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This picture is simply too sexy to endure. If you're still reading this caption, you're probably dead from a dose of 800 microdunsts.
“I think Spiderman should die in the next movie.”
~ Kirsten Dunst on Spiderman
“No way! Make the screenwriters die in the next movie!”
~ Spiderman on Kirsten Dunst on Spiderman
“She's not my type.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Kirsten Dunst
Kirsten Dunst is the hottest woman to ever live. Ever. No shit!
[edit] Hotness
It is said that Dunst is both a
slut and a
virgin. This is either because she is simply too hot to have sex with, or because she chain-smokes and has really, really bad breath. Uncyclopedia perfers the former. It is written that, yea, if a man dare toucheth said temptress, his penis will expandeth to 78.141592654 times its normal size and then his head will explodeth. The only man to ever survive having sex with Kirsten is
Chuck Norris, whose penis grew so long afterwards that it stretched from here to the moon and back (it is rumoured that
Oscar Wilde could do the same, although unproved, as he himself claims “She’s not my type.” He is lying, and is just too afraid to ask her out).
Mr T later rectified Chuck’s victory with a time machine so that he could “Take Kirsten’s virginity myself.” He later tried, only to have his head explode. Most women also cannot have sex with Dunst.
Jennifer Aniston once tried, but her
clitoris expanded to the size of a
blue whale and she winked out of existence. With Jessica Alba, the opposite would happen. If anyone has to touch her in any of her films, they wear 3 inch thick steel gloves that are edited out in post.
[edit] Paris Hilton
Keep looking, there's actually five nipples hidden in this picture.
In a battle of hotness, Dunst beat
Paris Hilton 10 – 1. This meant that Dunst got to keep Paris as a sex slave. Due to her inability to do
it, she keeps Paris chained up by a
sex collar in her basement with a
pineapple shoved up her
ass and forces her to
masturbate herself to her own sex video, using a
jackhammer with a
fire extinguisher attached to the end. Paris must achieve orgasm/vaginal bleeding every ten seconds, or else a garbage truck filled with semen and poop will empty onto her and she must eat her way out. If she falls alseep or passes out from exhaustion, a genetically modified giant carrot will be deepthroated into her and her titties will be whipped and spanked by Dunst fanboys wearing pink-and-black lacey g-string thongs (that have ridden ten inches up their asses) until her nipples swell up to the size of watermellons. Then feathers will be stuck up her (now clenched) butt-hole around the pineapple, which she will be forced to bend over and lick out (for every one of the feathers licked out, one of the afformentioned Dunct fanboys gets to replace it with his microdick and go to town humping. Any fanboys who hump for over ten hours straight are allowed to lick the sole of one of Dunst's stiletto thighhigh boots - the ultimate honour - before he then goes back to jeking off into the garbage truck with a string of orange sized
anal beads stuffed up his ass, that are plucked out one by one by the fanboy next to him, using only his teeth).
Conclusion: the writer of this article is twisted, or Kirsten Dunst has a really large basement.
[edit] Military
It was planned to use Dunst's hotness for defense purposes, by painting her masturbating herself with a purple dildo on the side of a tank. This had to be dropped after the painters all died.
It was intended for her to appear in a sequel to Keira Knightley In A White Corset And Kate Beckinsale In A Black One , with Dunst wearing a pink one. The film was scrapped after the crew died and were replaced seventeen times during filming. The girls then got bored and made out (causing the deaths of Knightley and Beckinsale).
