Kitten hurling battle
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An ancient and dangerous sport from which modern day curling is derived, the Kitten Hurling Battle originated in the steamy jungles of what is now Quebec as a mating ritual of the Aztecs. Men would attempt to establish dominance over each other to impress females by measure of how vicious a kittening he could receive.
The object of the sport is to force one's opponent into submission using nothing but kittens. Today, the sport is enjoyed by both sexes and has risen dramatically in popularity, narrowly beating out Gerbil Tennis as the national pastime of both France and Poland.
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Materials Required
A proper Kitten Hurling Battle requires at least the following:
- Two Pedestals approximately 7.3 meters apart (these may be rocks, or boxes, or even tree stumps)
- Two Kitten Belts (these store kittens to be thrown)
- Ivory Whistle
- Kittens
- Dunking Bucket (optional)
How to Play
Players decide upon a number of kittens to play with, generally around 25 to 30, or more if they're small. After loading their Kitten Belts, Players stand atop their pedestals and face away from each other. One (metric) minute of silence must be observed to honor Felix, king of the felines, timed by another person (known as the KatMaster). The KatMaster then initiates each round (called a "Fur") by blowing a clear, shrill note on an ivory whistle. This enrages the kittens, preparing them for battle. After the whistle has been blown, the players may choose to further enrage the kittens (thus giving them +5 Aggressiveness) by dipping them in the Dunking Bucket, or they may immediately commence hurling.
Rules of Play
1. You do not talk during a Fur
2. If someone says "stop" or falls off his pedestal, the Fur is over
3. A Fur will go on as long as it has to
4. At no time may either player step down off his pedestal
5. Kittens may only be thrown by hand. No mechanical means of throwing kittens (catapults, slingshots, cannon) is allowed, nor is any kind of telekinesis.
6. All disputes are settled by the KatMaster
7. Players must remain conscious.
8. Altering kittens chemically, physically or genetically is both allowed and encouraged.
9. The best hand any player can get is "go johnny go-go-go-go" it is advised that a player goes all in if this hand comes out.
Breaking any of the rules results in immediate loss of the Fur for the player and a spanking.
Winning Kitten Hurling Battle
In most places, Kitten Hurling Battle is played to the death, yet some Battles end after a certain number of Furs. A player is announced the winner of a Fur if his opponent is unable to continue (a KO) or breaks any of the above rules. The winning player traditionally does a victory pelvic thrusting dance which may or may not include kitten huffing. A celebratory dinner including fairies is also common.
Kitten hurling is one of the main sources of kitten-related human fatalities.
As cats have nine lives, the kittens come back and take revenge.
Strategy
Kitten-hurling experts have debated on the advantages and disadvantages of dunking your kittens for +5 aggressiveness for centuries. Some experts say that this is too slow, since your opponent will have ample time to pelt you with 3 or 4 kittens before dunking is completed. Others say that this is negligible compared to the +5 aggressiveness your opponent is going to feel from your enhanced kitten. Of course, if your opponent is out of kittens, it is always a good idea to dunk all your kittens before attacking.
The same experts have speculated on dunking the same kitten twice. It is generally agreed that while this move is legal, it is VERY DANGEROUS and should not be attempted by anyone not willing to die.
Related Sports
"I was the one that invented Kitten Hurling Battle! The Aztecs ripped me off, tell 'em Fred!"
~Howard SternOscar Wilde on Kitten Hurling Battle
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