Kitten
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“Delicious!”
~ Dark Lord Kageryushin on Kittens
“They're cats, but smaller.”
~ Captain Obvious on Kittens
“We will huff them on the beaches, we will huff them on the waves, we will huff them in the fields and on the streets, and we will never surrender. ”
~ Winston Churchill on Kittens
The young of the cat (Felixus pussieus [lit. happiest squatting]). Universally recognised as a small furry bundle of joy and the only animal capable of crapping more than its own bodyweight in a single shitting. Some believe a kitten was behind the JFK assassination... but seriously people, it was unicorns. Kittens, aren't they just fluffy-wuffy adowable? In fact "kitten" is a past participle: kite, kit, kitten, which is a synonym for "to blow one's head off". Kitten are also impervious to all types of magic, including magic cast by flapjacks. Physical combat is ineffective againts them, so the only conceivable way to defeat a kitten is to trap it in a laundry basket. This can be achieved by getting a stick, tying a string to it then propping a laundry basket up on the stick. However, most times a kitten will self destruct upon capture so it is almost impossible to defeat them. Unless you are Master Chief, but that pretty much goes without saying.
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[edit] History and Classification of the Kitten
Kittens were originally bred by Fundamentalist Sea Otters who consider them to be legal tender and delicious. Soon after, satan decided the kitten would guard the gates of hell... It didn't work because the kitten ate his left testicle. He then sent it to Earth, never again to go near a kitten, it is one of his many phobias. Finally categorised as parasites by the Germans in 1904 after having been previously thought to be a substance much like Pop Tarts, kittens have been seen exiting the vaginas of host cats whose innards they have outgrown. Rumour has it that if you approach a kitten without him or her noticing, and are able to catch it, they will kick the shit out of you. Also if you dont buy them fast then they get into a shell and become a hermet crab. If they do that you shall never be able to eat them in England.
Kittens are considered a delicacy in England and Wales. The eyes contain a part of the Sharigan which shall fuck you up in no time. For the Welsh, the effects are slightly different, owing to the slightly superior Celtic wiring of the brain. The kitten-eye chemical renders the Welsh unable to accept that the X Factor was not a fix, and their guy just did not get enough votes.
In 2004 the Human vs. Kitten War began with violent jerk offs on both sides.
On a usual basis these days, kittens are often described with the 'slogan of the kitty;' "If they can kill it, they will. If they can't kill it, they'll try."
Kitten Theory
It has been a accepted theory fro many years now that the kittens have forced those of us that where lucky enough to get away underground. This was because a maddive human feline war took place and all of human kind created a giant super storm cloud that choked the earth of the suns rays of light. the kittens then realising the mistake of the humans bottled us in jam jars and fed off our souls. now the the entire future of human kind depends on one half kitten half human man..Meo
[edit] The Spreading Of Kittens
Kittens started out as experiments by goths and otters trying to make some kind of slaughter machine. But the end result was a cute furry animal so they just threw it in the trash, but little did they know Mel Gibson was also there! He fused with the kitten and its soul turned black. it killed several goths and ran away. The goths named it kittah which means evil monster. From there the kittahs spread and starded living off monkey like creatures we today call 'humans' or 'hoomans' if ur a kitteh.
[edit] Kitten Feeding Behaviour
Kittens are notoriously evil. When young, their favorite food is the mana of unsuspecting individuals. Lured in by the apparent cuteness of the beast, the victim is first violently gored with razor-sharp talons and vicious fangs. At this point, the kitten places its deadly, gaping maw inside the victim and begins to feast on its victim's soul. The entire process lasts no longer than thirty seconds, and by the time the feast is over, most do not realize their soul has been consumed. Kittens pose a severe threat to humanity and must be cooked with salt and pepper before they are allowed to feast upon any souls.
"Soul, yum." -- A. Kitten.
[edit] Kitten Combat Tactics
Kittens, though small and cute, are actually ruthless warriors bent on devastation of the enemies heart and soul. And tasty innards. Mmmm. They are bred to be warriors, as kittens were invented by the Goths and ancient Germanic tribes. If you ever come across a kitten (you'd better hope you don't), be prepared for death. Once a kitten has locked on to your moist, tender belly, it will pounce upon you and latch to your leg, where upon it will slowly ascend to your stomach using its razor sharp claws. Once at your moist belly, the kitten will proceed to erode away any distracting skin you may have with its rough, sandpapery tounge. There is nothing you can do to remove a kitten in this state. It is impervious to any attacks upon it, however, it is said that if you were to start rubbing a kittens belly, it would drop the ground and lay on its back. In this state, the kitten would start kicking at your hand with its hind legs, all the while hugging your arm with its paws and nibbling upon your hand. This theory has never been tested, and if it has, it has surely failed. There have been no accounts of survival from a kitten attack.
[edit] Schrödinger's Kitten
Schrödinger's kitten is usually assumed to be the precursor to the famous thought experiment by physicist Erwin Schrödinger (see Schrödinger's Cat [1]). In fact, Schrödinger's Kitten is the subsequent flow-on experiment, even though it was undertaken long before Schrödinger was even born. This is due to a curious attribute of time-space, where at the quantum level time (or "movement" as it is properly known [2]) flows in reverse at the feline/human singularity.
Schrödinger's first experiment illustrated problems in the contemporary interpretation of quantum mechanics when it is applied beyond just atomic or subatomic systems. In other words he thought everyone else was full of shit. To show the fallacy of the theory the young physicist (he was nine months old at the time) experimented by sealing a cat in a box and measuring whether opening the box to check on it every few months affected how long the cat lived. Sadly, thousands of cats died over the several years he undertook these experiments, leading to the Great Austrian Cat Famine of the 1930s in which many Korean restaurants went bankrupt and were bought up by the Rockefeller family. [3]
Schrödinger Trivia
The actual animal Schrödinger used on his final experiment was not a cat - it was a kinkajou [4]. By the time he was ready to undertake the experiment there were no cats left for a hundred-mile radius. However Schrödinger used the word "Cat" in his experiment to honour those that had died, and because "Schrödinger's Kinkajou" sounded fucking ghey. [5]
Schrödinger did not want the death of all those cats to be in vain so he designed a test whereby his own beloved pet, Huggy-Bear, was sealed into a box that was NEVER opened. Therefore nobody actually knew whether the animal was alive or dead. The original box is available to view in the Florida State Museum in the USA to this day, displayed next to the personal items of Adolf Hitler and Jeb Bush, and is deemed the most important contribution to scientific research by any Austrian. Additionally, the Guinness Book of World Records lists Huggy-Bear as the world’s oldest rodent. [6]
Thus we come to Schrödinger's second famous experiment (which is really the precursor). Schrödinger's Kitten was a huge leap ahead for quantum physics and teaches us a lot about how small mammals comprehend space-time and interact with the Laws of Entanglement.
Erwin Schrödinger's inspiration came from his twin sibling - a sister called Hillary [7] - who was a deaf/blind mute [8]. The Schrödinger family paid for young Erwin to go through university by running an elaborate sideshow at a local carnival, where Hillary would be put into a maze with a number of kittens and people would bet on how many she would step on before she finally got out.
This experience obviously had an effect on the young physicist, for in his autobiography Mein Liebe aft Chat he writes "The realisation that quantum particles relate to one-another in a superior/inferior manner, dictated by how we humans observe them, was very similar to watching Hillary jump with fright every time she stepped on a fluffy kitten. Humans are both blind and deaf to the existence of sub-quantum particles (sqarticles) and quantum electron shunts (qunts) and only realise their existence at the point of interaction, at which time they expire and cease to be of much use."
Schrödinger's second experiment replicated the maze and its economic effects. He theorised that if you seal a deaf/blind mute in a box with a kitten, and into that box is placed an electric chainsaw connected to a button on the outside of the box, then you could film the inside of the box and sell the resulting videos to elderly German tourists visiting the red-light district of Vienna.
Sadly, Schrödinger died in a Korean restaurant before publishing his work. Only one experiment of this kind was ever developed. The box is in the Hapsburg State Museum in Vienna to this day, displayed next to a wax statue of Michael Jackson. [9]
[edit] Kittens and Sex
Normally "kittens" and "sex" are not two words you would associate with each other unless you live in the more rural parts of Scotland. Yet the Man-Kitten Love society has been active for many years thanks to a Japanese company that first got into the industry by producing prosthetic women for ugly men.
Sa-Ka-Ya or "Real Kittens" have been discretely available since 1981 and have proven popular the world over. Featuring realistic latex skin, 800 dpi Egyptian cotton faux fur, and incredibly realistic robotics, the Sa-Ka-Ya kittens are the closest thing to the real thing, without the genital shredding and massive blood loss normally associated with this vicious species.
A range of kitten dolls have been produced, from the incredibly cute "petit-kitti" to the gargantuan "sumo-puss" which weighs in at a whopping 7,000 grams.
Many women are now purchasing Real Kittens to store in their handbags as a back-up pussy in case their vagina fails at a critical moment. But at a cost of 75 Million Yen, only very rich ugly people and Dr Evil can afford one.
Real Kitten dolls have now been approved by the United States Board of Psychopathy as rehabilitative tools to assist in the treatment of Gulf War Syndrome. Al Gore, who in 2007 claimed to have invented the kitten love doll, is a passionate advocate for the use of the devices in schools.
The manufacturer - Yan Yan Company - has announced plans to produce a range of ugly rich soccer player dolls for the burgeoning kitten market, and expect the first of the product range, the "Real Beckham", to hit stores in Christmas next year.
[edit] Elite kittens
[edit] A Note About Extinction
With the staggering problems caused by naughty bits, the kitten is slowly but surely facing death by a ninja. For this reason, we ask that you take steps to prevent Kitten Huffing and limit your consumption of the gourmet felines to special occasions. The threat of losing the kitten is a grave one. Do your part, don't let the Kitten become extinct.And, If you see a ninja, which you probably won't when he or she DOES try to kill you, keep the kittens in a locked room.Even though the ninja will probably get in anyway, but this can delay their death by a maximum of half a mili-second.This leaves little time to butt rape the kitten, so make the most of your time. Jared Fogle once farted out a live kitten.
Another reason the kitten is going extinct is because of excessive masturbation, littering, and artificial lighting. Every time you litter, masturbate, or turn on a light bulb, God kills a kitten. God usually executes kittens by giving them to newly minted angels to huff. Every time a kitten masturbates, God kills a human. It is unknown whether God kills both a kitten and a human if the human and the kitten masturbate together. Please think of the kittens: throw your trash in a receptacle and cut out the jacking-off. If you can't stop, at least do it in the dark. Despite what you may think, that hot chick in the apartment across the street doesn't find it sexy to see you do the five-knuckle shuffle while watching Desperate Housewives and throwing your burger wrappers on the floor. The only reason she hasn't called the cops (or at least the blind store) to bust into your apartment is because she's making such a killing selling videos of you on jigglinjellyrolljohnsons.com. If you really want her digits, try being sensitive to her needs as a woman. Chicks dig that sort of thing, and she's probably really unfulfilled because men can't see past her horrid looks into who she really is. She might totally nail you- but probably not, since Uriel huffed her new kitten last night when you got freaky with Miss Michigan after seeing Vanna White flip letters on Wheel of Fortune. You sick, hairy-palmed, visually impaired perverted block of swiss cheese.
[edit] Revenge of Kittens
Remember, cats have 9 lives, and as kittens are young and they have sharp teeth, claws and ears, so you have to tread carefully or they will purr, thereby killing you, mercilessly, at the slightest provocation. They have nine lives for a fundamental reason: they were sent to earth from planet Minos Gamma-Betafxcvhjutsduffies with the goal of the eventual overthrow of all world leaders. Kittens also are the single most powerful enemy in Diablo 2. They can swallow a grown man in less than 16 seconds when alone, but also travel in packs. Bill Clinton once said "I love kittens. I love them so much. I want to fellate them." Why that is even relevant I don't know.
Algerian subculture centers on pipe smoking kittens. Kittens also starred in the game Scrabble, where if the kitten's opponent would actually win (chances are .0001%) the kitten would give HIM a huffing and refute all arguments made on the behalf of God. Beware of the kitten. Jesus met a kitten once and was forced into exile.
[edit] Other Uses
- Yum Yum!GOOOOOOOOOOOD kitty! (In case you haven't figured that out some dude's eating the helpless kitty.Do something about it quickly.)
- Toilet cleaner
- Making a mess on the carpet when it pukes up hairballs.
- Punching Bag
- Religious Idol
- Soccer Ball
- Hand Grenade
- Fridge
- Mini-Fridge
- Pocket Fridge
- Wallet
- Bling
- Huffing (Of Course)
- Target for Archery, Shooting, etc.
- Land-to-Air Missile
- Surgery Practice
- Pillow
- gypsy repellent
- mine sweeper
- Cheesing
- Tactical multi-use assault rifle
[edit] See Also
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