot how to play guitar.
[edit] Marriage
Kirk Hamlett married his fellow bandmate and long time boyfriend, Lars Ulrich, in the early 20th century on the Jerry Springer Show. Kirk and Lars have three children together, and remain active members for GLAAD and other pro-homosexual groups around the world. However, there are certified rumours of Kirk sleeping with James Hetfield behind Ulrich's back and this has been going on for quite some time. But then he cheated on Ulrich with Jose on his dude ranch. If you watch the movie some kind of monster, you will see Kirk with a pink shirt on his dude ranch and Jose tied up to a pole in his sexy speedo on.
[edit] Death
Kirk Hamlett met his end in 1992, when the spirit of their former bassist, Cliff Burton, confronted him and demanded to know why Metallica went and decided to suck so much. Kirk committed suicide in the manliest way possible (he gouged out his eyes with an ice cream scooper, and replaced them with Cadbury Cream Eggs, and headbutted the sidewalk until his head exploded). Cliff then went back up to Heaven, and refused to let Kirk in. He wandered around as a ghost for a while, until he was brought back to life by a complicated ritual performed by Dave Mustaine. This ritual has been recorded in the Megadeth song Skull Beneath the Skin. When Kirk come to he asked his master why he had brought him back from the dead to which Mustaine responded "I created you, so I can most definitely bring you back from the dead." Kirk has been Megadeth's mascot ever since.
[edit] After his Rebirth
After being reborn, Kirk experienced a short period of renewed badassity, during which his band made the album S&M. Shortly thereafter, his band declined again, and no one has paid attention to their new recordings since.
[edit] More on the Legend of Kirk
It has been foretold that, one day, Cliff Burton shall return from the grave and be reunited with the band. Kirk Hammet will once be able to play his solos, Jaymz will change his name back, and Lars will learn to play drums. Plus, they will regrow their long fucking hair and return to their non-commercial thrash metal music style. The new era of Metallica will bring about the destruction of all things emo, and world peace will follow soon after.
His name is Kirk. Some call him madman. He doesn't know why. Here are some things you might want to know about Kirk. -He loves having fun and doing stupid shit, but he gets bored easily. -The above is the only reason why he joined Metallica! Don't ask to be his friend if he doesn't know you. -He is very laid back most of the time. -He hates fake people and liars. -He is brutally honest. He always says whats on his mind and he dont care if you dont like what he has to say! -He smokes cigarettes.... Get over it. -He loves music. It is his life. He loves going to shows, playing the guitar, and getting hit in the face while slamdancing. -He is easy to get along with if you are. -He has very bad luck with romance (But that is changing).....he recently bought a gay strip bar in San Francisco and is really getting "into" the men there.
[edit] The Future of Kirk
It is now official that Kirk Hamlett has been working on a solo project with comedian Michael Richards (who will be handling vocal duties) called 'K-K-Kirk Hamlett." The album is basically just a recording of Kirk on the toilet with Richards' shouting racial slurs to various minority groups, but the leaked single "He's a nigga!" has been very well received. They are finished recording the album, and the it will be released on eight track format two days ago.
