Kit Kat Bar

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The Kit Kat Bar of the fairies.

“Kit-Kat bars are for communists, just look at the red wrapper and pro-socialist advertizing and design. If you like Kit-Kats you hate God and love communism!”

~ Phil Donoghue on Kit-kat bars

“Kit Kat look yummy...MUST EAT!!!! no.. must NOT!!!”

~ Inaxio on Kit Kat Bars

The Kit Kat Bar is scrumptious treat that's great to eat! Unless you're diabetic.

[edit] Origins of the Kit Kat Bar

In ages past, when Count Chocula bestowed his chocolate confectioneries upon the lesser races, he forged three Kit Kat Bars. The first bar, of nine pieces, was sent to the humans. As they were hungry and obese, however, the humans ate the bar, and were unsatisfied. The second bar, of seven pieces, was sent to the dwarves. The dwarves were a niggardly people, however, and would not unwrap their bar, and kept it in a vault of strongest mithril, deep below the earth's crust. The mole people got inside and ate it, and neither they nor the dwarves were satisfied. The third bar, three pieces wide, was sent to the fairies, who feared its sugary power and did not eat it, but instead absorbed its power through the ancient art of chocosmosis. The bars were not deplenished and the fair folk remained fair (at least, as fair as you can be with skin cancer and bleached blonde hair).

The Big Kat, liberally sprinkled with coconut.

But there was another bar, forged in secret - the Big Kat. With this the Count could control the appetites of the races which had eaten their bars. With their access to untold riches below the earth's surface, the mole people became a greater asset then the sturdy dwarves would have been. The humans were not as rich as the mole people, but their military might was all but unstoppable, and with it Count Chocula smashed his competitors, eating them into the ground. He brooded, however, for the fair folk continued to frolick in the sun and remained unaffected by his chocolate rod of power. To this end he sent the humans to the west, to oppress the fairies with their gluttony, hoping that his nemeses would grow fearful and eat the tainted candy in a fit of jealousy.

The fairies would not be tempted, however, and took their bar and broke it into three pieces, giving them to the three most maidenly of elven maidens. Hershey took the bar of white chocolate and rode north, into Canada, that frozen land which Americans dread. Nestle took the bar of dark chocolate and went Wagons East with John Candy, settling in New Jersey, where man dares not tread. Ghirardelli, the most maidenly of the three, absconded with the bar of milk chocolate and travelled deep into the Amazon rainforest. Some say they were mad to entrust the bars to women, but this was chocolate candy, not fucking chocolate ice cream. Geeze.

The milk chocolate Kit Kat Bar.

[edit] Milk Chocolate

Ghirardelli's was the most precarious plight; in recent times, unscrupulous powers threatened to pave the Amazon in order to build a repository for huffed kittens. Link managed to halt efforts by travelling to the eight countries supporting the plan and sacking their respective capitals, then defeating the head of the operation - Count Chocula - in immortal kombat choreographed to the theme from Brazil (available on DVD and VHS). While Link had hoped for something more interesting, he was entrusted with keeping the bar of milk chocolate.

The dark chocolate Kit Kat Bar.

[edit] Dark Chocolate

Nestle remained safe in New Jersey until the birth of Ganondwarf. Seized with anger at the stupidity of his ancestors, Ganondwarf vowed to collect the pieces of the Kit Kat Bar in order to return respect to his race. It took him forty-two years to work up the courage to step into New Jersey, but he did, and he filched the chocolate while Nestle was sunbathing on the roof; her enormous, tacky sunglasses obscured her vision, allowing Ganondwarf to sneak up next to her and steal the keys from her purse. He would have taken more than that, but it turns out mithril bikinis are good for something after all.

Possession of the dark chocolate infused Ganondwarf with dark power, doubling his height and bestowing upon him the ability to make dramatic monologues without being interrupted. He then changed his name to Ganondorf (failing to see that the simple replacement of one letter would turn it into QuickCannondorf).

If you can find the white chocolate bar, you're doing better than I.

[edit] White Chocolate

Hershey loves company, so she invited some of her friends up to see her. Only Zelda came. Being fairies, the two were Cunning Linguists (that is to say that if they needed to be, they could be). While practicing for possible future roles, Zelda got a little kinky with the white chocolate bar and found it impossible to retrieve (available on DVD and VHS, soon coming out on PS3). There it was to remain until Link dislodged it using the power of his own bar (also available on DVD, VHS and for the first time ever, laserdisc). Zelda still carries the bar as her personal tenure with it has made her its official keeper. Plus, Ganon thinks that kind of stuff is just gross.